1) Memorial decals on cars. I see these everywhere. “In Memory of Mamma/Daddy/Grandpa,” and usually accompanied by their birth and death dates. One reason that I am bothered by these decals is because they are a traffic hazard. When people pull up behind you and see your sticker, they can’t help see the arrival and departure dates displayed therein. You think driving and texting is bad? Try driving and trying to solve a mathematical equation to determine if the person in front of you is a poor orphan who lost their mamma way too young. It’s a recipe for disaster. Math and driving just don’t mix.
Another issue I have. Does Mamma know that you’ve dedicated something to her that is going down in value like a rock? And did you buy that 1987 Chevy Astro in Mamma’s memory? Seeing as how she only died last year, it makes me wonder about your relationship with your mom.
I promised my husband a lifetime of haunting and spiders in his cereal if he ever thinks of dedicating a car to me when I turn up my toes. If you must make a memorial, do as he has agreed to do if I go first. Cremate the dearly departed and have the ashes made into a diamond. Then wear it as a piercing in some place tender. Because love is classy like that.
2) Truck Nuts. Seriously. I had to look these bad boys up on the internet to make sure I was referring to them by their proper nomenclature, and did I come up with a bunch of entries! One of them claimed to sell the leading balls on the internet. I afraid to ask how they came to that conclusion, but I am definitely not here to dispute it. I bet their mamma would be very proud, may she rest in peace. But the danglies are everywhere. There’s even an entry about them on wikipedia. I can’t decide if that little discovery makes me more alarmed or sad. Anyhoo. I find these appendages frankly appalling. It’s not an issue of free speech. It’s about responsibility. Please neuter your truck. Eliminate the possibility that it could spawn a litter of Ford Escorts. You wouldn’t want that on your conscience, would you? Bob Barker would thank you. ***
3) Line cutters. You know the ones. You approach a long line of merging traffic, and they’re the folks who zoom into the next lane and attempt to merge at the last second because they don’t want to have to waste their precious time waiting in line (no anger or bitterness here). We all hate them. That’s just it. If we all hate “them,” then “they” can’t be any of us, right? So who are “they? Humanoids in SUVs? Complete figments of our collective imaginations? I have no answer.
That’s it for this week’s ponderings. What automotive mysteries keep you awake at night?
*** Little known fact: none of the cars ever won by contestants on “Price is Right” went home before it was neutered.