What’s For Dinner?

I’ve got just the thing. Black bean burgers. They take a little time, but they are super-cheap, really healthy, and even the kids like them.  Here’s what you need:

15 oz cooked black beans: You can buy them canned if you like. If you’re cheap particular like me and prefer to prepare your own, that’s 1 1/3 cup dried beans. I cook mine with salt, water, cilantro, cumin, garlic, and onion

1/2 onion, diced

2 slices of bread

1 raw egg

1/4C all purpose flour

Spices to taste (again, I like a little salt, garlic, cumin, and some chopped cilantro)

Cooking oil

See? Not much to it, right? Now here’s the fun part.

1) Caramelize your diced onion.

Okay, maybe that’s not caramelized. Maybe that’s scorched. Don’t cook yours as long. You don’t want them crunchy, you know.

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2) Feed the cats. Because their yowling is driving you to drink distraction.

3) Onions are now crunchy as corn flakes. Swear a little and dump them into mixing bowl.

4) What the heck. You love onions. And mushrooms. Slice the remaining half onion and saute as burger topping.

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But do try to remember that these are WHITE mushrooms. If you try to get them as dark as portabellas, you’re asking for crunchy onions again.

5) Fill cat’s water bowl. For the fourteenth time today.

6) Cube the bread slices and dump into mixing bowl with crunchy onion bits.

That’s right. I paid $1 for that cutting board. Only the best for me, baby.

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7) Intervene in small child’s flight demonstration.  Twice.

8 ) Sample caramelized onions and mushrooms. Repeat until they are nearly gone.

9) Add beans and raw egg to mixing bowl and mash it all together. Mix spices into flour, and then blend into the bean mixture. The flour and egg are literally the glue that holds it all together. Great image, right?

I use a potato masher. Or a ricer. I think it’s a masher, as I don’t believe I have ever riced anything in my life. Ricing sounds like a tactic used by the Chinese mafia.

10) Check kid’s homework. Take a moment to be grateful that school is almost over for the year.

11) Make burgers into patties. I didn’t take a picture of this part because my hands were covered with bean mixture. And it looked a little gross.

12) Answer phone with your elbows, and listen to long and unnecessary automated call from the school. 

12) Cook in oil on high heat, flipping ever few minutes. They’re done with they’re dark and kind of crunchy on both sides. I set them in the oil in big lumps, let them cook a few minutes, then flip and flatten with a spatula. Story of my life, you know?

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I really couldn’t tell you why it’s bubbling like that. It was the best oil Wal-mart had to offer, so I am sure there are no impurities. Cook it on high. HIGH. If you cook at a lower temperature, your burgers will be greasy.

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13) Serve. Yes, this means you have to share. I am truly sorry.

If you’re sneaky, no one else has to know about the onions and mushrooms.

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Now if you will excuse me, I am starving!

 

My Dearest Wish

My dearest wish for the day is that when my readers visited this post, they did not see this:

It’s not a video. Don’t try to click on it.

My second wish is that it is a sponsored ad, not a targeted. I’m not sure how they made the connection between my collection of adorable baby tortoise videos and a, shall we say, very personal problem.

Or maybe they assume that anyone using Youtube is at risk for contracting an STD? All I can say is that would be quite the unfortunate computer virus. Anyone know if Norton’s anti-virus checks for public health risks?

 

Be Very Afraid

Feeding time at the zoo is different in the reptile department.  Many reptiles do not eat everyday. Their metabolism is slower than ours because they don’t use their food-energy to maintain their body temperature, so some of them can go weeks, months, even a year without eating. It’s amazing.

Indian Star tortoises are not like that. They are, shall we say, enthusiastic eaters.  So just for kicks, toss in some greens, and sit back for the ride.

You would think they hadn’t eaten in a week. Watch your fingers!

They’re like a school of piranha! But vegetarian. And cuter.

Out of my way!

And of course, the post is not complete without video. I love this particular tortoise because she approaches mealtime in much the same way that I do.

 

Lost In Translation: Meteorology Edition

What your weather-predicting folks say, and what they really mean. Why do we even bother? 

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Late Frost Warning: I think it’s funny to see people tuck their azaleas in at night!

Here’s a look at the Doppler: Swirly, colorful pictures make me look wise. Like Gandalf.

Maps are so pretty! Studies show that just by presenting a map, my IQ has gone up 15 points in your eyes. You are not supposed to notice that I was too lazy to draw the individual states.

High Today: I might be.

Partly Sunny/ Partly Cloudy:  Depends on my mood. If I’m glum, you get partly cloudy. If I have a date with a model after work, the world is partly sunny.

Seven Day Forecast: I’ve been playing with my Magic Eight Ball.

Heat Advisory: It might actually snow.

Slight chance of showers: Build an ark.

 

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Pest Control

We found ants in our kitchen. We’ve tried everything to get rid of them. Finally, I set up a Facebook account for the queen ant. If social networking is going to lead to the end of our society, maybe it will take care of theirs, too. I may have gone too far. But there are no longer ants in our kitchen. I think they’re all updating their timelines.

Obviously, she is a party ant.

 

Judge My Parenting

My husband and I had lots of experience with teens before we actually had kids. I know. And we had them anyway. We are insane saints. And we swore that we will not sweat the small stuff as our kids began to assert their individuality. We were determined not to get caught up in power struggles over clothing (as long as it’s appropriate) and hairstyles.

We’ve done pretty well, I think. For an entire year, we endured being in public with a child who insisted on wearing all clothing backwards. We figured if the kid was willing to put the clothing on without assistance, it didn’t matter what direction they faced. And it made things interesting. People were never sure if he was coming or going. We went through a ruby-slipper phase that lasted through three sizes, but who doesn’t like sparklies, right? Even if they clash with her Easter dress. We braved the purple-jean-red-shirt-green-shoes phase.  And aslong as rips in jeans don’t offer a lesson in human anatomy,  it’s all good. Our kids just don’t realize how lucky they are.

We’ve hit a couple of snags along the way because we’re not perfect. We vetoed a “padawan braid.” (Sorry, son. That’s a rat-tail, and it was never cool. Ask your uncle).

Thanks for the photo, Wiki! Hmm. Maybe I should reconsider. That rat-tail is really something.

And we nixed (not nits, NIX!) the professional color-job (you come up with the $120 to have it done, and we’ll talk). But we’ve done pretty well.

And now we’re at the next round, and I am not sure how this one will end. It’s killing me. I know that when we go out in public, we’re going to get some strange looks, and probably draw critical comments from people we don’t even know.  When you see my kid, you may judge me.

GAH! Socks and sandals! IN THE SUMMER! People will think he’s not brought up right!

 

And now you have seen. Do you still love me?

 

The Latest Fitness Rage

I am so sore from yesterday’s workout that I can barely move. It was a great one. It was tough, and there were times that I wasn’t sure I’d make it, but I couldn’t stop smiling. No matter how bad the burn or how many times I got peed on. Oh, wait. Maybe I should start by explaining my workout. Yesterday, we moved the giant Aldabra tortoises from their off-exhibit winter enclosure to their summer digs. And a good time was had by all.

How do you move three large tortoises all the way across the zoo? Two answers. Very carefully, and pickup truck. They’re entirely too big for us to move them all at once. The girls and the hatchlings make the first trip.

And lift, and lift, and lift! Feel the burn! No, that's not me. I am taking the picture, silly.

The hatchlings? So glad you asked. This:

6 years ago. Time flies.

Is now this:

Yeah. Six years. Incredible, huh? 20 curls, please.

The ladies are taken to the clinic for weights and radiographs to check for egg development.

Patches REALLY doesn't want on the scale. So she peed and pooped all over the vets. I will have to try that at my next checkup. Lift, guys!

The bucket? Again?

And on to their new enclosure. Here’s where my part of the workout came in. My job was to convince these nearly 200lb tortoises to behave like ladies and not step on anyone’s toes. Not always easy. This job involved a lot of “brace yourself and hang on.” And a great deal of poop. Like hot yoga. (note: I have never participated in hot yoga, but this is how I imagine it would be.

There I am! Along with four other people and five tortoises.

Once the girls were safely deposited, it was time to move Al.

To put it into perspective, those guys are all six feet tall. Big Al lives up to his name. He likely tips the scales at 600lbs. I think I'll leave this one to the ones with the muscles.

Riding with Al was a bit of an adventure. His natural curiosity meant some squashed toes and pushing against 600lbs of “I want to see over THERE!” Feel the burn? And the bruise?

It was worth the effort! Doesn’t he look happy? I

 

Sneaky Snacking 101

The Navy Seals may carry out covert operations that overthrow evil ones, but I ate a Moon Pie in the presence of my toddler, and I didn’t get caught! Of the two, I am pretty sure my feat was more impressive. The following is a step-by-step guide for eating your treats without having to share.

 1) Choose your snack carefully. There are a few questions to ask yourself.

 How noisy is the wrapper?  -  If it’s Sun Chips you’re after, you might as well forget it. Unless your child is wearing industrial grade hearing protection, you’re going to have to wait on that snack until after they go to bed. Or leave for college. Choose a snack with a low to medium decibel level.

 Is this snack portable?  – you need a snack that can be held in one hand and will maintain is integrity in a pocket. Tiny pieces will be worn and not eaten, after all. Moon Pies are the perfect snack, in my most humble opinion.

 Is it smelly? It does you no good to go to the effort to sneak a snack if your child can smell it from two blocks away. Again, Moon Pies pass the litmus test here.

Is it unusually crunchy? Remember, your aim is for minimal noise during consumption. Need I add that Moon Pies work well here? Because they do. So I will.

They work in almost every snacking situation. For real.

2)  Distract. Send child on a particularly noisy mission, say brushing their teeth or leaf-blowing the lawn. While they are out of hearing range, quickly remove the wrapper. Speed is of the essence. Small children are psychic when it comes to forbidden treats.

 3) Choose clothing with deep, loose pockets. As soon as the wrapper comes off, you will need to slide the snack into your left pocket***, and you want it to be well-disguised. Skinny jeans are not your friend here. Although if you’re wearing skinny jeans, sneaky snacking is probably not your thing, and I cannot be your friend, either. Sorry. Those are the breaks.

4)  Location, location, location.  Get in the car. Vehicles are where I have the greatest sneaky-snacking success. Make up a reason for a trip if you have to. And walk carefully, or heaven’s sake! Getting to the car quickly is useless if your snack is but a crumble when you get there. It helps to swing the snack-side leg wide as you walk. If your child asks you about it, tell them it’s a war-wound. Or that you have to poop.

 5) Situate their carseat behind your own. If it’s not there currently, put it there! Unless your child is completely unobservant, they will see what you are doing. And there’s no need to go to these lengths if you’re planning to get busted.

6) After you have secured child in their seat, remove snack from pocket. This move will require some practice, but it is worth it. You will turn your back to your child. Remove the treat from your pocket as you turn back toward the car, using your body to shield the goody from sight. Open the car door with your right hand, get in the seat, and drop the goods between your knees. When the car is in motion, you will steer with your left hand and eat with your right.

7) Enjoy. As much as you can, knowing that your precious passenger would give you a big hug if only you’d share a tasty little bite. Fortunately, Moon Pies also come in snack size, perfect for sharing.

*** Author’s note: WordPress encourages us to be inclusive of international readers. If you drive on the left side of the road, use your right pocket.

 

Nobody’s Perfect

What can I say? We all have our limitations. I lack the ability to draw more than a stick figure with bloated hands, tortoises tend to lack depth perception and many are very far-sighted. Adaptations don’t develop unless there’s need.  I don’t need to draw well because I have other obvious talents. Like toenail painting. I’m good. I almost never get polish on my shoes anymore. And tortoises tend to live in tall grasses and have never needed to catch a baseball, so no evolutionary energy was expended in developing good binocular vision.

Tortoises can see at least some colors and can be counted on to try and taste anything that is bright yellow or orange. I choose my footwear carefully when I will be working with the giant tortoises. Combine far-sightedness with a penchant for bright colors, and you have this:

That yellow stripe looks like tasty fruit, right! Don’t judge! See the egg? This little guy may actually have fallen off the turnip truck yesterday.

For all my friends who love baby tortoise videos, a present from me to you. Enjoy!

 

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Decisions, Decisions

Should I go bother to go out and buy my third grader some new school supplies? We’re so close to the end of the year that it seems a waste. Eenie, meenie… Kids are so spoiled these days.

 

I think it can last another month, don't you?