I Have A Plan, and I’m Not Afraid To Use It.

I could collect another 14 of these. And dress them in little hats. And sing them songs.

My birthday is coming up soon. Less than a month. And it’s a big one. I won’t tell you which one it is because I don’t want to scare off my young hipster readers with my impending geezerdom, but let it suffice to say that it ends with a zero. And begins with a four. A big one. And with great age comes great responsibility. I know the midlife crisis is going to hit at some point in the not-so-distant future. Being a planner, I do not want let this to sneak up on me unprepared. Face it. If I don’t sort out my options before I begin to question whether or not anything I have done thus far in my life has any meaning at all, I could find myself moving to Florida and breeding lizards. As I have already bred lizards, and Florida has too many roaches, here are the choices I see thus far:

1) Boy Toys. No. I’m not talking about cougaring over at the local community college. I have a good guy already. I don’t think I have the energy to retrain another one. (Don’t worry. We established this weekend that he doesn’t actually read my blog. So you can laugh without feeling guilty. He’ll never know.) No, I am talking about actual toys. For my midlife crisis, I could go mad on Ebay and spend my life-savings on Harry Potter action figures. A friend as a life-sized Dobby that I covet. And I could spend my days knitting tea cozys for him to wear on his head. I have not ruled this one out yet.

2) Spiffy New Car. Mmm. New car smell. But Dave Ramsey, the awesome dude from whom we take financial advice, points out that new cars go down in value like a rock, so they are a terrible investment.

3) Classic Sports Car Something sleek that makes me look cool. Except that there is almost no leg-room in the back seat, no airbags at all, and can you imagine fitting a car seat in a Corvette Stingray?

4) Take Up Skydiving/Bungee Jumping Nothing says “My life has no meaning” like risking sudden death. Or at the very least soiling oneself in front of your instructor. But I’m afraid of heights. And I’m afraid the ankle cuffs might chaff. And enough people find my blog by the search term “peed pants.” I’m not sure I want that kind of traffic.

5) Have Another Baby Hanging onto youth by proving my fecundity. That’s original. And I have three already, and thus nothing left to prove in that regard. And they are expensive, which would mean fewer action figures for me. But my husband actually only reads the bold print in my blogs, and I can never pass up the opportunity to mess with him. Ever.

6) Take Up Smoking  Cigars or a pipe. Except that I am asthmatic. And smoke makes me sick to my stomach.

7) Volunteer For PTA President Really, really not that desperate.

8 ) Collect cats I think we have this one covered. We have three of them, and they own us.

9) Buy a Guitar This is the one I am leaning toward most. A folk acoustic guitar. The thing I think I will most regret if I don’t do it. Cheaper than a Corvette, for sure. I can sing pretty well. Granted,  God only gave me a single octave with which to work, but I will be the one-octave sensation sweeping the nation. And you will buy my records. And everyone will love me. At least the cats will. And they will sing with me. Because cats do that.

What other options have I missed? Husband says he’s getting a motorcycle for his midlife crisis, so I think I may be selling myself short.

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30 thoughts on “I Have A Plan, and I’m Not Afraid To Use It.

  1. My gram is 83. She said the very best time of her life was in her 50s. She said she could travel, had money and could comfortably spend it, could enjoy her husband, and still looked pretty damn good while doing it all.I’m not 30 yet, so I’ll probably eat my words, but I’m looking forward to that age. My gram is a smart woman, so I’ll hope for the best. Buy the guitar!

  2. I am very close to a woman who also wanted to mark her 40th birthday with something out of the ordinary. After rejecting most of the standards she settled on getting a tattoo. Not too unusual except for the fact that she isn’t a tattoo kind of person. She wanted the experience, but not necessarily the body art. Her solution was brilliant. Instead of the cute flower or butterfly in an easy to hide spot, she went to the parlor and got a tattoo on her face. It was a tattoo of a freckle. I am no stranger to tattoos, but in 3 years I might just follow her lead.

    • Mr. Whisker-lickin’s, Poopsie, Bad Boy, Niblet, Jocko, and Pooterpants disagree. Too many cats are never problematic. (they are making me type this….please call animal control….I am scared)

  3. Love your humor. Wish I could pass my humor off on my blogs as well as you do but I am new at this.
    Anyway, I turned 40 two years ago and while I truly enjoyed my romantic night away with my hubby and away from kids I still wish I would have done something grander to commemorate the big day. Do something and have fun. By the way not that I am well into my 40’s but so far I find 40 a very empowering age. I LOVE IT.

    • But husband wants the motorcycle. Although I have a couple of months on him, so if I hit my crisis first,.. But I’m trying to steer away from the whole tattoo thing. One say I will look like the Saggy Baggy elephant, and I don’t want to wonder what I was thinking. Or maybe I won’t remember getting it at all and just think it’s a miraculous birthmark.

  4. I really want you to get Dobby and knit him tea cozy hats! They can change according to your mood (and his) and the season!!

    Also getting a guitar and starting a singing cat band sounds fun!

  5. My husband jokes that I’M his mid-life-life crisis plan, given that he was in college when I was born… I tease him in return that I’m about to trade him in–for an OLDER model–when he hits his “double-nickel” birthday in a couple weeks. Maybe being next to such an Old Guy takes the sting out of my own fast-approaching four-oh milestone. 😉 I hope you’ll post a guitar solo for my cat to sing along with!

      • Anything by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole–our own household instrument being an ukelele wielded by the (Old) Hawai’ian husband… 🙂

  6. Pingback: Sharin’ da Lovin’ | Transitioning Mom

  7. So far every decade has its own ridiculous fun (I’m officially in my second half-century now), and I don’t think you’ll have any shortage of inspirations for your own, starting with your excellent list!

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