It’s Good Work If You Can Get It

I am the queen of creative employment. I’ve have managed to turn some pretty unique hobbies into (legal and moral) employment opportunities. And now I’ve got hit the big one. I’ve discovered my calling in answering nature’s call. That’s right. I’m going to be a restroom critique.

Don’t laugh. It’s a worthy and under appreciated profession. Google the words “restroom critic,” and you’ll come up with nothing. Well, not nothing. It’s Google, after all. If you’re looking for critique of some fantasy football (yeah, THAT’S useful), you’re all set. But if you’re looking for someone to tell you if your business’ sandbox is,shall we say, up to scratch, you’re out of luck. Until now.

If you want your establishment to be voted #1 for #2, here’s what I’m looking for:

Size: When it comes to public restrooms, size does matter. I don’t want one of those one-stall wonders. Privacy is great and all, but a line for the ladies room can grow faster than bacteria on a toilet seat, meaning you’ve got to get your job done fast or risk ticking off a bunch of people. I don’t need that kind of pressure. I prefer at least five stalls. Ten is an even better number. Anything to increase the odds that there is someone slower than I am.

Toilet paper: Have enough to get the paperwork done. Invest in those fancy dispensers that contain more than one roll if you don’t get the chance to do a potty check often. I don’t like to do my business and then be left high and dry. Or not so dry, as the case may be. And forget the dispensers that stack the rolls one on top of the other. They have a serious design flaw. Even if you provide the good paper (and big, fat bonus points if you do), the weight of the top roll impedes the spin of the bottom roll, allowing it to dispense your paper one square at a time. One single, solitary square at a time. Are you getting me here?

No air toilets: I am all about being environmentally friendly, but air toilets are loud enough to make any toilet trainee swear off indoor plumbing for life.

Auto-flush: You gain big points if I don’t have to touch anything with my hands when my work is done. You will lose points if it refuses to flush until I am out the stall door. My business is my business, after all. Nor do I want it to flush as I enter the stall as if in greeting. I cannot do what I am about to do if the toilet is making small-talk.

Paper towels: Again, I try to be environmentally friendly, but there is nothing like a good paper towel with which to wipe my hands. And if I realize that my kid has a big booger hanging out of his face as we are washing hands, I don’t have to dash into a stall ahead of someone to get a paper product with which to remove it. Cutting lines in the ladies room can get you killed. And I have yet to meet an electric dryer that actually gets the job done. It’s why I have taken to wearing patterned skirts.

Cleanliness: It should go without saying, which is why I’m saying it. Please check your facility often enough that it stays sanitary. An occasional spritz of strawberry air freshener doesn’t cut it.

Proper Layout: If sinks are between the hand-drying opportunities and the door, you’re going to have a traffic flow problem. Proper flow should be your aim in a restroom. And everyone’s aim should be proper.

No urinals: It’s a ladies room, you know. Urinals are a bit awkward for gals to use.

I think that sums it up for now. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the movies and ordering the biggest soda I can find. It’s time for some market research.

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3 thoughts on “It’s Good Work If You Can Get It

  1. Sounds like a great career (but kind of a nasty place to work everyday) — perhaps you can consult with restroom proprietors via satellite, and advise at a distance? I’m a bit alarmed at the supersonic air dryers that seem to be popping up a lot in our area. You know, the kind that makes the skin on the back of your hand ripple? Scary.

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