What We Really Need

Yesterday, I complained about Facebook’s new feed. I hate it and have since it was first unveiled for me. The top stories business has driven me insane. If I was willing to read what someone else thought was important, I’d have actually read Bartleby the Scrivener when it was assigned in high school. But I would prefer not to.

I am magic. Today I suddenly have the ability to sort my feed the way I want to. I can opt to have posts appear in order rather than by what Facebook thinks should be important to me. How exciting! A new feature to make things look like the old Facebook. I am sure they only messed with the feeds at all because the developers are too young to remember that fiasco known as New Coke. Too bad. Could have saved some time and money.

In an attempt to keep Facebook from making another mistake and annoying their users, I thought I would post a list of features that would actually be useful. And since I have the ear of Zuckerberg…Zuckerman? No, Zuckerman had the famous pig. Zuckerberg is leading us all to the slaughter enlightenment. Anyway, since he obviously listens to me, I’ll just go ahead and say “You’re welcome.” Soon you may have these shiny new features:

Age Progression/Face Recognition Software: Lost touch with someone you used to hang out with? In preschool? Don’t know their last name? Or any name because they never actually spoke to you in this lifetime, but your eyes met across a crowded playground and they may be your soul mate? Not a problem. New technology would take an uploaded photo and age it for you, giving you an idea of what they may look like now and then match it to the bazillions of photos posted on Facebook. Don’t have a photo? No worries. Scan in that drawing you did in art class. Face Recognition Book will find them.

The 2.0 version will allow you to indicate said person’s likes and dislikes in an effort to make aging more accurate. Loved animals? Software will focus on pictures of people holding dogs in costumes. Liked eating paste? That stuff has a ton of carbs. Software will add 20 pounds. Enjoyed programming their Commodore Vic 20? Sorry. Those folks are most likely too smart to be on Facebook in the first place.

Elizabeth with the beautiful hair in my kindergarten class, I will find you. And see if you got fat and shaved your head. Drawing from wikimedia. I can't draw that well.

Potty-Mouth Censor: Personally, I don’t enjoy seeing posts with a lot of swearing in my news feed. A word or two here or there I can handle, but a stream of profanity is rather boring. With the new potty-mouth censor, there is no longer a need to hide offensive posts. When someone’s status update consists of a paragraph of naughty words, hands will simply reach through the screen and wash their mouths out with soap. And call their mom.

Cautionary Tale Feed: Kids are on Facebook in ever greater numbers these days. Parents are growing more and more concerned with what their children may stumble across. Rather that installing filters, which can be easily bypassed by even a second-grader, why not subscribe your kids to the Cautionary Tale feed? This little gem will sort all the millions of photos of drunk  or otherwise impaired individuals that have been uploaded and post to your child’s feed those that most graphically demonstrate just how stupid drinking can make you.

Dress a Dweeb Technology: Tired of those half-naked photos of your friends appearing in your feed? Dress-a-Dweeb will take care of that for you. When someone is stupid enough to post a pic with their worldly goods hanging out, a file will automatically open offering a selection of outfits with which you may then cover them. For kicks and giggles, hit “post”. They say that living well is the best revenge. That’s wrong. The best revenge is posting pics of your pal wearing a kilt and an “I’m With Stupid” sweatshirt.

Frenemy feed:  The Frenemy feed will post to your feed any picture that makes them look fat, and any status update that makes them look shallow and stupid, allowing you to feel much better about the fact that they just landed a job making six figures while you’re still a struggling sandwich artist.

Again, you’re welcome. And now back to NaNoWriMo. 6000 words and counting.


9 thoughts on “What We Really Need

  1. 6000 words!! I need to catch up! GO YOU!

    I am so excited about the Dress a Dweeb Tech especially! May I suggest a technology too? Pollyanna Perspective- I have FB friends with primarily negative status updates. It is a bit disheartening. I think we need some tech that turns that frown upside down.

  2. Funny! And the folk who enjoyed programming their Commodore Vic 20 INVENTED the Facebook. They’re the pusher who has us all feigning for little red notification bubbles.

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