Bad connection

Call me crazy, but I have no use for cell phones at all. If something is going to demand my attention every 4.2 seconds and required astronomical sums of money to maintain, it better be really cute and have the ability to eventually land a job and take care of me in my old age.

I was talking to my sister on her land-line the other day, and in the background I could hear her cellphone shrilly announce the arrival of yet another text message with the same frequency as I had to excuse myself to rescue Mr. Squish from his next attempt at playing Superman off the back of the couch. But at least I’ll get a macaroni necklace out of him on Mother’s Day. What has my sister’s cell phone done for HER lately? Besides give her a crick in the neck and a whopping bill.

Some of my friends have attempted to convince me that a cell phone is a vital tool in an emergency. I have yet to be convinced. If I am kidnapped, chances are good that the criminal will remove any communication devices before stuffing me in their trunk. If my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, there’s a pretty high likelihood that there’s no reception, ANYWAY. And even if a signal was available, how are you going to tell a rescuer where you ARE? GPS, you say? Pardon me while I giggle. You can’t find my HOUSE with a GPS and a really good idea where you’re going, I live in a fairly good-sized city. Technology has its limitations.

Face it. Cellphones are really just security blankets for grownups, like nothing bad can ever touch you if you have your phone. Personally, I’ll take the blanket. They are at least soft and warm, and they make a dandy cape when you leap off the back of the couch.

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