How You “Like” Them Apples?

Mimes from freefoto.com. Wait. If they're mimes, why do they need a mandolin?

In honor of National Cliche Day, I am doing some hating on Facebook. Again. Because I’m too tired to have an affair with my tennis pro and too busy not working on my novel for NaNoWriMo to go to Starbucks for a half-caff pumpkin latte with a whisper of cinnamon.

The new Facebook is, well, interesting. I created a little fan page for my blog. My dream was to have a gazillion people “like” my blog. Because as we know, a “like” on Facebook really means love. And I need to be loved. Nothing says “You’re awesome, and therefore not a waste of space,” like the approval of complete strangers.

So now they’ve changed the format of their page a bit.  And for fan pages, that means nifty little analytics. Instead of counting views or “hits,” now we’re collecting “impressions.” Cool. The problem is that the impression my page is doing looks to be  Marcel Marceau. 

Seriously. The hits on my blog have increased to a satisfying level, but I don’t have Facebook to thank. In the last two week, the site stats on  Wordpress indicate I have gotten exactly one hit from Facebook. That means that twice as many people have found my blog using the search engine terms “nudists” and “peed pants Halloween” and exactly the same number using the term “pooped undies” as have found it by following me on Facebook. Let that sink in for a moment. Or not.

I know that at least some of my followers would read the posts if they could find them.Or at least click the links to shut me up.  Because we are related, and they’d like to avoid uncomfortable confrontations at Thanksgiving. At least the confrontations that don’t pertain to Uncle Bert’s affair with a local TV personality. Some things simply must be talked about. Family is family, after all. And a friend did mention that she hasn’t actually seen a post from me in a couple of weeks. Awesome. I post five days a week.

I know what you’re thinking. “Get a clue, sister. You suck. I hate you.” And that’s possible, especially if you are my actual sister. And you’d be within your rights. Sorry, sis!  But it’s not just happening to me. One of my favorite pages has achieved enviable levels of cyber-stranger-approval, and the owner added a new post a few days ago. But I didn’t find it on Facebook without actually looking for it. A post with 1,800 comments and 11,000 “likes” got buried in my news feed about as quickly as it got posted. Instead, I found it on Twitter. Interesting.

Another beef that I have about Facebook is that it is so hard to find people you actually know in real life. I get suggestions all the time to friend people who went to school with somebody I once met on the bus, but rarely are they someone I really know. And forget searching for them. When I typed in “Elizabeth with the beautiful hair who invited me to her birthday party but I couldn’t go and then she moved away at the end of kindergarten and I never saw her again,” I got no results at all. Not a single one. I got some link to an article about Obama and a profile that appears to belong to a dog. Come on, Facebook. If you can’t help me stay in touch with the people I hold dear, or at least the people I vaguely remember who occur to me while I’m distracting myself instead of writing on my novel, what good are you?

In conclusion, I am concluding. My hate is spent, and I really need to go to the grocery store. Nothing squelches creativity (and self-respect) like a trip to Wal-mart, but if I feed the kids all-purpose flour and cherry pie filling again, they might complain.

And all is not lost for me. I am coming to the conclusion that there are more important things than being “liked” and read on Facebook. There are things that are better indicators of my worth in the world. Like being “followed” on Twitter.

 

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22 thoughts on “How You “Like” Them Apples?

  1. people don’t understand that writers–even those who welch on their NaNo responsibilities (especially those who welch on their NaNo responsibilities) need ‘likes’. we subsist on them. pay me in “likes”.

  2. Great post!

    And if you can’t rely on family to read your stuff, then perfect strangers are probably not a bad alternative to fill the esteem well. At least that’s what I’m thinking. Family will love me when I die, and they inherit my royalties!

  3. I subscribe to your blog, so it is conveniently delivered to my inbox. So, while I may not “like” your daily missives on Facebook, I read them each morning because I actually like them (& you.)

  4. Oh dear, am I lost in a backwater, i don’t have a facebook for my blog, or a twitter, in fact i don’t even know how to set up either of these things. I don’t think i have the right phone either.. Oh Woe! I had better get back to writing my book. Just blogging is enough for me i think.. Do you post your blog to the facebook? or do you write new material for facebook .. and what do you say on twitter.. am i too old for this stuff?.. c

  5. I used to forward my posts to my facebook page, but stopped. I felt like I was pimping myself out to my family and friends. Like, “Here everybody. Read this. Really, read it! It’s pretty freaken funny. Seriously, it is. Go on, read it!”

    As for Twitter, I still don’t totally get it. I don’t know how to use a hashtag or even where to find a list of the hastags. For some reason Twitter keeps recommending that I follow Kim Kardashian. I don’t know why. :(

    • I like Twitter. I post to FB because I read other people’s blogs and such on FB. I changed over to a fan page so that people could “like” the page if they wanted to. People who like it are the only ones who have it appear in their news feed. But the new feed has those “top stories” that are based on statistics, so posts are usually buried in a different part of the feed within seconds. Someone using a fan page as marketing will find it slow-going.

      What it really boils down to, though, is I hate Facebook. Nothing they could do short of sending me actual human friends in the mail would please me. I look for excuses. And puppies. My love can be bought with puppies. Hear that, Facebook?

  6. Great post! I really like the “likes” – although I try so very hard not to. Now that I’ve acknowledged my truth, I’d obviously be putting on airs if I acted as if I didn’t notice you visited my blog. So…. Thank You for the Like :)

  7. So, I’m new to blogging (but a freakin veteren to being a hilarious parent), and I actually have you to blame for my coveting of “likes.” You (intentionally or not) liked a post of mine, and it made me warm and fuzzy inside. Now, I’m clearly blog-stalking you. I’m the 17th person to like this post. Are you feeling warm and fuzzy yet?

A penny for your thoughts! And by penny, I mean a warm-fuzzy in your heart.

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