Not This Time!

I am always a step behind. I had a stack of LPs when the rest of society had tapes. For all you young whippersnappers who have no clue what an LP is, I’m talking about vinyl. Before it was hipster or ironic or whatever. When I finally got a Walkman, the world moved on to the Discman. Okay, you know me. It wasn’t a real Walkman. It was a half-price knock-off that lacked a rewind button, and I was cool for all of 10 minutes before CDs took over the market. My hand-held video game is a Gameboy Advance. While everyone else on the planet has a Playstation and an Xbox, I bought a Wii. Because that’s how I roll (I am fairly certain that this particular phrase went out of fashion six months ago). And I am about to get left behind again.

I learned last week that Ebay and Etsy have just made some major changes. After September 1, it is no longer permissible to sell magic spells, curses, potions or hexes on Ebay, and Etsy has a new ban on selling body parts. Curses! (wait, can I charge you for that?) Foiled again! How did I not see this coming? And how did I not know that people were buying  this stuff to begin with? I have been searching for a job I can do from home, and now it seems I have missed the real opportunity. It’s like getting in on the Beanie Baby market just after the bubble burst. Not that I am still bitter over that particular investment. Time heals all, you know. Have I said too much here?

Now I am called to make up for lost time. Though I have missed the boat on the whole Etsy thing (now what will I do with this gross of eyeball snow globes?), I have eleven days to make my fortune on Ebay. So here I go.My specialty is in weather-related spells. Here’s what you need to know.

The cool weather is on back order until at least October, but you can  should go ahead and pay for it today.

My rain spells are 100% guaranteed to work. Location, however, is not guaranteed. Something about time zones and such make that part tricky.

My snow spells are popular with school-age children, who should not be using Ebay in the first place, especially to purchase magic spells. No refund if product arrives melted. You shouldn’t have ordered it in August. I’m just sayin’.

My wind spells will blow you away. Not responsible for tornadoes, hurricanes, or any laundry blown off the line.

Sorry! I don’t do rainbows. I’m still looking for the rainbow connection. Someday we’ll find it.

I accept all forms of payment. Cheques, money orders, cash, Visa, Mastercard, Paypal, bodyparts I only have eleven days to make my millions. It’s not a lot of time, but I’ve already got a backup plan. Medical grade leeches. I’ll make a bloody fortune!

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I’ve got nothing against practitioners. But would I recommend someone buy a spell on Ebay? Um, no. I wouldn’t buy holy water on Ebay, either (which is strangely still allowed). There are too many questionable sellers who specialize in passing off cheap imitations (Couch brand purse, anyone? How ’bout some Pucci boots?). For all I know, that “holy” water came straight out of a toilet, and that magic love spell may cause my elbows to bend backward.

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