The Savvy Consumer: I Want My Money Back

I like comfort. I like for life to be easy, and if there’s a product on the market that can make that happen for me, I am all over it. There is such thing as getting my hopes up too high, though. I recently had my heart broken.

My mother-in-law bought me these. I heart her.Watch the video. It’s amazing, even if I can’t get the sound to work. It will be the most enlightening 58 seconds of your life.

Awesome, right? All the tennis for my IJ friends. And barbeques. And sunbathing. What’s not to love?

They promised to keep me the coolest. They lied. No matter how I wear them, I can never be as cool as this:

Trying to be this cool is too lofty a goal. I give up.

Trying to be this cool is too lofty a goal. I give up.

Don’t buy these. The bar is set too high.

This Message Brought To You By Low Self Esteem

I was hoping that today would be the day I’d make a big, exciting announcement. Excited? Don’t be. I’m not quite there yet. Soon. Instead, I bring you this:

Do you have low self-esteem? Is your confidence at low ebb? Do you have trouble believing that you have the power to make your dreams come true? That used to be me. I was the 98 lb weakling getting sand kicked in my face. Okay, not entirely true. The last time I weight 98 pounds, I was in the fourth grade. Just go with it.

I have the cure. Don’t spend thousands on self-help books and seminars. Don’t waste your time with years of costly therapy. Here’s exactly what you need, and for under three bucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you (insert drum roll here):

Sold!

Don’t see it?

Because if you don't, who will?

Because if you don’t, who will?

I found this magic talisman at Target, and my whole life turned around.I now believe, friends. I believe in my smellf. I believe I can fly. *** I can do anything. Because my husband’s deodorant says I can. And you can, too.

Now get out there and change the world, or at least change your socks. There’s more than one way to help your smellf.

I believe. I believe. I believe that I’ll not tell my husband that his deodorant is laying in the yard where I knocked it off the deck. He’ll figure that out for himself soon enough.

*** This statement is merely figurative. Laws of physics still apply.

I Blame Global Warming

I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong.

Remember the billboard that drives me nuts? They took it down. In its place is this one:

Their hatred for me is strong.

I discovered yesterday that there is a shortage of pumpkins in my area, and bacon will also be at a premium this year. Did the drought wipe out the comma crop, too?

**insert sound of head beating against desk here**

You’re Killing Me!

Remember when I showed you the worst typo in the world? It hurts, doesn’t it? I know. There, there.

I thought you might want to know that I found another one, and it’s even worse. Because it appears to be intentional.

This is an actual billboard. One of many. Too many.

I’ll apologize right now for the quality of the photo. I blame my husband. It’s not actually his fault, of course, but it has been a really long time since I’ve blamed him for anything. I don’t want him to think that I have forgotten about him.

Anyway. I die inside a little every time I see this billboard. It says “Goodbye Neglect. Hello Respect.”  For the love of grammar, how much can a comma possibly cost? I’ll donate one for each sentence that is an ice pick to my eye. Oh, wait. That’s all of them.

Technically, these sentences are correct. If “Goodbye” is a verb. And if people who use cell phones talk like cave people. Seriously. Why leave the ever useful point-and-grunt behind if you can’t communicate a thought more effectively?

Sorry, Thag. No cell phone for you until you quit trying to conjugate a noun. You’re grounded like Pangea, little caveman.

My Dearest Wish

My dearest wish for the day is that when my readers visited this post, they did not see this:

It’s not a video. Don’t try to click on it.

My second wish is that it is a sponsored ad, not a targeted. I’m not sure how they made the connection between my collection of adorable baby tortoise videos and a, shall we say, very personal problem.

Or maybe they assume that anyone using Youtube is at risk for contracting an STD? All I can say is that would be quite the unfortunate computer virus. Anyone know if Norton’s anti-virus checks for public health risks?

Dear Copy Editor,Your Fired!

With apologies to my grammar-loving pals sj,Grngeekgirl, Amy, and Boggleton Drive. I know my title creates an urge to punch someone. Please don’t hurt me. I can’t look at it without screaming, either.

I came across this billboard on a road trip last week. I hurt for the copy editor. This image was everywhere around town.  I almost wrecked the car when I saw the first one. Not seeing the difference between “your” and “you’re” in a first draft is not a big deal. Not catching it before it goes to print is just painful. For everyone.

It HURTS! Make it stop!

Lost in Translation, Advertising Edition

This one isn't mine. Mine got thrown away. I am sad.

I know that many people get confused by advertising, and I am here to help. The one we will unpack together today is an ad for Old Spice After Hours. I had a can of my own. Okay, it was my husband’s, but he used it all. I found it in the trash and made it mine. All mine. But he found it and threw it away again. And I got it back out of the trash. He found it again. I know. Threw it away. Why can’t I have nice things?  Now it is gone, and I am crushed. No longer do I have Exhibit One in my Museum of Stupid Advertising.

Buy another one, you say? Not possible. Old Spice has since changed the copy on the bottle. And I never got a chance to photograph its very stupidity. Enter the power of the internet. A quick search has uncovered the very words I seek, and now I share them with you.

The purpose of this particular Old Spice scent is to make sure you don’t come home alone. Meets US Clean Air Standards. Contains no CFC’s which deplete the ozone layer.

For real. And I am here to explicate its secrets for you like a poem.  I was not an English major, by the way. My degree is in psych, which makes me immune to the power of the printed ad and allows me to shine a light on them for you. Let’s take it line by line, shall we?

The purpose of this particular Old Spice scent”  – this ad was written by an intern who is using it as part of a research paper, the only place in the entire world where it is acceptable for a purpose statement to be so lame. Also implies that other scents have a different purpose, such as scaring away dogs. Or anyone remotely attractive.

“is to make sure you don’t come home alone.” Your old lady will be able to locate you in a dark and smoky bar by your stench alone.

Meets US Clean Air Standards.” But has been banned in 15 other countries. You know, the ones that actually care about the environment.

Contains no CFC’s which deplete the ozone layer.” No ozone layers will be harmed in the use of this product. Your self-esteem, however, will take a pounding when you do, in fact, come home alone. Invest more into cultivating a personality instead of buying questionable grooming products.  You might fare a little better.

It is sad, of course, that my Museum of Stupid Advertising lost its only exhibit. But I’m not worried. Old Spice has about 20 other products in their line to choose from. It’s only a matter of time until they produce another gem like this. Until then, my friends. Don’t be swayed. A little soap and water will take you just as far with the ladies.