I often find myself surprised at what I say to my kids. And equally shocked that a situation requires such statements would pop up in the first place. Oh, the things they don’t tell us before we have kids! But would we believe it if they did? For example, I would never anticipated the frequency with which I must remind someone to put their pants back on. Taken out of context, about half of what I say could land us on Dr. Phil.
1) No, you may not have any carrots until you finish that cookie.
2) Hey, guys, whose poop is that?
3) We don’t lick the car bumper.
4) Don’t pee on the dog!
5) I’m sorry. You may not wear your underwear on your head today. We’re going to church.
6) You took those blankets out, now get in the cabinet. (a little disclaimer here.We store blankets in a cabinet. He likes to drag them out and play in there.)
7) That’s your booger. If you didn’t have a place to put it, you should have left it where it was.
and the follow-up
8 ) Don’t wipe your boogers on the dog.
9) Thank you, but I don’t want a bunny cracker up my nose.
10) Hands in your own pants, please.
11) (said to teacher) I’m sorry that my child told the class that her favorite animal is a wild ass. No, she wasn’t being funny.
12) Only one person in the dog’s crate at a time.
13) We don’t tell our teacher that the glitter baton looks like it’s full of sperm. I know you meant milt, but she did not. And by the way, no more Blue Planet for you.
14) Son, can you take off my bra? (second disclaimer. It’s not as bad as it sounds. He was the one wearing it.)
And the worst. The one I swore I would never say to any child, ever.
Because I SAID so.
Am I the only one? What have you said to your kid/spouse/canary that totally took you by surprise?