Nobody’s Perfect

Mocha cupcake. Hands off.

I don’t know why it came as such a surprise to them. It wasn’t new information. I know they haven’t been laboring under the illusion the Mom-is-a-saint illusion. That ship sailed long ago. So when that package of sweets arrived unexpectedly in our mailbox, why did it rock my kids’ world to be reminded of a great truth? Mom doesn’t share.

There, I said it. I don’t share. I never have. Okay, I do share sometimes, but apparently letting them share my body for nine months was soon forgotten. But I don’t share food. Not the good stuff.

Don’t look at me like that. I feed them. Daily. Several times. But when I am presented with a tasty morsel, some treat of which there is limited quantity, I go Cro-Magnon. I hide my kill and come back for it later. Bears don’t share, so why should I?

I don’t know why they thought this package was different. Before management jacked the price up 60%, I routinely bought a vegan brownie at Whole Foods once a week. I savored that tidbit all week long, dividing it into four pieces and treating myself at the end of a long day. The kids would tease me about it, pretending they were going to eat it themselves, but it was all in good fun. They never expected to have any of it for real. And they leave my chocolate cereal alone. It’s my new “brownie-isn’t-worth-the-money-but-I-need-something-sweet” treat. They leave that alone. Only if I have been a slacker and allowed us to run out of regular cereal do they expect to receive a bowlful. It’s my penance.

So why do they seem to think that these delightful little candies are up for grabs? Is it because they are Cadbury? Because they are individually wrapped? Because they are from England? Or is it just because they are mine? And they are. Mine! Mine! Mine!

Upon seeing the contents of the package, daughter threw puppy-dog eyes, middle son hugged me, and Squish, in his Pavlovian response to receiving treats for his dirty business, ran to the bathroom to poop. That’s nice, ya’ll but no. No. No. No. Mine.

I put the treats in a high cabinet as soon as I brought them in the house. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind. My son said “You might want a surveillance camera just to keep an eye on them.” Does he really think they are staying there? I may be absent-minded, but I am not stupid. I put them in that cabinet to throw them off the trail. I have a series of secret places, and I will simply move my goodies from spot to spot until I have finished them. My dark chocolate and raspberry candies lived in my sock drawer. My brownie lived in the kids’ Halloween buckets. Ironically, they never look there. I have been known to tuck treats in an empty Tampax box, guaranteeing no male in the household will touch it. It’s like hiding Superman’s cookies in a kryptonite cabinet.

So where to put these little morsels? Yeah, right. Like I’m telling. I. Don’t. Share.

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17 thoughts on “Nobody’s Perfect

  1. I LOVE that I’m not the only mom who does this.. See, my kids just don’t get that mommy’s treats are just that-MOMMY’S… that’s why I put them way up high where my husband can’t readh.. and he’s shorter than me by like an inch, but I have monkey arms so I can totally hide things on the very very top shelf in our upper cupboards.. and no one is the wiser.. well, no one cuz they aren’t able to go online and read this post =)

    Halloween candy bag… that’s a good call, but it wouldn’t work around here.. that’s the first place the boys go for candy LOL .. nothin’ like gettin’ busted by your kid at 9pm with your hand in their candy bag.. and nobody to back you up (which was hubby’s payback for not backin’ him up earlier in that week…even though the issue was boy issue LOL) (That is one of our fave stories we repeat every fall.. even though it happened like two years ago)

  2. I’m so glad I am not the only one who hides stuff from the kids. The other day I ate two cupcakes while the kids were gone…there was only one left after and I was full but I didn’t want the kids to fight over it, so I just ate the top part…with the icing…it just would have been a big deal…”I thought there were three…where are the cupcakes…etc.” I threw the bottom away to destroy the evidence. Out of sight out of mind right?

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