If Wishes Were Horses, They’d Poop On Your Floor.

I wasn’t going to blog today. Or tomorrow. Or maybe even the next day. But here I am. I don’t usually follow the Daily Prompt, either, primarily due to the recessive you’re-not-the-boss-of-me gene. But here I am. Today’s prompt asked if there was a gift I wanted as a child but never received. You know this story doesn’t end well.

Don’t ask me where I saw it. I don’t know. I was seven. At that age, I perceived that everything in the world came from Woolworth’s, Saturday morning commercials or Tupperware parties (is my 70′s showing? Let me tuck it back in…). But saw it I did, and I wanted it; coveted it secretly. Well, maybe secretly is the wrong word considering I told Santa, my mom, and pulling out all the stops, my grandmother. And maybe Jesus. I forget. Anyway, I asked for it. And asked for it. And what did I get for my troubles? Matching “What the heck are you talking about?” expressions. Because, indeed, they had no idea.

It wasn’t a Barbie for whom I burned with longing. Puh-leeze. My one concession to that franchise was a Malibu Ken, who had a scandalous tan when I took off his swim trunks. And no Strawberry Shortcake for me. Well, not until the following year. Nor did the delicious saltiness of Play Doh hold appeal (have I said too much?). The only thing on my Christmas wish list that year was a sandwich.

It was a thing of beauty this sandwich, the very height of cleverness, for you see, it wasn’t a real sandwich! It was a set of bath sponges made to look like one! I’ll let that sink in for a moment. A sandwich whose bread was a sponge! And whose cheese was a sponge! And whose pastrami…wait for it…was a sponge! What magic was this? And I haven’t even mentioned the best part. This sandwich was merely a stack of adorable absorbency without its crowning glory; a pickle! Made out of soap! A sweet little soapy gherkin just ripe for the scrubbing. It was a thing of beauty, so realistic I could have eaten it. And I wanted it. Badly.

All through the long weeks leading up to Christmas, I begged asked for this bath set. From anyone who would listen. To my mom’s credit ,I’m sure she wanted to encourage my sudden and new found interest in bathing and probably did ask me for details.

“Did you see it at Woolworth’s?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it on TV?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it at a department store?”

“Maybe. Yes! I think so!”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know.

I should have known it was a lost cause, but I didn’t. I hoped. And wished. Christmas morning came, and I did get a sponge. It was in the shape of a large key and came with bubble bath. I tried to find an image online to show you, but all I come up with is information regarding bubble bath and urinary tract infections. Once again, I am disappointed by bath sponges.

So there you have it. My heart was broken by a bath sponge and a soapy little pickle all those Christmases ago. I have never seen that set again, and my heart has never recovered.

Merry Christmas and stuff.

What did you wish for but never got? Just me, then?

 

My Daily Joy

Guess what? We’re now only 12 days from Christmas! Know how I know? Because it’s my birthday today. When I was a kid, I used to pretend that the Twelve Days of Christmas was written just for me. I have yet to receive a partridge. I did get a leopard gecko once, but it wasn’t in a pear tree.

Anyway, we’re in the home stretch now. Christmas is coming. The countdown has begun. Lords will soon be leaping and all that good stuff. Each day between now and Christmas, I am going to share a little joy. There’s always at least one thing to be joyful over, even on a bad day. It may be the whole topic of my post, or I may tack it on at the end, but it will be there.

My daily joy for today: I came into my classroom and found birthday presents on my desk. Since they were completely unexpected, they were all the more wonderful! And the school administrative assistant cool chick wished me a happy birthday over the intercom. Does it get any better than this? AND Peter Jackson chose today to release The Hobbit, obviously in honor of my special day. AND I don’t have to cook dinner tonight because we are buying pizza. AND my especialist friend sj wrote a birthday post for me that contained two of my favorite songs by two of my favorite musical groups ever.

Wait. That’s a lot of joy. Is it too much? I don’t think so.

What’s your joy for today?

 

 

My Saddest News

My coffee pot is dying. Well, maybe it’s not technically dying, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill it, which will have the same end result. I have diagnosed the issue, but I don’t think it can be fixed. How do you treat a coffee maker for PMS? I’m fairly certain that’s what’s wrong with it because it seems to be retaining water, and it punched the toaster oven for saying the new filters make it look fat.

I’ve never had this happen before, and we’ve been through a lot of coffee pots. I put in 3 scoops of coffee and 5 cups of water, which should result in a nice, strong, wake-me-up pot of coffee. What I get is 6 cups of weak, watery mess that couldn’t jump start a Matchbox car. Where is the extra water coming from?

My theory is that it isn’t pushing all the water through every time, and sometimes it pees out the extra. The question is how to fix it. I doubt that we can.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s Christmas, right? We could go to the coffee maker store and buy ourselves a nice, beautiful, new coffee pot as a gift to one another. Sounds simple, no? No. It’s going to take awhile before my sweet husband will be able to let go. Right now, we’re navigating the five stages of grief.

Denial – There’s nothing wrong with the coffee pot. We’re simply putting in more water than we think we are. Never mind that I have used the same measuring device twice a day for two years.

Anger- I think the anger is directed more at me than the fates for even suggesting that the Krups may be on its last legs. And my anger is aimed at husband for being so attached to this particular stupid coffee maker. I don’t care about the Krups, just gimme the joe. Even if you have to filter it through a sock.

Bargaining- This is where we’re currently setting up camp. “If we just add a little more coffee to the brew, it will be okay!” Let’s just forget for a moment that I am already adding 20% more coffee than is recommended. And that it costs $15 a pound.

Depression- I think we can rename this one “sleepiness,” and it’s coming soon. When we’re used to about a billion micro-grams of caffeine a day and we’ve been reduced to drinking dishwater, the nap-attacks are just around the corner.

Acceptance- I wish I could say that with this stage would come a visit to a department store to purchase a new pot. Instead, we’ll start the thrift store prowl in the hopes of finding a better coffee pot than we could ever afford to purchase new.

Edward is sad!

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Wake me in about a month.

 

Christmas Spirit; It’s Free

Christmas can be a tough time of year. I know this from experience. It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the demands on our time, bank accounts, sanity. For many years, I have struggled to hold onto any kind of genuine Christmas spirit, and then I beat myself up for not feeling the way I should feel. So helpful. I am learning that it doesn’t have to be this way. The joy of Christmas is free.

Here’s what’s working for me:

1) Let someone in line in front of you. Be it at the grocery store, or merging in traffic. Wave someone in and let them take your spot. Do it graciously. With a smile. It’s a little thing, but it’ll make you feel great, and it’s free.

2) Withhold judgment. That toddler who is face down on the ground screaming his head off? Instead of thinking “Ack! What a brat!” think instead that maybe the poor kid has just been dragged to 15 stores and is over this whole Christmas shopping deal. Or perhaps they are developing an ear infection and Mom is killing time in the toy aisle while their prescription is filled. Grace is free.

3) Take a little kid to a Christmas parade. If you don’t have one, borrow one. There’s magic in seeing the season through the eyes of a child.

I see Santa! And I just ate a doughnut.

 

4) Do some cleaning. It doesn’t have to be a big project. Tackle a drawer, a cabinet, even a closet if you’re brave. Find five things to donate to a charity (did you know animal shelters would LOVE your old towels?). Not only does it feel great to straighten things up a bit, it’s sometimes helpful to realize how much we already have. Straightening my family room and seeing the embarrassment of riches reaffirmed our decision to limit what the kids are getting this year.

5) Simplify. The calendar, the gift list. Trim what isn’t necessary. I bow out of any evening meetings that pop up   toward the end of the month, and we only agree to the activities that will add to the feeling of joy. The gift list is at a minimum, partly because we’re on a budget, but mostly because running around like chickens with our heads cut off to complete a gift list detracts from the meaning of the season.

5) Pour a cup of hot chocolate and watch a Christmas movie. And any good movie will do, as long as it says Christmas to you. I recommend The Nativity Story, which is a beautiful interpretation of the Christmas story. Amadeus is on my Christmas movie list, too, because it always played on television at Christmas time. Whether it’s a Griswald Christmas something Dickens-ish, many libraries offer movies as free loans. Check out their selection.

6) Share your memories. I love to talk about favorite Christmas memories. Bringing back the magic of my childhood warms my heart. Find someone to share your stories with, and listen to theirs. In fact, what I want most for Christmas is for my friends and loved ones to write out their favorite memories for me.

7) Listen to Christmas music. NOT these songs, unless that’s what does it for you. I say go for the good stuff. A little Tchaikovsky, some Handel, stuff without lyrics that get stuck in your head. Again, these are often a free loan from the library.

8) Put some money in the bucket. Okay, this one isn’t free, but it doesn’t have to cost a lot. I keep a pocket full of change to drop in the Salvation Army buckets. Our tradition is to drop change into every bucket we pass. We don’t have a ton of money to spare, but it’s a constant reminder that we are already so blessed; having a little something to give is just a bonus. And it’s a good opportunity to teach the kids about giving.

9) If you don’t feel it today, try again tomorrow. That’s the thing about depression. It is a sneaky-snake of a voice that tells us we’re never going to get it right. And it’s a lie. If today was not a great day, get up tomorrow and try it again. My commitment to myself this season is to not let yesterday’s mistakes spill over into today. It’s a new day, friends. And it can be glorious!

 

How do you add joy to a holiday season?

 

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: How I Make My Christmas List

Do you have any idea how much stuff there is in the world? It can be confusing to make a holiday wish list. I keep things simple. My list usually includes:

A favorite book:

I’ve had this copy for longer than I’ve had my husband.

Aww! Don’t judge a book’s condition by its cover. Well, maybe this cover…

Sad spine. Pages barely hanging on. I do hate that Johnny chose to get drunk on this page. There are children following my blog. Or maybe I dreamed that last part.

Something sad:

This towel was a wedding gift. 17 years ago. That’s not a stain, I swear. It’s a diamond. Not only is it faded and ragged, it has *ahem* apparently shrunk in the wash.

Something I have set on fire:

Not only did I set it on fire, it got washed in hot water and is now an oven mitten.

Something I miss:

Sad story here. Not only do I not have this on DVD like I thought I did, I no longer have the video, either. Apparently, I gave it away because, hey, I had the DVD. Did that make you sad? It makes me sad.

What’s on your list this year?

 

Worst Christmas Songs Ever Written

Reblogged from Becoming Cliche:

Everybody has a list. Here's mine, in no particular order.

Christmas Shoes - This has to be the sappiest song ever written. And it makes no sense. A kid's mom is terminally ill, so his dad lets him wander away from the hospital with maybe thirty-five cents in his pocket (okay, I made that number up. But it's based on research with an actual child.

Read more… 633 more words

I am sick today, so you get a reblog. It's the time of year when all the radio stations and shipping malls are regaling you with Christmas tunes, anyway, so I'm not that early. Heck, Hallmark has their ornament premiere in July, so I might even be a little late. Anyway, enjoy.

 

Achieving Peace and Harmony

My sister-in-law is fantastic. She’s funny and smart, and she gives the most wonderful gifts. Her choices are thoughtful and carefully considered, always appreciated. She tries to find the perfect gift for each person.

Best present EVER! I love it! It's mine, right? I don't have to share it? Because I love it, and it's MINE! Hands off!

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Unfortunately, we’re at the phase where all gifts simply must be identical, and I don’t have the heart to tell her. She bought something truly awesome this time around, and my life is no longer worth living. Every single day, it’s the same routine:

“It’s MINE!”

“No, it’s mine! “

“It is not! Kris got it for ME!”

“Well, I’m just using it! I’m not going to hurt it! You’re supposed to share!”

“You never share with me!”

“You like the other one, anyway.”

“I do NOT! I want THAT one! It’s MINE!”

And on, and on, and on, and on.  Every single day. I am at my wit’s end. If this pattern continues, I will have to take matters into my own hands and buy my husband his own Contigo coffee cup so he will leave mine alone. It. Is. MINE.

It is dark, sleek, easy to hold, and you have to push its buttons to get anything out of it. I call it The Jacob.

Edward is a little jealous.

I will quit naming things after Twilight characters when people quit rolling their eyes when I do. Don’t reinforce irritating behavior. I am incorrigible. Don’t incorrige me.

 

Beat Those Post-Holiday Blues

There is no fun left in my life.

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Today is Epiphany. Three Kings Day. El Dia de los Reyes. The Wise Men have found baby Jesus and have presented them with their gifts. It’s all over for another year. It is common to feel a bit of a let-down after the anticipation of the holidays has passed, and that’s where I come in. Here are some ways to keep the spirit alive all year long.

 

1) Don’t think of it as laundry. Think of it as gift wrap for your body. Now isn’t it more fun to fold your undershorts, er,  I mean garland?

2) Your letter carrier is Santa Claus, delivering surprises the whole year through. Got a new seed catalog? You’ve been GOOD! Yay! Visa bill? You’ve been bad. See how fun this is?

3) Speaking of Visa bills, what better way to keep the Christmas spirit alive than by paying for that XBox all year long! It becomes the gift that keeps on giving. Or taking, really, at 15.3% APR, but who’s counting?

4) Think of dust as snow in your living room. We have just had a blizzard. I’m sipping my hot chocolate and watching the kids make dust angels in the floor.

5) You’re not grocery shopping. You’re buying gifts for your entire family. Gifts that will keep them from starving, and not-starving is the best gift of all!

6) Who says ugly sweaters are just for Christmas-time? It’s still cold outside, right? Pull out that monstrosity and wear it to the office. Who knows? You may just start a trend!

7) Need those kids to behave? Elf on a Shelf losing his effectiveness? Up the ante. Buy an original Weeping Santa. When the kids ask why Santa is crying, tell them that he wouldn’t if they were only a little better behaved. If you really want to get their attention, choose one with a weeping puppy. The kids will appreciate your commitment to raising them well.

Happy Holidays all year round, friends!

 

 

My Christmas Post

It’s a stupid poem. Bear with me. It’s not long. I don’t have the patience.

It’s two days before Christmas, and I’m sipping eggnog

And penning this holiday post for my blog.

Okay, I confess, that first part is not true.

The thought of eggnog makes this chick want to spew.

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The kids are up early and sharing their joys

Which really translates to a whole lot of noise.

I struggle to write this. I’m drawing a blank.

But I do have a list of great bloggers to thank.

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If you’re wishing to give a great novel this year,

There’s a sweet gifting guide if you check over here.

If a giggle’s required to lighten your mood,

Read this post ’bout a girl who’s really a dude!

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If some sneaky kid is eating your tree,

Then this is the post that you simply must see.

And when you’re all comfy and don’t want to move

Perhaps your sweet someone will do this for you.

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Another sweet post spreading holiday cheer

And good news that we don’t have to shop for next year.

Here’s one to read if you’ve childhood scars,

And this if your holiday wrapping’s sub par.

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I know there are more great blogs that I read,

But I can’t list them all, for this poor blogger needs

To get out of the house and do something soon

Or I’ll be launching this whole lot of kids to the moon.

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Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

May the new year bring us all something to write.

And if spending your cash leaves you feeling quite hollow,

Remember, the best gift for a blogger’s a “follow.”

So cute. And loud. And restless.

 

Making A List

Is this elf naughty or nice? The jury is still out.

This year’s naughty list:

1) The gigantic grocery store that had four check out lanes open four days before Christmas. That manager is not getting coal. He/she will be forced to work as a cashier at Wal-Mart for all eternity. Santa’s not playing around, here.

2) The genius who placed the Christmas cookie display in the middle of the already narrow aisle so that two shopping carts can no longer pass one another. Every shopper needs a little more frustration at this time of year. I’m not buying your cookies.

3) The sanitation engineers who see fit to leave my bin in the middle of my driveway, forcing me to stop in the middle of the road to move it before I can park.  In the rain. Every single week. No Christmas cookies for you. Partly because you’ve been naughty, and partly because I couldn’t fit down the cookie aisle.

4) The dude who cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Sure, you got a better parking place, but I’m not sure why you think you’re all that. You’re still shopping at Wal-mart with the rest of us. No further punishment necessary.

5) People who text and drive. In the passing lane. Going 20 miles below the speed limit. May your phone bill be more than your house payment. Sorry . I know that was harsh.

6) People who see a flake of snow and instantly forget how to drive.  Santa is bringing you a mule and buggy this year. Good luck getting it started on a cold morning.

7) The chick who was walking texting in front of me. In the crosswalk. In heavy traffic. Santa is bringing you an open manhole.

8 ) Any and every mammalian in the house who insists they need to be with me at three in the morning. What is the matter with you creatures/kids? Santa’s replacing this ray-of-sunshine with a total grouch who will make you clean your rooms. You brought it on yourselves.

9) Gmail for continuing to ignore feedback on a crummy product and secretly switching me to the “new look.” I will be referring every technophobe over the age of 60 to your service. And providing each of them a link to your help center. You’ll be so busy helping these folks figure out how to delete their discounted Viagra offers that you won’t have time to screw anything else up. ***

10 ) Facebook for its sponsored ads. I know my friend Jenny loves her dachshund like a person, but suddenly I don’t see her posting pics of “Weenie Vieenie’s” latest sweater in my ticker.   Every single day, my ticker tells me that she “likes” an insurance company.  Either it’s a sponsored ad, or Jenny has been abducted by insurance-selling aliens. I thought Facebook was supposed to bring the world closer together, but I just don’t know who Jenny is anymore. Should I call her? Wait. I don’t actually know her. But she waters my crops. But I do miss pics of that little weenie dog. He’s so cute in those sweaters!

The Nice List:

1)  Donna at Target who saw me struggling with an armload of stuff and found a shopping cart for me. And located the tiny little Christmas tree that my daughter wanted, even though the other employees told her they were all gone. And for smiling and making me feel like she really was glad to help me.

2)  The anonymous folks who are paying off lay-aways and dropping gold coins into Salvation Army buckets. Thank you for helping others and for restoring my faith in mankind.

3) Folks who post blogs with awesome Christmas flash mobs.

4) The makers of Legos. I now know what to buy my son until the end of time.

5) The dog who greets me with an enthusiastic thump of her tail every morning, even if she is too lazy to actually get up off the couch to do it.

6) The nice lady at the DMV who didn’t take my picture for my license when I accidentally showed up in my pajamas. Yes, it can happen.

7) My teen daughter. Beautiful girl, if the biggest things I have to scold you about are washing your lunch containers and refilling the ice trays, I am the luckiest mom in the world. You’re doing just fine.

8 ) The husband who stepped out of his comfort-zone to buy the birthday gift he knew I really wanted. A month ahead of time.

9) The nine year old boy who volunteered to sit with his brother and watch “Ratatouille” until their dad got home so I could hide in my bed and try to get rid of my headache.

10 ) The little guy who crawled in my bed this morning with his cold feet and said “Mommy, I want to be old like you. Will I get candy?” Yes, pumpkin. All the candy you can hold.