This year’s naughty list:
1) The gigantic grocery store that had four check out lanes open four days before Christmas. That manager is not getting coal. He/she will be forced to work as a cashier at Wal-Mart for all eternity. Santa’s not playing around, here.
2) The genius who placed the Christmas cookie display in the middle of the already narrow aisle so that two shopping carts can no longer pass one another. Every shopper needs a little more frustration at this time of year. I’m not buying your cookies.
3) The sanitation engineers who see fit to leave my bin in the middle of my driveway, forcing me to stop in the middle of the road to move it before I can park. In the rain. Every single week. No Christmas cookies for you. Partly because you’ve been naughty, and partly because I couldn’t fit down the cookie aisle.
4) The dude who cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Sure, you got a better parking place, but I’m not sure why you think you’re all that. You’re still shopping at Wal-mart with the rest of us. No further punishment necessary.
5) People who text and drive. In the passing lane. Going 20 miles below the speed limit. May your phone bill be more than your house payment. Sorry . I know that was harsh.
6) People who see a flake of snow and instantly forget how to drive. Santa is bringing you a mule and buggy this year. Good luck getting it started on a cold morning.
7) The chick who was walking texting in front of me. In the crosswalk. In heavy traffic. Santa is bringing you an open manhole.
8 ) Any and every mammalian in the house who insists they need to be with me at three in the morning. What is the matter with you creatures/kids? Santa’s replacing this ray-of-sunshine with a total grouch who will make you clean your rooms. You brought it on yourselves.
9) Gmail for continuing to ignore feedback on a crummy product and secretly switching me to the “new look.” I will be referring every technophobe over the age of 60 to your service. And providing each of them a link to your help center. You’ll be so busy helping these folks figure out how to delete their discounted Viagra offers that you won’t have time to screw anything else up. ***
10 ) Facebook for its sponsored ads. I know my friend Jenny loves her dachshund like a person, but suddenly I don’t see her posting pics of “Weenie Vieenie’s” latest sweater in my ticker. Every single day, my ticker tells me that she “likes” an insurance company. Either it’s a sponsored ad, or Jenny has been abducted by insurance-selling aliens. I thought Facebook was supposed to bring the world closer together, but I just don’t know who Jenny is anymore. Should I call her? Wait. I don’t actually know her. But she waters my crops. But I do miss pics of that little weenie dog. He’s so cute in those sweaters!
The Nice List:
1) Donna at Target who saw me struggling with an armload of stuff and found a shopping cart for me. And located the tiny little Christmas tree that my daughter wanted, even though the other employees told her they were all gone. And for smiling and making me feel like she really was glad to help me.
2) The anonymous folks who are paying off lay-aways and dropping gold coins into Salvation Army buckets. Thank you for helping others and for restoring my faith in mankind.
3) Folks who post blogs with awesome Christmas flash mobs.
4) The makers of Legos. I now know what to buy my son until the end of time.
5) The dog who greets me with an enthusiastic thump of her tail every morning, even if she is too lazy to actually get up off the couch to do it.
6) The nice lady at the DMV who didn’t take my picture for my license when I accidentally showed up in my pajamas. Yes, it can happen.
7) My teen daughter. Beautiful girl, if the biggest things I have to scold you about are washing your lunch containers and refilling the ice trays, I am the luckiest mom in the world. You’re doing just fine.
8 ) The husband who stepped out of his comfort-zone to buy the birthday gift he knew I really wanted. A month ahead of time.
9) The nine year old boy who volunteered to sit with his brother and watch “Ratatouille” until their dad got home so I could hide in my bed and try to get rid of my headache.
10 ) The little guy who crawled in my bed this morning with his cold feet and said “Mommy, I want to be old like you. Will I get candy?” Yes, pumpkin. All the candy you can hold.