Coming Clean

In case you missed it, Monday’s post was a variation on “Two Truths and a Lie” in response to a challenge from The Hobbler. I am fairly certain that at least a dozen people have not slept a wink in the last three days in anticipation of the answers. So here they are.

The Truth

1) The dance troupe I toured with did a performance in Japan – And we did, indeed, dance for the wife of the chairman of the board of Toyota motors, Mrs. Toyoda. It was the best trip of my life. I am more graceful than I look. When my task is set to music. I will look for some action shots to share.

I know it's not a dancing shot, but I have trouble doing the steps and taking the picture at the same time.

In one of my dancing costumes. I'm the chick on the far left in the shortest dress. Sorry you had to see that.

4) I nearly missed my high school graduation to go to a dog show. My saluki was entered at the national specialty, and I had no intention of missing it. I had even arranged to take the ACT exam in the same state as the show on the day my dog wasn’t showing. Was my dog appreciative of my efforts? He was not. He pooped in the ring.

Gimme the bunny! Gimme!

7) I have a potted fern with a history. I started that thing from a tiny spore. My grandmother loved houseplants, and I think of her every time I see it.

9) Despite my number of posts on passive aggression I am not actually passive aggressive. I don’t usually waste my time on the passive aggressive. And my husband is grateful because I would apparently be quite good at it.

10)  When I visited Los Angeles, the only celebrity I saw was Judy Tenuta. Everyone I know says “Who?”    But she is a real person, and she’s funny. When her companion is not having to hold her upright. That was just sad.

11) I once bottle-fed a litter of deer mice. Their mommy had been killed, and I couldn’t let them starve. I studied feeding and re-release information online, and I fed them with a tiny syringe.

And the LIES!

2) I was once bitten by a baby  caiman. I did use a baby caiman quite often when I did programs, and he turned into a nasty little son-of-a-pup as he got older, but I was never bitten. There were some close calls, though. You’ll have to buy the book to hear that tale.

3) I once swallowed a live goldfish on a bet. Eileen is right. This one isn’t actually a wish. Unless you count wishing that I had cool stories like that to tell.

5) I am turning a walk-in closet into a reptile room. My husband is so hoping that this is one of the lies. Truth be told, that walk-in closet is too cold for womas. I’m thinking maybe native species like rat snakes…

6) I once used the “f” word in a paper for high school English. I did, however, use the word “pecker.” And got an “A.” It was a character sketch about my dog-show friend who was, indeed a character. I wish that I could have found that paper to read at her funeral last year. She would have loved that. I miss her.

8) My most prized possession is a hard-cover first edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. I don’t have one yet. But I will. There is one out there waiting to come home with me.

12) I hatched a clutch of garter snake eggs that were found in a pile of mulch. I was waiting for someone to Google this one. Garter snakes are live-bearers. I did hatch a clutch of five-lined skinks and released the babies at their nesting site. That was pretty amazing, honestly.

Not a skink. A gecko. But we've hatched dozens of these guys. If you like this pic, wait until tomorrow. If you hate this pic, wait until tomorrow.

 

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Alternate Endings, Vol I

Twilight:

The role of Edward played most convincingly by Severus Snake

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” Bella…so beautiful…so tasty…”

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“Darn it, Edward! What’s the MATTER with you? There goes the franchise!”

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Yes, it's my own battered copy. Sue me.

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*** disclaimer: No rats were actually harmed in the making of this blog. It came out of our freezer. 

 

I Am Ashamed. I Have Cheated.

I have a confession to make. I know. It seems like I’m all the time spouting off one confession or another, but this time, it’s something big. I have cheated. For realsies. I am so ashamed.

At the very beginning of the year, I joined The 2012 End of the World Reading Challenge. The goal is simple. Read as many books as possible during the calendar year that I have never read before. And this, friends, is where I’ve strayed.

I normally manage to plow through at least a couple of books a week, so while I didn’t expect to win, I did at least hope to be competitive. Not so much, actually. I have tried to be true, to power through a book to keep up my page count. I have failed. Total number of new-to-me books read in 2012? Three. Abysmal, I know.

Maybe it’s because the books I have started this year have been bad. And that’s true. I pooped out half-way through Game of Thrones. I am quickly fizzling on A Discovery of Witches. Life really is too short to read bad books.  I’m trying to stay strong and make it through Witches because, as a  friend oft reminds me, if I don’t finish it, I’m not allowed to make fun of it. That book is a veritable craft-box of fun just waiting, so finish I will, even if it kills me. And it just might.

But as I tend to avoid things that irritate me (when was the last time I messed around on Farmville?), where does that leave me? Cheater Town. That’s right. I hear the siren song of my old familiar favorites and slide right back into their arms. Can I count them in the book challenge? Nope. Do I care? Only when I check my page count.

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Meet the Mistresses (because I don’t know what you call a male cheat-partner. The opposite of “mistress” is usually “master,” but that term may lead readers to expect a tennis tournament, and I’m not much into sports) -

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Lord of the Rings – these are a must-read. At least once a year. Do I need to explain why?

Harry Potter: See above. I don’t know how I manage to get anything done with these two phenomenal series in my house.

Gone With the Wind - A reminder of where we have come from, and how far we have to go. I can’t explain why I enjoy reading a character that I constantly wish I could smack. Hard.

The Mists of Avalon - I never read managed to make it through a single Darkover novel, but this Arthurian interpretation speaks to my heart. I don’t care how many times I read it, each time I open it, I still hope that things will turn out differently for Morgaine and Lancelet. It’s a fine example of how great ideas can transcend sloppy writing. I can’t stand any of the others in the series, even though I wanted to love them as much.

The Shell Seekers - I am a sucker for anything written by Rosamund Pilcher, but this one is the best. It’s my go-to comfort read when life gets a hairy. And I do mean comfort. It is broken-in house shoes, sweatpants, and take-out kung pao chicken rolled into a paper binding.. I saw the made-for-tv rendition. It made me want to drink.

The Phantom Tollbooth – Wordplay beats sword play any day. I missed the window for getting my teenager to appreciate this book. I feel like I have failed as a parent. But the same kid adores Roald Dahl, so maybe I’m not a complete wretch.

All Creatures Great and Small - A beautiful series that captures life in rural Yorkshire in the 1930′s. Speaks to the anglophile and the animal lover in me.

Huntress – A heroine I can so totally relate to, Grace inspires me. The biggest regret I have about sending my Kindle Fire back is that this series is only available in e-format. One day we will be together again. One day.

And as always, I’m open to recommendations. What books call your name in the quiet of an evening? What books are like old friends, the ones that take you as you are and don’t expect you to be on your best game?

 

Can You Ever Really Know Me?

Friends, I have been issued a challenge this weekend by The Hobbler. Ever play the game “Two Truths And A Lie?” We’re taking it to the next level. Which of the following are true, and which are only wishes?

1) The dance troupe I toured with did a performance in Japan. For the wife of the chairman of the board of Toyota motors.

2) I was once bitten by a baby  caiman. When I was using it in an education program.  Its teeth only broke the skin, but I gained a new respect for crocodilians.

3) I once swallowed a live goldfish on a bet. And I promptly threw it up. The victim, however, did not survive. I still feel really guilty, and it hurts my heart to even think about it.

4) I nearly missed my high school graduation to go to a dog show. My mom bribed me into collecting my diploma at the last second.

5) I am turning a walk-in closet into a reptile room. So I will finally have a place to breed woma pythons. The closet is already outfitted with wire shelving and two electrical outlets. Just waiting for my income tax refund to finish the work and buy the snakes.

6) I once used the “f” word in a paper for high school English. And still got an “A.”

7) I have a potted fern with a history. I started it from a spore that came from one of the flower arrangements at my grandmother’s funeral.

8) My most prized possession is a hard-cover first edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. It was an accidental find at a used book store, and I only paid $30 for it! It’s one of only three things in our safe deposit box.

9) Despite my number of posts on passive aggression, like this one, this one, and this  one, I am not actually passive aggressive. I am pretty direct. With a devious imagination.

10)  When I visited Los Angeles, the only celebrity I saw was Judy Tenuta. And she was drunk. Without her accordion.

11) I once bottle-fed a litter of deer mice. They eat every 45 minutes, so I had to sneak them into work in a cooler.

12) I hatched a clutch of garter snake eggs that were found in a pile of mulch. Seven of the nine eggs hatched, and the babies were released at the site where the eggs were found.

Any guesses? I’m not even telling you how many truths there are. How well do you know me? Even better, how well do I know YOU? I challenge you to do a fib post of your own. If you do, send me the link so I can make my guesses!

Truth or wish? This blog is ghost-written by Kisses the Cat

 

Happy Tortoise Day: Bonus Edition

Each Wednesday, I spend my day happily up to my elbows in tortoise turds as I volunteer in the reptile department of my zoo. It’s one of the best things I do all week. Look at the photo below (keeping in mind that it’s about three times larger than life). What’s not to love? Even when it pees on me.

One of my charges. This guy (gal?) is about the size of a golf-ball . Photo courtesy of Phil Colclough

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You may already be familiar with my supervisor, Michael, who was featured in the revised edition of a wonderful children’s book. In addition to signing autographs and generally being awesome, he works closely with the Turtle Survival Alliance (TSA), which has undertaken a unique project. Tortoises in Madagascar are rapidly disappearing due to illegal collection for meat and for the pet trade. TSA has worked out a partnership with Antsakoamasy, a village in Madagascar. The villagers will protect the ever-dwindling population of radiated tortoises, and TSA will build a school for their children. The ultimate win:win.

The school is nearing completing and is set to open in March. What they need now are tables, benches, and school supplies for their students. Here is the exciting part. Furniture for the entire school will cost only about $1800 US dollars, and a only a few hundred more would purchase the necessary school supplies.  This is where you come in. Michael is headed to Madagascar with TSA in a few weeks to teach villages how to properly care for confiscated tortoises until the animals can be returned to the wild. I would love be able to help raise the funds before he goes.

My friends, this is an achievable goal. Every dollar will add up quickly. I think we can knock it out of the ballpark and help these kids whose families are working to help protect this precious and endangered animal.

If you’d like to donate, you can find the Paypal link set up by Knoxville Zoo just for this project here. All proceeds be spent on this school.   A Paypal account is not required to use this link. There’s no pressure to donate. Anyone can help by sharing this post or the Paypal link. 

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*** Update: As of Wednesday afternoon,  almost $700 has been raised. That means we’re 30% of the way there! Thank you so much for your support!

Adult radiated tortoise cooling off in the mid-day sun. Photo courtesy of Michael Ogle

Malagasy kids saying hey, photo courtesy of Michael Ogle

 

Because I Aim To Please

I know it’s no longer Valentine’s day. I also remember that I already wrote a post on search terms.  Bear with me. This post is especially for my new pal. Well, not so much pal as person who wound up here after searching “What to expect for Valentine’s day from my passive aggressive husband.” Now you understand why I am compelled to write this.

A box of fat-free chocolates - because, well, you know.

A gym membership – though you have never once mentioned wanting to join a gym. See above.

Racy underwear – in the wrong size. From Wal-mart.

A Valentine’s card with someone else’s name on it 

A lovely flower arrangement -containing poison ivy and  a sprig of hemlock

A candlelit dinner – from Paco’s All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Stand

A bottle of wine – the best that Boone’s Farm has to offer

A charm bracelet - from a vending machine

A bag of candy - containing the nuts you’re deathly allergic to

A vacuum  cleaner - because the one you have obviously isn’t working very well

A box of tiny chocolates - with the words “Ex-lax” stamped on the top of each candy

A new cordless drill - Just like he’s you’ve been hoping for

I didn’t post this on Valentine’s day because all of your lovely surprises might have been ruined. You’re welcome.

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Nearly Wordless Wednesday: The Truth About Us

I hate socks. Wearing them is great. Matching them is a pain. Someone gave Squish twelve pairs of precious little construction socks. And every pair is different. Why do they hate me? Don’t answer that.

Here’s what the kid is wearing today. And please ignore the dog hair. We’re hoping to clone Phoebe, and she is obliging by providing DNA. Lots and lots of it.

In my defense, these two vehicles are going to the same work-site. This is a matched pair in my book.

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I Love You Because

I admire your sense of style. 

Technically, it was a Halloween costume. But this is the kid that asked for owl vomit for Christmas

You let me dress you funny.

He will hate me one day. But for now, plays along.

You love  me even though I wouldn’t know a Geonosian from a Clone Trooper. 

The kid loves Star Wars more than life.

You haven’t killed each other yet.

This is an old picture, so you'll have to take my word for it. They're all still alive.

You appreciate the value of naps. 

You can caption this one yourself. I go with "Awwww! But I'm still not having another one."

You lead me to amazing places.

Following my dreams

Happy Valentine’s day!

 

Looking For Silver Linings

The season of Lent is approaching, and I am spending some time getting ready. While I do choose something to give up every year, I also try to add a positive habit to my life. 40 days to a better me sounds great. This year, I will be learning to put a positive spin on whatever comes my way.

1) I had to take Squish out in public on Sunday with his coif completely untameable. It was bad. People stared.

Worse than this. Hard to believe, I know. And no amount of water would tame.

Silver lining: He found a flowered hat in the church nursery that covered his pillow-perm just fine. The matching purse was  just a bonus.

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2) The book I am reading, A Discovery of Witches, is terrible. Bad. Derivative. I think the protagonist is supposed to be the anti-Bella. She is so fiercely independent that her new vampire boyfriend must save her from herself. By taking over her life.

Silver lining: All the eyeball-rolling I have done is building my ocular muscles. I may be the first to sport six-pack eyes. Care to work out with me? When someone threatens to kill Diana, vampire boyfriend Matthew helps her deal with her fear by taking her to yoga class. And roll. Hold it! Feel the burn?

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3) This weekend, I had my daughter watch both Squish and the bread dough that was rising on the counter. The results indicate she has little actual knowledge of baking bread from scratch.

Silver lining: To her credit, she did remember which of her two charges she was supposed to punch the air out of and cover with a bowl.

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4) My album did not win any Grammy awards last night. I guess the world is not ready for experimental kazoo.

Silver lining: I’m in good company. The Wiggles totally got dumped this year, too.

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5) The lack of animal protein in my diet was getting to me yesterday, but owing to a vegetarian daughter, there was no meat in the fridge.

Silver lining: My neighborhood is full of cats. And squirrels. Tastes like chicken.

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6) My son invited me to lunch at school. Sadly, his lunch started half an hour later than he thought it did.

Silver lining: I had plenty of time to observe the school children and realized that they all dress like orphans. I am no longer fussed at his inability to match his clothes. He may be a trend-setter for all I know.

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7) We watched Frontier House this weekend. I know without a doubt that I would never have been able to grow enough food to survive a Montana winter.

Silver lining: I realize my limitations and appreciate my abilities.  I may not be able to grow my own food, but I can clone a carrot. Take that, you pioneer losers with your primitive tools and your self-respect! Seriously. Cloned a carrot in college. Why aren’t you writing that factoid down somewhere? There will be a quiz later.

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8) WordPress takes me to task when I fail to use the optimal number of tags. I can never please them. It’s either too few or too many.

Silver lining: I am much stronger for the experience. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but automated suggestions can be ignored.

 

Why Am I Here?

There are so many ways in this life to get where we want to go. A studious nature and hard work can take us to college. Diligence (and some luck) can bring us to the job of our dreams. The road less traveled can get us lost in the woods. And googling freaky phrases can apparently lead you here.  If you lose the bookmark to my site, never fear. You can always find me by searching the following:

And you thought this was going to be an angst-riddled post about the meaning of life that leaves us depressed and drinking heavily. It’s not.  I’m saving that one for Valentine’s day. Or maybe your birthday. 

“Why is everyone sick on Idol” That’s an excellent question, actually. Having never watched an episode of Idol, I have no answer. I know this person left my site disappointed and sick at heart. I will strive to do better.

“Toddler shame, embarrassment, and guilt facial expressions” I have you covered here. I am the expert in toddler ethology. Need to know what those expressions look like? Search no further.

Guilt? Check. Shame? Check? Embarrassment? Got you covered. Goggles? You know it.

 

“I hope my passive aggressive husband dies” Two words for you, friend. Seek help.

“To let me know – is it aggressive to use” I do not know if it is aggressive to use, but I do know that the use of an incomplete search term is passive-aggressive. I have no idea what you’re thinking of using, and it’s driving me batty. Well done.

“Has Wal-mart gotten any better” In a word, no.

“Latch hook kits dogs playing poker” I did mention such a kit in a blog once. And now I am wondering if they  really exist. Somebody send me one. (I’m on the first page of that search. I rock.)

“Cliches immortaity” This term upsets me on more than one level. It hurts my heart that they found my blog with a misspelling. But what if spell check actually failed them? I will not sleep tonight.

“Neuter your truck” Yes, please. I wrote a blog on this topic many months ago, and the issue is still close to my heart. Neuter those trucks.

“Birthday wishes fat people.” Thank you for that. Grandma, I know that was you.

“How to work out moles” Teeny tiny dumbbells.

“Baby grow stupid” I am a big believer in dumbing kids down. Smart ones are harder to keep up with.

“Thing that have not come in the market that can be useful for us and only in cartoon“ Rosie the Robot comes to mind. I got five hits on that term. It’s obviously a burning question.

Thanks, Wikipedia

 

“Gojo/gojo handsfree handset/gojo infomercial” Someone underestimated the popularity of this product. I get multiple hits every single day, so it must be great. I don’t have a cell, but I hope to use it to hold my pillow. Nothing like hands-free nap-readiness.

“Santa Claus doesn’t forget illustrator” And he shouldn’t. I know some very nice illustrators who deserve a visit from him.

“Santa pooping down chimney” Sometimes a lump of coal just doesn’t cover it.

 

Enjoy challenging fellow bloggers? Drop by Snobbery and add your weirdest or most popular search term(s) in her comments. She will turn them into haiku (low-ku) for my your reading pleasure.