Who Thought These Were A Good Idea?

Not the actual model. This design looks sleek and impressive. And would give me a concussion when it came sliding across the dashboard.

 

We got her for Christmas a few years ago. She seemed like the perfect gift. To my husband, she was another condescending female with comments on his driving. To me, she was a sister-wife. I called her “Julie.” Until I realized that he valued her input more than mine, and war was declared. If Julie said “All your friends are driving off a bridge,” he would probably gun it for the nearest overpass. Why did anyone ever think the world needed a GPS?

I understand, though. I fell for her, too. There’s something very comforting about having someone else tell you what to do when you’re lost and confused. It’s even acceptable that they’re bossy. Because if they’re talking to you like you’re stupid, then everything must be fine. It’s when the note of panic creeps into their voice that you’re up the creek without a paddle, and possibly even more literally than you’d like.

We have discovered that there are things that Julie the GPS likes. Fast food, for instance. She can tell us exactly how to get to McDonalds from anywhere. And there are places that she does not like, as well. She has an allergy to state and national parks. On one memorable trip (oh, believe you me, we have tried to forget), the path she chose for us took us around the perimeter of a park. It took us two hours before we realized that Julie is a lying wench. Despite her protests that she would need to recalculate, we took an unadvised turn and were at our destination in 15 minutes.

And we never learn. We went to the mountains this past weekend, and we decided to see if there was a faster route home. We learned on this trip that Julie likes to pout. Apparently since we hadn’t seen fit to ask her how to get there in the first place, she wasn’t sure she wanted to get us home. And we were in a national park. Double score. It took 15 minutes of hanging her out of the car window in quickly dropping temperatures before she would bother to pick up a signal at all. Hell hath no fury like a GPS scorned, ladies and gentlemen. And she wasn’t finished with us yet. It didn’t take her long to get all passive-aggressive. If I rolled up the window, she would promptly “lose” the signal until I rolled it back down. After this happened a couple of times, she started to get a little mouthy.

“Are you inside a vehicle?” What do you think, genius?

“Are you in (insert random state here)?” Uh, didn’t we already have this conversation when I programmed you?

“Are you driving under trees?” National forest. I think, perhaps.

“Is today December 4th?” Apparently, she was convinced I had suffered a head injury from beating my cranium against the dashboard during our friendly little discussion. I was waiting for her to ask me to name the current President of the United States when my husband suggested that perhaps we could continue without her. I think we can, like maybe for the rest of our lives.

But I know that there will come a time when he will be tempted to pull her out of her hiding place and ask her to take him somewhere. He likes bossy women who think they know everything, and Julie actually comes with volume control.

Just remember, though, Sweetie. She will never load the dishwasher as well as I do.

 

 

 

Photo: Wikipedia

Advertisements

44 thoughts on “Who Thought These Were A Good Idea?

  1. My Garmin once told me to drive off road into the middle of a field to find a campground. Actually, it told my father-in-law, who was driving. He did and Garmin proudly announced that we had reached our destination. Only, our destination was supposed to be atop a mountain. My father-in-law said, “Something ain’t right.”

  2. I traveled north with my man friend and he used some sort of magic map on his phone. Signal strength is EVERYTHING. Thanks for sharing! if I had a Julie, I would be inclined to program her to find the nearest chocolate. Would HATE to hear the comments on that one!

  3. My GPS always insists upon telling me that I am travelling over the speed limit. I keep reminding it who is actually driving and to shut up! Oh and if it leads me to the middle of a field again, I might just leave it there.

  4. LOVE THIS POST! This is hilarious! GPS stories are the best. There are so many entertaining ones and I think the reason they are so freakin’ entertaining is that we do tend to give “her” human qualities and therefore expectations… and then she acts like a complete idiot. Except when she’s saving our asses from being lost in the “wring” part of town for days. 😉

  5. Our GPS has been relegated to the bottom of the spare electric parts drawer ever since it left me in a vacant lot in a questionable part of town. On our last family trip, we actually used one of those paper thingies with all the pretty colours and lines. We even learned how to fold it.

  6. This is hilarious! We got my dad a GPS for Christmas one year, and he really does not like being told what to do – so now he fights with it. If the GPS tells him to turn left he’ll glare at it and then yell back “I DON’T WANT TO” and then turns right. It’s a complete time sink. Great post!

  7. Loved the post! 🙂 Our GPS, Mildred, took us the “shortest” path to our destination when we were driving in Northern CA this summer. Of course, it was shortest as the bird flies, and since we weren’t birds, I think you can imagine what happened. It was the curviest, bumpiest narrow trek through farmland you ever saw! But quite picturesque. The only thing we didn’t access was a cow path! I was getting car sick. And this short cut took far longer because the speed limit was lower so you wouldn’t kill yourself on hairpins!

  8. My MIL has one in her car, i call her madeleine and she hates John, she is great with me, but if John is driving, she will not be good at all.. great post.. you are one funny sheila! c

  9. This is funny! This is the funniest post I’ve read today, and I’ve read more than a few. Even the comments are funny! Really well written, genuinely funny humor. I don’t have a Julie, because I’m one of those older guys who still uses the position of the sun in the sky to navigate, and with mixed results. Although since I love going to national parks, I’m feeling kinda smug right now. 🙂 But maybe I should get myself a Julie anyway – not for directions, but just for the sheer entertainment value. Lol

  10. My GPS never sounds annoyed, even if I ignore her advice several times in a row. But she does hold a grudge and will get revenge by giving me bad directions later.

  11. Love your snarky writing. Great post. I enjoyed it so much, I just shared it. Our GPS likes to direct us to mow down children on a walking path in our neighborhood. I think she has a Mommy Dearest streak.

  12. Why did you name your GPS Julie? That’s what I want to know. Are Julies known for being bossy know-it-alls until they step foot on state park grounds? Can we start the phrase, “What a Julie” please! 🙂

  13. Bear has one of these in his cruiser. It is useful when trying to find the address of a complainant, but I will not allow him to put it in one of our personal vehicles. I have often been on the tele with my mother as hers belts out how she should cut through the side yard of a doctor’s office and promptly make a left turn so she can make the block and begin again.

    Red.

A penny for your thoughts! And by penny, I mean a warm-fuzzy in your heart.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s