You will have to excuse me this morning. I took my sister to the midnight showing of “Breaking Dawn” for her birthday. I got about three hours of sleep, and now I’m so tired that I can’t remember if the name “Edward” contains one “q” or two. Spell check doesn’t seem to like either variation, so it must not be working.
I’m not the kind of gal who would buy a ticket for a midnight showing for a Twilight movie. Truly. Because I am a grownup with three children. And it wasn’t Harry Potter. But I bought those tickets. Because my sister wanted to go. The woman who has not left her house after dark since I can remember. She’s kind of the anti-vampire, really. But the moment I reminded her that the movie was coming out soon, she said “We could go at midnight!” with a kind of manic glee usually reserved for a two-for-one sale on toilet paper. So I bough the tickets. Because I was a little afraid not to.
So here I sit, part vampire, myself. I cringe from the rising sun, have pale skin, dead eyes, and no blood running through my veins. It’s all coffee. But I am glad I did. Because I owed her. For all the things she had to put up with over the years. Taking one for the team for:
The times I called her “fat face.” As though it were her name. It is not. Her birth certificate clearly states “Dear Little Dawn.” Or something like that.
The time I neglected to mention that she had chocolate ice cream all around her mouth. While she was talking to her former teachers. And trying to act cool. In the mall. At that marvelously awkward age of 13. She has never been able to eat ice cream in public since. Even with a spoon.
The times I may have forgotten to relay a phone message to my sister from the guy she had a crush on. I’m sure that’s not a big deal. She didn’t even know they liked her in return, so she wasn’t missing anything, right?
The time(s) my puppy pooped in front of her bedroom door. I probably didn’t see it. Before she stepped in it. I swear.
All the undergarments of hers my dog stole and drug out into the yard. By the street. That were left out there for the neighbors to see. And guys who came to pick her up. Whoops. My bad.
The time I may or may not have forgotten to mention that she had tucked the back of her skirt into her panty-hose. As she was preparing to walk down the center aisle of our very large church to get to the choir loft. Where she had to sing. At the age of 14. Sorry, sis. I thought you knew.
All the times I may have insinuated that her make-up made her look like a transsexual circus clown. To my transsexual friends, I apologize. I was young and didn’t know how insulting that comparison might be. For you. And for circus clowns. She outgrew that stage, probably because of me. You’re welcome, world.
All the times I’ve called her “old.” She is not old. Just much, much older than I am. And sometimes needs reminding.
That over-the-hill surprise party I threw for her last year. To remind her that she is old. Because that’s what sisters do. At least, sisters who know there is minimal chance of reciprocation.
So dear sister, if you are reading this, I apologize. I do not, in fact, hate you, although that phrase may have slipped out a time or two. Million. I would risk my life for you. Which I did last night. Those people were crazy. Happy Birthday, sis!
Hey I was on the WordPress humor tag, and there you where on the first page. I loved the post. I might have to write one for my brother. On seecond thought……..maybe not.
If he doesn’t actually READ it, you should be okay. It’s very cathartic. Much like my sister wetting her pants in her old age must be. I would imagine.
Aw man! I had always pictured you as a kind, sweet child. As my mum always told me, “Stop torturing your sister!” I guess you have stopped and managed to torture yourself in the process. Well, played. Now I have to figure out the Twilight equivalent for my sisyer’s birthday. I have some making up to do…
Also, as the world’s worst speller, “can’t remember if ‘Edward’ is spelled with one q or two,” had me in a fit of giggles. 🙂
Awe what an awesome sister! Braving the crazy twihards. Happy bday to your sister!
Yes, I am so ashamed of my earlier behavior. So ashamed that I shared her finer moments with all my readers. So that they know all her most humiliating moments. I mean, so they can see how awful I am.
I LOVE THIS!! This was hilarious! Great post. Still smiling from reading it 😀
I will pretend for a moment that you are my sister. And that you found it funny. And not humiliating. I feel like an awesome little sister now!
You can be… 😉
This was so funny I actually had to read it out loud to my sister on the phone this morning. I told her to consider it my early birthday card to her, my much older sister.
Laughing all the way through the day with this one!!
Little sisters, UNITE!
I’m busy making club badges now!
Your post (wait for it…) just “glittered” it was so enjoyable!
And for the record, there’s actually (3) q’s, all silent.
THREE “q’s.” I KNEW I was doing something wrong. So embarrassed by my error.
What a perfect homage to your sister. Makes me want a sister so I can write something.
You can write about mine.
And she STILL picks on me! (sigh)
Hahaha this is so funny, I have to forward it to my mom. She is one of 4 sisters.
Wow. Does she have a lot to make up for? Or was she the hapless victim?
As Transitioning Mom’s wee-bit older (but so much funnier) sister, my perspective is a little bit different. I think there should be many, many more midnight premieres in your future if you ever want to balance the karma! Ditto to my more immature sister!
Loved you blog! Laughed so hard, my slightly more mature bladder almost gave out on me!
Glad you retained control, there. “Breaking Dawn” is in two parts, and I think they did that so that I’d have another opportunity.
“The time I may or may not have forgotten to mention that she had tucked the back of her skirt into her panty-hose.”
Gahhhh, I saw my step-mom almost leave the house like this when I was 9 and it’s remained on my Top 10 Fears List since then.
What she DIDN’T mention…was that I was exactly 1 seat in front of my crush…I’m scarred to this day! 😦 (sniff-sniff)
Sounds like my sister and me! Haha.
Oh god, I just can’t stop laughing everytime I read this.
How was Breaking Dawn?
I did not expect to like the movie because it seemed gimmicky to split it in two. But it was excellent. CGI in just the right amounts, ended exactly where I thought it should have. The acting was so much better, too. I enjoyed it.
Be glad you’re not my little sister *evil smile*. Evilness aside, that was one of the most interesting ways to wish a sibling a happy birthday.
But there would be at least one more movie ticket in it for you. There’s penance to be done.
I kind of wish you had been my sister because at this point I would cash in my chips and redeem them for something way bigger than a midnight showing. I’d take some punishment if I knew it would eventually earn me a weekend in Vegas 🙂
Maybe in the next life you will have to endure a childhood with MY next life. Don’t count on me having learned from any mistakes, though.
Wait a minute. Hold on. I thought big sisters were supposed to be the abusive ones — my two were. Apparently you are much smarter than I am!
The younger ones are sneakier. By design.
I was COMPLETELY innocent of any wrong-doing in our childhood…I was the “good child”… 🙂
I love your blog. I followed you. Please don’t be upset if I don’t comment often. I find blogs, especially funny, well-written ones, to be un-endingly distracting. Therefore, I could sacrifice 100% of my freelance income to reading blogs. Be flattered. You should be. I am a woman of discerning taste. 🙂
Thanks so much for following. Thanks for taking the time.
Hey BC do you have a twitter?
I do. I am @becomingcliche
@becomingbitter – I’m following you now. You do tweet whenever you post new stuff right?
Love this post. Even as a sad “only child,” I could appreciate it. Well done. Hilarious. And kudos on the twilight story-made my day.
If you need someone to torture and torment in sibling-fashion, I may know someone…
Tag, you’re it! I’ve just nominated you for the “Versatile Blogger Award”–details at http://kanatyler.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/boxers-blugs/
Thanks for the great reading! 🙂 Kana
LOL i am def forwarding this to my sister!
Were you the victim, or do you owe her a Twilight ticket?
I was the victim!
Eva, you need to make her a list of how you have been wronged, and what you want in return. The holiday season is upon us. You might get something nice out of her!
haha it wont work! and if she finds these comments…i am screwed! lol
I grew up with one brother and no sisters. I just find this hysterical and the “stuff” you did to your sister I did simular things to my brother and vice versa. Good save with the prunes!
Very nice hehe. Me and my sister are more estranged unfortunately, but it’s all cool. It’s always nice people who have good feelings towards their family 🙂
As you know, I’ve been reading you a while. I think this is my favorite post that you’ve written thus far. Inspired, hilarious and sweet. I’ll never look at a bag of dried prunes again without thinking of you.
I’m so glad that you liked it! But prunes are not something whose value I feel I can live up to.
As “hapless victim” of this authors post, I won’t ever look at a bag of prunes without thinking of her, either…
So funny. I’m a little sister too, though it sounds like you had much more fun than I did at her expense! No time like the present, right?
So right. Big sisters need us to keep them in their proper place.
One of my sisters tried to smother me with a pillow. No brain damage as far as I can tell.
Don’t ever admit that. Ever. Pretend there is some brain damage. You can get some mileage out of it.
Lol. This is awesome.
I am a terrible human being. I know.
I don’t have any siblings. This post makes having one sound so fun and horrible! 🙂 Good job!
That pretty much sums up my experience with having a sister. So fun. And horrible.
I should pretty much write something in this vein for my twin sister. Boy, would i have a lot of confessions! Your post was funny and a pleasure to read.
If you do, send me the link. I need to know I’m not the only horrible sibling out there!
Here’s to sisters! I have 3 and there is nobody in the whole wide world that “gets” me as well as one of them.
Happy birthday to yours!
Hey! I just wrote a little about my sisters today! Here’s to sisters!
I loved your post about your sisters. I almost took my sister shopping this morning. Almost. There are limits.
Like mommygosleepynow, I’m one of four sisters. I think that’s reason enough to love this post. Another good reason is that it serves as a cautionary tale if I should think of starting a confessional of all the *possibly* not-nice things I’d done to and with my sisters over the years. Much better to laugh at others’ suffering! 😀
It’s all good if your sisters never actually read the confessional. Mine has no idea…
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Thank you so much!