Here’s Why I Did It

My sister at the "Oh, Dear Lord, You Are OLD!" party I threw for her. You're welcome for the prunes, sis. Hope they get the job done.

You will have to excuse me this morning. I took my sister to the midnight showing of “Breaking Dawn” for her birthday. I got about three hours of sleep, and now I’m so tired that I can’t remember if the name “Edward” contains one “q” or two. Spell check doesn’t seem to like either variation, so it must not be working.

I’m not the kind of gal who would buy a ticket for a midnight showing for a Twilight movie. Truly. Because I am a grownup with three children. And it wasn’t Harry Potter. But I bought those tickets. Because my sister wanted to go. The woman who has not left her house after dark since I can remember. She’s kind of the anti-vampire, really. But the moment I reminded her that the movie was coming out soon, she said “We could go at midnight!” with a kind of manic glee usually reserved for a two-for-one sale on toilet paper. So I bough the tickets. Because I was a little afraid not to.

So here I sit, part vampire, myself. I cringe from the rising sun, have pale skin, dead eyes, and no blood running through my veins. It’s all coffee. But I am glad I did. Because I owed her. For all the things she had to put up with over the years. Taking one for the team for:

 

 The times I called her “fat face.” As though it were her name. It is not. Her birth certificate clearly states “Dear Little Dawn.” Or something like that.

The time I neglected to mention that she had chocolate ice cream all around her mouth. While she was talking to her former teachers. And trying to act cool. In the mall. At that marvelously awkward age of 13. She has never been able to eat ice cream in public since. Even with a spoon.

The times I may have forgotten to relay a phone message to my sister from the guy she had a crush on.  I’m sure that’s not a big deal. She didn’t even know they liked her in return, so she wasn’t missing anything, right?

The time(s) my puppy pooped in front of her bedroom door. I probably didn’t see it. Before she stepped in it. I swear.

All the undergarments of hers my dog stole and drug out into the yard. By the street. That were left out there for the neighbors to see. And guys who came to pick her up. Whoops. My bad.

The time I may or may not have forgotten to mention that she had tucked the back of her skirt into her panty-hose. As she was preparing to walk down the center aisle of our very large church to get to the choir loft. Where she had to sing. At the age of 14. Sorry, sis. I thought you knew.

All the times I may have insinuated that her make-up made her look like a transsexual circus clown. To my transsexual friends, I apologize. I was young and didn’t know how insulting that comparison might be. For you. And for circus clowns. She outgrew that stage, probably because of me. You’re welcome, world.

All the times I’ve called her “old.”  She is not old. Just much, much older than I am. And sometimes needs reminding.

That over-the-hill surprise party I threw for her last year. To remind her that she is old. Because that’s what sisters do. At least, sisters who know there is minimal chance of reciprocation.

So dear sister, if you are reading this, I apologize. I do not, in fact, hate you, although that phrase may have slipped out a time or two. Million. I would risk my life for you. Which I did last night. Those people were crazy. Happy Birthday, sis!


 

 

 

 

69 thoughts on “Here’s Why I Did It

  1. Hey I was on the WordPress humor tag, and there you where on the first page. I loved the post. I might have to write one for my brother. On seecond thought……..maybe not.

  2. Aw man! I had always pictured you as a kind, sweet child. As my mum always told me, “Stop torturing your sister!” I guess you have stopped and managed to torture yourself in the process. Well, played. Now I have to figure out the Twilight equivalent for my sisyer’s birthday. I have some making up to do…

    Also, as the world’s worst speller, “can’t remember if ‘Edward’ is spelled with one q or two,” had me in a fit of giggles. :)

  3. This was so funny I actually had to read it out loud to my sister on the phone this morning. I told her to consider it my early birthday card to her, my much older sister.

    Laughing all the way through the day with this one!!

  4. As Transitioning Mom’s wee-bit older (but so much funnier) sister, my perspective is a little bit different. I think there should be many, many more midnight premieres in your future if you ever want to balance the karma! Ditto to my more immature sister!
    Loved you blog! Laughed so hard, my slightly more mature bladder almost gave out on me!

  5. “The time I may or may not have forgotten to mention that she had tucked the back of her skirt into her panty-hose.”

    Gahhhh, I saw my step-mom almost leave the house like this when I was 9 and it’s remained on my Top 10 Fears List since then.

    • I did not expect to like the movie because it seemed gimmicky to split it in two. But it was excellent. CGI in just the right amounts, ended exactly where I thought it should have. The acting was so much better, too. I enjoyed it.

  6. Be glad you’re not my little sister *evil smile*. Evilness aside, that was one of the most interesting ways to wish a sibling a happy birthday.

  7. I kind of wish you had been my sister because at this point I would cash in my chips and redeem them for something way bigger than a midnight showing. I’d take some punishment if I knew it would eventually earn me a weekend in Vegas :)

  8. I love your blog. I followed you. Please don’t be upset if I don’t comment often. I find blogs, especially funny, well-written ones, to be un-endingly distracting. Therefore, I could sacrifice 100% of my freelance income to reading blogs. Be flattered. You should be. I am a woman of discerning taste. :-)

  9. Love this post. Even as a sad “only child,” I could appreciate it. Well done. Hilarious. And kudos on the twilight story-made my day.

  10. I grew up with one brother and no sisters. I just find this hysterical and the “stuff” you did to your sister I did simular things to my brother and vice versa. Good save with the prunes!

  11. As you know, I’ve been reading you a while. I think this is my favorite post that you’ve written thus far. Inspired, hilarious and sweet. I’ll never look at a bag of dried prunes again without thinking of you.

  12. Like mommygosleepynow, I’m one of four sisters. I think that’s reason enough to love this post. Another good reason is that it serves as a cautionary tale if I should think of starting a confessional of all the *possibly* not-nice things I’d done to and with my sisters over the years. Much better to laugh at others’ suffering! :D

  13. Pingback: Oh my! It’s the Liebster Blog Awards! « Tales from the Motherland

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