Here’s Why I Hoard

I spent my day off cleaning the garage, throwing away all the useless crap we will never need again. No good deed goes unpunished. Last night, my lovely daughter said “Mom, when you’re down in the garage cleaning, can you look for some Beanie babies? I need them for school.” Um, Beanie babies? The ones you haven’t touched in five years? The ones I loaded into trash bags to haul off? Those Beanie babies?

Yes, as it turns out. Those exact Beanie babies. Why does a high school student need stuffed toys? I suspected a ploy to make me feel guilty for throwing stuff away. “Why do you need them?” was my clever query. I restrained myself from sticking out my tongue and adding “Nyah”

“Latin club is participating in a convention. I wanted some stuffed birds so students can chuck them at Prometheus’ liver.”

Well, poop. I guess she really did need them. I’m never throwing anything away again.

I'm pretty sure this is what Rubens really had in mind.

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58 thoughts on “Here’s Why I Hoard

  1. Isn’t it always like this? You finally throw away those W28 skinny jeans because your fat 36 ass will never fit into them again and then, two months later you discover the new super special no-hunger diet that makes you lose enough weight to finally squeeze back into them.

    Only that second bit never really happens, it’s just wishful thinking. But it totally could, right?

  2. When I was in elementary school, we went to the National Zoo to see the white tigers. I bought a small stuffed animal version.

    In junior high, we had to write and perform a skit for Spanish class about going to the zoo. In my group’s skit, the zookeeper left the gate open, leading to an animal escape that was best demonstrated by flinging the stuffed white tiger at a doll.

    So I guess what I have to say is: Team Daughter.

    Sorry.

  3. I think this is why I so strongly believe in thrift stores. It seems a couple of times a month I am hauling a bag off to them, and getting a bag in return. It’s a good place for unwanted beanie babies, and a good place to pick up “new” ones if need be.

  4. My kid still looks at me suspiciously if she can’t find a stuffy (that she might have only touched once for about 3 minutes and then discarded, but that she remembers the name of, who gave it to her and what she might like to use it for someday).

  5. If you had cleaned your garage a week earlier & your daughter had asked for Beanie Babies, they would have been gone & she would have coped just fine. The only reason this feels like an excuse is because the “throwing out” & the “request” came so close together. Purge away! You’ll love the freedom from carrying around all that stuff.

  6. It starts out with Beanie Babies and then ends with a nest of rats in a giant box of expired nutella crammed on top a towering pile of cabbage patch dolls. Or that’s what A&E Hoarders has led me to believe. TV is never wrong.

  7. I’m the opposite of a hoarder and I’ve often lived to regret it. Still I keep clearing stuff out. My wife is the opposite and it drives her nuts.

  8. I threw away broken toys, like a plastic Jessie (from Toy Story) with it’s arms and legs snapped off. The very next day my five year old was looking for it. I said “She’s really broken, and you have a whole bunch of Jessie toys…” He looked at me like I was putting the dog to sleep “not TOO broken though, right?” Erasing parts of your kids memory is probably immoral, right?

    • Not too broken. So there’s a line there? No arms, not too broken. No head, safe to toss? What body part is the essence of who the character is? We need to ask our kids these questions.

  9. Completely hilarious! I had a box of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys that the boys had given away. I ended up taking them to school and having students use them for a brown bag test (as symbols for items in a few novels). I would never have had such a cool assignment if I had thrown them away! :)

  10. First things first…the picture!! <3

    And I do this to my mom all the time, to the point where she just tells me she threw everything away and half the time I can't tell if she's telling the truth or not! Haha.

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