Call of Duty: Black Friday Ops II

Galactic Heroes all lined up for Black Friday deals. Actually, we could put the fun back in Black Friday shopping if stores would hire Storm Troopers as security instead of rent-a-cops.

I have a bad case of fly-on-the wall syndrome, and Black Friday was practically a religious holiday for me. I used to dearly love getting up in the wee hours and stumbling in the dark to the biggest store in the area to be a part of the hustle and bustle. Blame my psych degree, but I do love watching how people misbehave in groups. Here’s the really funny part. I’d show up at four in the morning, Edward in hand and ready for action. With all of my shopping already done. That’s right. I would stand in line to get into the store, wander around for a couple of hours and leave without buying a thing. I know. It’s a sickness. But it was fascinating to me. I liked to see what kind of stuff everybody else is getting, what they were willing to fight and die to possess.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I have a $10 yard sale television (true story) because I don’t have the passion in my heart. Maybe if I was a more motivated person, I’d have a 50 inch flat screen. That I purchased for $1.99 at Big Buy Mart on Black Friday. But the truth is, while I love watching people score that awesome holiday bargain, I don’t want to spend the money myself. Or put myself at risk of great bodily harm. But I do love to read the ads, make lists, pretend like I’m going to shop.

One of my favorite Black Friday trips happened three years ago. I went with my mom, sister and aunt. We divided up the list, scoured maps, and strategized like we were planning to stage a military coup. They are the type who stay in phone-contact and have pre-determined meeting spots. Tiny catch. I don’t have a cell. So one of them lent me theirs.  So sweet. But I didn’t remember to actually answer it. Sure, I heard the ring tone, but I didn’t recognize it. Or even notice it as I perused $5 flash-drives. And when I finally realized it was my pocket that was ringing, I didn’t know which button to push to answer the phone.  They found me an hour later in frozen foods. People watching. They haven’t asked me back.

I don’t go anymore. Maybe I am maturing. Maybe I am just becoming more aware of my own mortality. Those people out there are crazy. I’ve seen the youtube videos from Friday, and there is entirely too much screaming. The only time shopping should involve any screaming at all is if you’re a twelve-year old girl who just scored the last autographed Justin Bieber poster. No exceptions. Okay, maybe if you’re the next girl in line and your pre-teen heart is broken. Waffle irons are not worth hysterics. Even if they’re $2. Even if they’re free.

My new philosophy. If I want to see grown people beat each other senseless over a meaningless object, I’ll just turn on a hockey game. Shopping shouldn’t be a contact sport.

22 thoughts on “Call of Duty: Black Friday Ops II

  1. The only time I have ever gone shopping on Black Friday was when Target had ALL of the Harry Potter movies for $3…and I waited until almost closing time to run in the store, paid in the electronics department and ran back out.

  2. 10 years ago when stores opened at 6 and 7am my sister-in-law and I studied the sales papers, created a plan and went shopping. Then we had to load the 2 75lb tool chests we scored into our vehicles ourselves and didn’t have a clue where to hide them until Christmas. We haven’t been since. My daughter; however, is dying to go and do what you mentioned: Just watch. She wants to witness the craziness up close and personal.

    • Nope. No cell phone. The one time we ever needed one, it turned out to be worthless. Emergency personnel still couldn’t find us, so we had to drive our injured baby to the hospital ourselves. That situation didn’t sell me on having a cell of my own.

  3. I went — to Kohl’s– which was pretty civil. While waiting in line, a lady came up from Wal-Mart down the street and said that someone had gone crazy and started shooting a nail gun. We didn’t believe her until we heard the ambulances, police cars and other emergency personnel flying down the street, lights blazing and sirens going.

    That made my decision never to go to WalMart, on Black Friday, or maybe any other day.

  4. I do believe I’ve seen you not there! We even went to different stores together! 🙂
    Not a big fan of crowd crunchers stomping my feet, and shoving me backward to get stabbed in the rear by a frontal assault from some projecting object some chowderhead took out of his cart and put back on the shelf wrong(there’s a story there, but not for here)!

  5. Black Friday: A holiday in which Americans trample each other through stores trying to get deals on toys for their children mere hours after a holiday in which they celebrated being thankful for what they already have.

    • And yet, I still feel the compulsion to go.
      1.99 TVs? Why don’t I have that!

      Silly string dispenser in shape of turkey? I suddenly need that, and at abysmally low Black Friday prices!

      Loved the post, you write very well!

  6. LOL – there is so much joy for me, reading this post. I have never braved Black Friday (I want to live). I hear you on the cell phone. I have one now, but sometimes I have no idea why it’s chiming certain stuff. Usually, it’s because it is alarm challenged, I will set it as a go back to work/lunch time is over, and the next day, it will go off again. Dur.

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