The Laws of Nature

They say that opposites attract. Nowhere will you find this adage proven more clearly than in my house. I am a short, fun-loving chatterbox who loves dogs reading. And my husband is a reptile. Okay, so he’s not scaly, and the closest he’s come to laying an egg was when he found out how much it was going to cost to fix the foundation. But his failure in the mammal department comes from his complete and utter inability to produceor retain his own body heat.

He’s a runner. I am not. He puts in 5 or 6 miles daily, and as a result has the body-fat of a 9 year old gymnast.  Lacking that layer  of insulation, he’s always cold. Always. I, however, do not have that problem. As a non-runner and conscientious objector to strenuous exercise in general, I have a very nice layer of insulation. Thank you very much, it is a custom design! Yes, it is nice and cozy. And that’s the trouble. The man is always trying to take advantage of the fact that I am an endotherm. What? That’s not dirty. Google it.

I am warm-natured. I can’t sleep if I’m too hot, and I get over-heated easily. Having the metabolism of a hummingbird, my husband’s skin temperature is around 900 degrees. Except for his feet. Those register somewhere just above freezing. And though on the surface he feels warm enough to melt metal, he is all shivery. And seeking warmth. In other words, me. I wake to find him snuggled so close to me that I can’t breathe. It doesn’t matter if I scoot over. He finds me. There are times when he has chased me so far over that it’s easier for me to get out of bed and go over to his side.

Summer-time is worse. Even though I am very warm-natured, I do require at least one layer of covers when I sleep. As everyone knows, the body parts that are hanging out from under covers can and will be consumed by monsters. So safety first.  In the summer, I simply turn on the ceiling fan to compensate for the extra warmth. Husband fails to comprehend the necessity of both fan and covers. So he turns off the fan. That’s right. Just gets out of bed and turns it off. He likes to live life on the edge, that one.  I may have to smother him in his frost-bitten sleep. And no jury would convict me. No jury consisting of well-insulated, pre-menopausal women, that is. Hot trumps cold. Every time. EVERY TIME. If you’re cold, PUT ON SOME SOCKS!

Winter time is a bit easier since someone bought us the human equivalent of an under-cage heater. That’s right. We’ve got an electric mattress cover. It’s pretty sweet, even for me. I don’t like the shock of cold sheets. All we need to do is turn on the electric cover a little while before bed, and it gets all cozy and warm. And here’s the best part. That magic invention has dual controls! So I can turn my side off. And he can crank it up. The only trouble is that the cords inevitably get tangled in storage, and it takes us a couple of weeks each winter to figure out exactly which controller operates which side. I never said we were smart people.

I’m still waiting for the magic invention that helps us to survive the summer. I’m afraid that if it’s this difficult now, when I do hit menopause, we’ll be safer sleeping in separate states.

Good thing I actually like reptiles, huh?

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27 thoughts on “The Laws of Nature

  1. Here’s what I’ve learned this morning…I should not take a big gulp of coffee while reading your blog and expect it to stay in my mouth! And, I should not read it aloud to my kids because they now only want to hear your posts rather than our current classic lit. piece, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

    Thanks, once again, for starting my day with a chuckle!

    • I love that book! They must certainly NOT read my blog. Until they have read all about Francie. I tried to get my daughter to read it, but she wasn’t interested. I should have made her early life more difficult so that she could better relate.

  2. This sounds suspiciously like my house! Except for the foot-eating monsters. I think they’ve given up on my house and moved over to yours because we don’t have any problems with them here.

  3. Pingback: I failed. « Sheila Talbitzer

  4. Loved this post. My husband is not thin, but he does chase me across the bed for warmth, LOL. I think they make a cooling mattress cover for summer – that might solve your problem!!

  5. I discovered a couple of years ago that my husband’s feet seek out mine for warmth, only he usually only did it when he climbed into bed after me. I distinctly remember when my shift changed and we went to bed together and that first night I felt the bone-chilling experience of his feet finding mine. All I said was, “I’m still awake.” He about died laughing. “I totally forgot!!!!!”

  6. I am a reptile and demand you give your husband some sympathy. You are stealing his heat! Whether you need it or not. I always protest when people say I give off heat – why on earth would I do that? It is merely that the other person is TAKING it from me. And then throwing it away by pulling back the covers.

    Other than that, excellent post, you made me chuckle when a full bladder made it inadvisable (but manageable – I did NOT just pee myself!)

  7. 🙂 J. and I are the exact opposite – there are times when I have goose-bumps all over, while he sits there sweating profusely. In the same room! So there’s a constant battle over the heating in our home…

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