To the Creators of Bible School Curriculum

Dear friends,

While I have always enjoyed Bible school, there’s always a little room for improvement. There are several different curriculum that my church has purchased over the years, and there are a couple of areas that seem kind of consistent. Here are a few key points where we’re not quite on the same page yet. Come and join me in my world.

Location, location, location! I do enjoy a nice little dance move with  my Bible school songs, but it’s important to keep in mind that many older sanctuaries still use pews. Add a few fast and unexpected toe-touch moves, and it’s likely that one or more leaders will render themselves unconscious when they smack their head on the pew in front of them.

Keep it real, bro. As in, realistic. Preschool games should involve neither rules nor children touching one another. At any time. Ever. Especially at high speeds. Two or three black eyes during a game of freeze tag might be a bit of a downer. Maybe we could play Pass the Ice Pack or Bandage Your Buddy afterward.

Only vampires should sparkle. No craft ever, under any circumstances should require glitter, sand, confetti or red acrylic paint. The church who buys your curriculum will not love you. There is a special place in hell for those who plan glitter crafts. I picture it as a carpeted football field covered and glitter. You’ll be armed with nothing but a whisk broom and a broken dustpan. Good luck with that. The next group will be here in five minutes. Also ill-advised? Anything involving hammers or sewing needles.

The Barefoot Contessa we are not. The snack section of the curriculum should not contain actual recipes. I don’t care if it’s an island theme. No one is getting smoothies. Like, ever. Although the workers may enjoy a nice margarita when it’s all over. If it can’t be purchased at Wal-mart in a stay-fresh pack, it’s not going to happen. Construction theme? Cool, but while the grey Rice Krispy treats do look like boulders, that doesn’t make them appetizing.

Gifts that keep on giving.  Injuries and such. It’s awesome to have something nifty to give the kids at the end of the day, but use the old noggin. A colored pencil that changes colors as you sharpen it? Awesome! But sharpening them before you ship them to us? Are you kidding? Goodbye, hymnals, pew Bibles, thy neighbor’s eye. Hello, emergency room and lawsuit.

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Thank you for your time, friends.

Listen to Squish. Freeze tag bad. Duck Duck Goose bad. No touchy.

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