I have poison ivy, in case you didn’t already know. I am bordering on the “seek a medical opinion” phase, so I did. On Facebook, of course. Wait. Where do you get your medical advice? Dr. Facebook has no copay. The only cost is your soul.
I got some great ideas. I liked sj’s suggestion to put calamine lotion in the fridge. My mom recommended a giant scratch-fest, followed by a dousing in rubbing alcohol. I liked the scratching part, anyway. Another friend suggested a pricey remedy that was ten times the cost of a bottle of calamine. And I went to Target to find it.
I was sorely (itchily?) disappointed. They do indeed have an entire section devoted specifically to “itching,” but it consists only of hydrocortisone creams in varying strengths and the cheap pink stuff. Thinking I was missing the “Sure fire, instantaneous cures for all things itchy” aisle, I went to the pharmacist. She shook her head. “That’s all we have. Hydrocortisone is what’s recommended, anyway.” Target, you have missed the boat, here. Do you not realize I was willing to pay $20 for a tube of hope? Who cares if it actually worked? It’s like Santa Claus. The power is in the believing.
I sent my husband out later in search of the magic ointment. The drug store is within walking distance of our house. I knew I was up a creek when he didn’t return for an hour. He handed me the bag, which contained calamine lotion. And a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Shame-faced, he told me he had, indeed, found the potion I had sent him for. And he asked me to guess how much it cost. Um, $20? Try $40. A single package of this amazing remedy would cost as much as a nice dinner out for the entire family. Yeah, no.
So how does the story end? With the bottle of alcohol and a most delicious scratch- frenzy. Cheap and satisfying, and I still have money left over to have a great dinner!
It is no coincidence that the first "o" looks like a heart.Want to hear something weird? My mom just told me that I was actually supposed to put the alcohol on my skin. But wouldn't that burn?
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 1, 2012 at 9:06 am
Oh my. I’m so sorry. Have you tried soaking bandages in tea? Or sitting in a bathtub of tea? Or copious amounts of the non-rubbing form of alcohol?
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I haven’t tried tea. If I’m not better by the weekend, I’m going for it!
Elyse
May 1, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Tea is my remedy for everything. It works wonders!
When the Kids Go To Bed
May 1, 2012 at 9:10 am
I’ve heard banana peels but haven’t tried it. I’ve been putting cold water on it then standing in front of a fan, followed by Aveeno concentrated anti-itch. It’s been working wonders. It’s finally starting to dry up. Better than any remedy I have tried. Good luck…Happy itching.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I haven’t tried Aveeno, either. Is it a powder or a cream?
When the Kids Go To Bed
May 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Its a lotion. http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=aveeno+anti-itch+concentrated+lotion&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&oe=UTF-8&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=13195786556987278133&sa=X&ei=vyCgT_3YNsmJ6AGpn82rAg&ved=0CHcQ8wIwAQ# only $5!! benedryl creams never work for me.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:48 pm
$5? That’s IT? WOW!
benzeknees
May 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm
You can also get Aveeno bath crystals, so you can soak in a bathtub full of Aveeno. Makes a mess of your bathtub, but does wonders for the itching. Then when you get out of the bath you spread on Aveeno cream.
Animalcouriers
May 1, 2012 at 9:15 am
Ha ha ha, it’s the remedy of first choice round here!
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm
It will cure what ails you. Poison ivy, head cold, hang nail…
linneann
May 1, 2012 at 9:16 am
Geez, how long does this thing last? Feel for you.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:37 pm
My husband had a case that lasted for a solid month. It’s my first time at this rodeo. I’ll let you know!
linneann
May 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm
I will look forward to learning that it is over. Still, you’ve managed to maintain your lively sense of humor.
Audrey
May 1, 2012 at 9:19 am
$40? Daaaang! Yeah I like your plan of alcohol and scratching better – so much more satisfying anyway. I don’t remember having a reaction to poison ivy for that long, it’s been days right? Craziness. Hoping calamine lotion helps!
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm
It has been a week and a half, I think? More new bumps pop up every day. But the scratching feels so good, it’s almost worth it!
whencrazymeetsexhaustion
May 1, 2012 at 9:28 am
While I certainly feel bad about the poison ivy, I would be remiss if I didn’t admit how excited I get when I see a new post of yours in my inbox! Scratch away, just keep typing
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I’ll scratch with one hand, type with the other. I just hope all my posts don’t say the same thing. Like “OOOOOOOHHHHHH! That’s the spot!” Could be embarrassing.
the domestic fringe
May 1, 2012 at 10:43 am
Ok, I have a remedy and it’s cheap and it works. You’ll have to trust me on this. Take baking soda and vinegar (regular clear household stuff) and make a paste. Plaster your poison ivy with the paste and let it dry. It will kind of harden and be generally nasty and you’ll smell bad, but hey, it’s cheap and it works. Try to remember that. Then when it’s dry, take a wet washcloth and rub your skin hard under running water until it’s clean and the nasty paste is gone. It is the longest lasting relief for extreme itch that I’ve found. Try it. Seriously.
Best of luck to you. Hope you feel better soon.
~FringeGirl
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:40 pm
That sounds marvelous! I happen to have a gallon jug of vinegar. Don’t ask. Just pretend I dye a lot of Easter eggs.
the domestic fringe
May 1, 2012 at 8:24 pm
lol. That’s the only thing I use vinegar for – Easter Eggs.
Hope it works for you!
notquiteold
May 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Just have to add that vinegar is great for lots of things. Clean your stove. Clean your coffee pot. But best of all: as a safe defoliant instead of poisonous roundup. We have a gravel drive, and grass and weeds come up. But we don’t want to poison our pets or contaminate the ground or our well. We spray with vinegar. Weeds dry up.
Holly
May 12, 2012 at 10:14 pm
Just had to toss my two-cents in on the vinegar issue – in Canada we eat it. Mostly on fish and chips but other foods as well. Crazy, eh?
Tiffany (lifewithblondie)
May 1, 2012 at 11:12 am
I always take leftover doses of prednisone. Its prescription of course, but my kids never finish it off and I always save it because years ago my doctor gave me a Rx for it. She said it was the strongest antihistamine there is. Like Benadryl times a thousand. I was only supposed to take it 5 days a month, sparingly, and for the year or so I did that it totally knocked my allergies under control (which had never been under control). So now the leftovers are what I use when things like poison ivy get me….
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Steroids + me = violent crime. I am not myself on prednisone. But I am considering it.
Tiffany (lifewithblondie)
May 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I hear ya! It gets my little boy all in a tizzy, but sometimes, it’s gotta get worse to get better, right?
Angie Z.
May 1, 2012 at 11:21 am
Great ending! I want to drink that too. Because after reading this, I’m now itching all over.
I hope you get over it soon.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Have a drink on me! But I recommend something other than the rubbing alcohol. It has a bit of a bite.
surroundedbyimbeciles
May 1, 2012 at 11:33 am
My grandfather used to tell a story about cleaning a fence row with his uncle and encountering poison ivy. To prove his toughness, his uncle rubbed it on a sensitive area. It was a poor decision.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm
A poor decision, indeed. I just…um.., gah!
Tragic Sandwich
May 1, 2012 at 11:38 am
I think that what you’re looking for is an English pharmacy. Or perhaps an Australian one.
For future poison ivy/oak encounters, try washing as soon as possible afterward using Fels Naptha soap. And use Tide on your clothes. I’m not sure any of that will help now, but it might be useful for future reference.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Thanks! Now that I know it hates me, I will be using Dawn liquid after any gardening attempts. That stuff breaks up all kinds of oils. I didn’t know about Tide, though. Must get some!
ceciliag
May 1, 2012 at 11:47 am
You poor darling! magic is so expensive nowadays! c
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm
It really is. I filled out my application to Hogwarts so I can start brewing my own potions. Still waiting for my owl.
Anastasia
May 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Just dump a bunch of oatmeal (plain, or maple if you’re feeling crazy) in the tub with warm water and soak and rub it all over your skin…
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Oatmeal I have in plenty. Maple might make me hungry, but I’ve got pounds of the plain.
Anastasia
May 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Ooooooatmeeallll.. bath time.. wine and candles, cosmo and ooooatmeallll..
Rae
May 1, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Don’t itch and keep an eye on it! Trust me, you don’t want it to get to the point where you need steroids to treat it.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm
That’s what I’m most afraid of!
goorganicmom
May 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm
try rhus tox … it’s great for poison ivy/poison oak
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Thanks! I’ll check the co-op this afternoon.
muddledmom
May 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I’m still sticking to my rule of not touching anything green. Ever. Sounds horrible. I hope it goes away very soon! The alcohol sounds like a fine idea.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I think Squish is now sufficiently freaked out by the crud creeping up my legs. I may never get him in the forest again!
i mayfly
May 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I was going to suggest the rhus tox, as well. It seems to be more effective at the beginning of an outbreak, but it’s worth a ‘shot’ or worth not getting a shot. I purchase mine at the health food store or Whole Foods. I think the cost is around $6 for the homeopathic remedy.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Thanks! I’ll look into it today. Whole Foods where I am didn’t have it. But we have a couple of natural foods stores around.
Hippie Cahier
May 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm
The problem here might be Facebook. WebMD has coupons.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:51 pm
I think pretty much any problem can be traced back to Facebook. This one might stem from the fact that I have so few friends who are actual doctors.
Nicole Smeltzer
May 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm
They sell generic brand packets of oatmeal bath right next to the Aveeno oatmeal bath (in the bath section, not the drug section) that is very soothing and relaxing and smells heavenly. After you get out, your skin will be soothed for hours and you will smell delicious
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm
I am the queen of generic! I will look it up!
MJ, Nonstepmom
May 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm
So sorry, my “reader” tab is not working and I’m missing out on stuff all over WP !!! Yes, I agree putting the alcohol on your skin would just be silly! Hope you’re feeling better soon…
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm
See? That’s what I thought. A waste of perfectly good alcohol.
Buffaroozi
May 1, 2012 at 2:16 pm
try aloe vera gel and put it in the fridge before you put it on. also try sitting in an oatmeal bath. hopefully it will help, even just a little.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Oooooh! Aloe vera! Why didn’t I think of that?
The Hobbler
May 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Sorry BC. I never can find stuff that really works. It is crazy. They need to make some sort of placebo effect ointment.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:49 pm
I KNOW! I just need the hope. I can do the rest on my own!
etomczyk
May 1, 2012 at 7:36 pm
Oh, poor BC! I can’t even imagine! I’ve heard as many remedies as all your readers have listed but who knows what works. Just be careful not to spread it will rubbing whatever latest potion you’re using Especiall keep your hands away from your eyes and whip down your keyboard with some disenfectant.
Get well soon!
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:49 pm
I’m marvelously better this evening. Thanks for the good wishes!
2browndawgs
May 1, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Isn’t it a fact that magic potions come with a magic price? Hope you are on the mend.
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Isn’t that the truth?
Elyse
May 1, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Benadryl spray works pretty well too — and then you don’t have to touch it and risk spreading the oils. Feel better!
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:48 pm
After two weeks, I am sincerely hoping there are no oils LEFT! Kill me now!
Teresa Cleveland Wendel
May 1, 2012 at 10:06 pm
How about a mud bath?
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Waiting for it to rain as we speak.
Real Life Farm Wife
May 1, 2012 at 10:33 pm
I’m a scratcher, which is not good when you have poison ivy. I also must be a masochist, because my surefire remedy involves Chlorox. (And you thought the alcohol sounded bad!)
becomingcliche
May 1, 2012 at 10:47 pm
My husband uses Clorox. I don’t mind the burn as much as i mind the itch.
Laura
May 1, 2012 at 11:50 pm
I hope you’re itch-free soon. Maybe an antihistimine would help? Like Claritin or Benadryl?
Shannon
May 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Alcohol is a perfect remedy. Forget the Calamine (who wants to be pink?) or Clorox (there’s a good reason for the “danger” not “warning” label). And microwave-steamed hot rags. As hot as you can stand. They do work — better than cold.
correctionsandclarifications
May 2, 2012 at 10:55 pm
Last time I sent my husband out for magic-embarassing ointment, he prayed that there would be no need for a price check. Happy scratching!
Chris Sheridan
May 4, 2012 at 1:51 am
Enjoyed the humor here, but I hope you get better soon. I’ve been through this, and I know it’s no fun at all.