Lost in Translation

Tiny snowman. Tiny, tiny snowman

What I say: Are you going running right now?

What husband hears: Seriously? You’re going for a run  right now? NOW? I thought you loved me. Why are you abandoning me? You are ruining my life and all of the plans I had for us.

What I meant: I want to know if I can put the baby down for a nap.

*     *     *

What he says: Are you going to make more apple butter from these apples?

What I hear: I spent twenty bucks on those apples and those stupid jars. You better not be letting them go to waste.

What he may have actually meant: Is it okay if I eat one?

*    *     *

What he says: Is that what you’re wearing tonight?

What I hear: You look like you are dressed for Clown Academy.

What he may actually have meant: Should I dress up a little more, too, or are jeans okay?

*     *     *

What he says: I can tell you’re losing a lot of weight.

What I hear: I am less afraid that I will smother in my sleep under your flab.

What he may actually have meant: I’m proud of the effort you’ve put in.

*     *     *

What he says:  I know you like to have some quiet time before the kids get up. It’s 6:15.

What I hear: I accidentally turned off the alarm instead of hitting snooze. Get up and make me some coffee, woman. I’m going back to sleep. Wake me in 20 minutes.

Another variation: Go do your stupid blog before the kids get up so I don’t have to listen to you whine about not being able to get it finished.

What he may actually have meant: I know you like to have quiet time before the kids get up.

*     *     *

What I say: Keep your hands off your brother/sister.

What they hear: Poking him/her with a chopstick is fine.

It doesn’t matter what I meant.

*     *     *

What Squish says: I gotta go potty.

What I hear: Mommy, I have finally conquered my ambivalence toward using the toilet consistently. Your new life is about to begin.

What he actually means: I want out of the Ergo so I can run around Target.

*      *     *

What Squish says: I not gotta potty. I fine.

What I hear: I am about to pee down your back.

What he actually means: I am about to pee down your back, but I’m not finished looking at toys.

*     *     *

What Squish says: Go away.

What I hear:  I don’t love you anymore.

What he actually means: I am about to sin would prefer to have no witnesses.

*     *     *

What I say: You need to get dressed before you go outside.

What he hears: A bra and some underwear should suffice.

All dressed.

What I say: Good dog, Phoebe.

What she hears: Way to go! You just raised the bar for canines everywhere. Now you need never listen to me again.

*     *     *

What I say: Can you keep an eye out for Squish for the next hour or so? I need to work on my blog.

What husband hears: Leave me alone. I just got on Pottermore.

What I actually meant: Okay, sometimes he gets it right.

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19 thoughts on “Lost in Translation

  1. Heeheehee! These gave me this giggles. We have the similar translation problems, or so I often suspect… I tend to include long explanations of my thought process if I fear translation issues:
    “You probably thought I meant X or Y, but I assure you I simply meant Z. If I did mean X that would be mean. How could you think that? Do you really think I’m that mean? Blah blah blah… And Y, honestly, give yourself more credit. Blah blah blah.. You are fantastic! I’m sorry if you thought that. Blah blah blah… Are we on the same page?” To which my husband usually responds, “Um… I just thought you meant Z. No worries.” Then he smiles at me with an easily translatable “you’re nuts but I’ll keep you” grin.

  2. Oh My gosh I could totally add to that list but I’m currently having a brain fart. The kid is out of school today and the cat just walked across my keyboard to jump onto two dogs who would like to smell her butt please.

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