The Journal of Fairly Predictable Results

I’m taking my resolutions seriously this year. My biggest desire is to take better care of myself, so when a fellow blogger started a blogging group dedicated to getting in shape in the New Year, I signed up with no hesitation. Or my husband signed me up. Or Phoebe gave me that look that clearly said “Your bum is closer to the ground than mine, and I’m a basset hound.” Or whatever. I was inspired.

See this face? Totally judging you for stuffing your pie hole with treats. Can I have some of that?


I don’t want to set myself up to fail, so I chose one goal to start with. Drink more water. It’s good for me in all kinds of ways. It’s good for my asthma, great for the porphyria, helps facilitate weight-loss, and it will keep my kidneys from getting bored. Win-win-win. Win.

Drinking more water sounds simple. And simple is my middle name. Well, my middle-middle name, right after Trouble, which is my actual middle name. Speaks trippingly, don’t you think? So I am drinking water. Lots of it. Like, 10-12 glasses of it. And now I have a problem.

When a human being consumes a large quantity of liquid, there’s a fairly obvious result, and I am not referring to  the clear skin and increased energy.  I’m referring to the fact that I am now trapped in my home because I cannot be more than three steps from a bathroom.

Keeping this one little resolution has taken a toll on my other goals for the year. One was to be more environmentally friendly. Which sounds great, but there are forests currently meeting their end in the name of my water intake. And forget exercise. I can’t do anything that involves jumping or sudden movements of any kind. I can’t even go for a walk unless it’s in a heavily wooded area with no other people around and lots of hiding places, just in case nature calls. Right now I don’t have call-waiting.

I am trying to adapt to this disruption in my life. To balance out the natural resources I am burning through, I now leave the bathroom light off. And I have taken to carrying a backpack loaded with an unabridged dictionary. The additional weight is building my quads with every pit stop.

I can do this thing. And to make it worth my while, I’ve decided to reward myself. Each day that I am successful with my goal, I get to eat a Big Mac and a chocolate milk shake. I can practically feel the pounds just melting away. I will power through. Who’s with me?



44 thoughts on “The Journal of Fairly Predictable Results

  1. Great writing! I love all the humor you added in to this. On a more serious note, I’m actual big on getting enough water every day. I can agree that I need a bathroom about once an hour, but that really only becomes a noticeable nuisance on long car trips….or when trying to sleep. 🙂

  2. I’m right there with you! I mean not literally right there with you, that would be a bit intrusive!

    I also increased my water intake and am suffering the same consequences. Might relocate my home office to the bathroom. That way I can get work done!

  3. If you get enough salt in the big macs you might be able to retain some of that water you’re drinking. That’ll definitely help with the bathroom visits, and deforestation you are causing!

    • Of course I know where the bathrooms are. But then I have to drag said children with me. And the whole event becomes far less satisfying when I have to keep saying “Don’t touch that! Quit! Get your hand out of that box! There are no actual napkins in it!”

  4. When I get back from my 2-mile run/walk I have a piece of See’s Candy. I mean I’m in reserves, right? And I drink a LOT of water, but I take lithium (yes I am crazy) at dinner and it makes you thirsty AND makes you pee more. I’m going to start a log in the bathroom to keep track of how many times I get up at night. I don’t even know anymore.

  5. Pingback: Two-Kinds-of-People-Tuesday er Thursday « life on tuesday

  6. I have bad kidneys, so I’m supposed to drink more water. I drink maybe a glass of water every other day. My husband tells me he will have no sympathy the next time I get kidney stones, but I hate spending my whole day peeing. Still, I will join you on this one!

  7. I’m thinking you could keep a tv tray folded up by the toilet so you bring your laptop and keep writing as regularly as you relieve yourself. Come to think of it, I’ve got to patent this somehow….

  8. Well, I came here for my daily laugh, and as usual you delivered, and thanks for that! 🙂 But I also am a firm believer in the benefits of staying well hydrated, so I drink a lot of water, and yes it does make me run for the bathroom frequently. But the last time I bought a new pair of running shoes, I was able to break them in indoors, and I saved myself some blisters – so I guess almost anything can be a positive if you rationalize hard enough. Lol

  9. Oh dear, i have to say though that is an awful amount of water.. now i do see the humour, but here is a wee (oops sorry) tip. Drink three or four glasses of water before you get out of bed, before you have anything else, even before the toothbrush, this gives your insides a shower, You Pee all at once, then within 30 mins you can have your coffee. then a big glass before each meal..this is an very old chinese remedy for just about everything..all at once remember! c

  10. I don’t have call waiting, either! Haha, this is great 🙂 So glad you’ve been able to find solace in McDonalds (although I can’t imagine the risk your poor bladder must undergo for you to make the trek for your daily burger and shake!).

    Best of luck!

    • I wish I could remember the name of the burger I actually liked. I now cannot eat there without becoming seriously ill. I do, however, have about seven pounds of Christmas candy that I am rewarding myself with. 1 glass of water, one chocolate. Seems like a good exchange, right?

  11. I have the opposite problem; I drink and drink, but only pee maybe 3 times a day. Part camel?? I actually bought a little timer to remind me to go!

  12. This is quandary. Maybe you should work toward changing society’s perception of urinating wherever you happen to be standing in the manner of dogs? That would make my life a whole lot easier and cut down on the amount I spend on public urination citations.

  13. I avoid the “drink more water” health care plan. I have wood floors to worry about. I birthed two kids and one was a nine pounder so I’m already one giant sneeze away from a puddle.

  14. I continuously battle the water problem. I live on Diet Coke, and try to rationalize that it has water as an ingredient, but that apparently doesn’t satisfy the Health Gods. So, I try to drink a water between each Diet Coke, and you can imagine the effect that has on a teacher who is tied to her classroom unless an adult happens to walking by that she can snag to supervise while she runs to the Little Girls’ Room.

  15. Since Phoebe is being so judgmental, perhaps one bite of a Big Mac for you and the rest for her will teach her a lesson? This may backfire … nah, I see no problem with it.

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