Your Comprehensive Guide to Passive Aggression, Vol. 1

I have learned something in the nearly seventeen years of my marriage. My husband isn’t perfect. And…wait for it…neither am I. There are times when we get on one another’s nerves and I’d like to feed his running shoes to a pack of wild wolves, and he’d like to paint mustaches on all of my Severus Snape action figures. But we don’t. Because marriage is about working things out. So we do. Eventually.

But what do you do in the interim, between the wishing you could back over them with the car and the kiss-and-make-up? I’m so glad you asked.

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Serve them homemade chili the night before their big meeting. To take it to the next level, cook the beans in the water you soaked them in. I must warn you. There will be collateral damage. Make sure your own calendar is clear. And plan to leave your windows open at night. Methane poisoning is an ugly way to die.

Send their sandwich in a Justin Bieber lunch box.

Erase their entire musical library. Replace it with the sound tracks to “Titanic”  and “The Aristocats.” If those particular musical offerings are already on there, I really can’t help you.

When serving banana splits, don’t give them any of the chocolate ice cream. I know. This one is almost too mean. I am sorry you had to see that side of me.

Use their email address to sign up for on-line catalogs. Toys R Us, Wal-mart, Hickory Farms, candidates with opposite political leanings.

Wash their favorite undergarments in scalding water. Dry on high heat for three hours. Hope for a bit of shrink. If you’re feeling particularly vindictive, don’t use fabric softener. This one is not particularly environmentally friendly, so save it for the big stuff. Polar bears shouldn’t suffer because they left a toilet seat up/down.

Turn off their side of the electric mattress cover. Cold shoulder = cold all over.

Use their favorite coffee mug. For an added twist, pretend you don’t realize it’s their favorite. Serve their coffee in a substandard container and say “I know you prefer this cup.” They will spend their morning trying to figure out if you are being the better person or the turd.

Blow out their birthday candles. But don’t take their wish. There are lines that should never be crossed.

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Or you could just say you’re sorry. But in order for apologies to sound sincere, it’s necessary to remember what  the transgression actually was. And everyone knows that the first rule for a happy marriage is to never keep score.

Titanic? You have GOT to be kidding me! What did I ever do to you?

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60 thoughts on “Your Comprehensive Guide to Passive Aggression, Vol. 1

  1. The holidays are always hard on my husband and I… we tend to get on each other’s nerves a lot (probably since he is home more). I love your passive aggressive ideas! I need to try some of these… right now I just go to an empty room and make sarcastic comments to myself.

  2. Have roommates in college is where I saw the most passive aggressive behavior, and I dare say some of the actions were close to what you listed above. Well, not really, but in my memory they are. Some of these ideas would be good for April Fool’s jokes–mad or not mad.

  3. Ooh nice tips! Or not nice, depending on your mood. My favorite is to hide the TP. Really makes him mad, while I pretend to know nothing about it.

  4. Instead of Online catalogs, I signed him up for *every* online Christian Devotional I could possibly find. I wanted him to know that God was watching him, very closely. Also, the ‘no chocolate Ice cream’? That is just DIABOLICAL! Very impressive.

  5. Giggling away here! It borders on a miracle you eventually make up after you living out your vindictive streak like that. I really don’t envy your husband 😉
    Oh, and any tips what to do when your other half IS the electric blanket?

  6. Clever post. It’s just more silent till it blows over around here. Maybe I should spice things up a little? But certainly not with the chili…I don’t need to punish myself.

  7. I applaud your evil streak – well done ! My sweetie is a coffee addict & its possible to throw his whole world off tilt just by moving his mug afew feet….he canno tfunction if its out of reach! (I really should stop giggling…)

  8. Even though we aren’t married and we’ve never met in real life, I’m still making an indelible mental note to try to NEVER piss you off, cause you play rough! And of all the things you mentioned, it was erasing the music library and replacing it with “Titanic” and “The Aristocats” that caused my blood to run cold. Please do not speak of this to my wife! For she would know that the substitution of “The Sound of Music” would be just about the most evil and vindictive thing that she could do to me. (shudders at the thought!)

    Still a fun and funny post, but many a truth is told in jest, and I’m going to do my best to stay on your good side! Lol

  9. Thanks for the tips. I needed some more passive aggressive weapons to add to my arsenal. Saying “I’m fine” while slamming things around is getting a bit old and out of date.

  10. Great tips. Do let me know if you have any defensive maneuvers to combat the passive-aggressive types. My husband willingly does the dishes; he just doesn’t get them clean. I have never complained though. One side is less crunchy than the other and it is a start.

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  12. Excellent ideas! I particularly like the lunchbox idea. I think my husband would respond particularly well to a Hello Kitty one. I’m pretty sure he beat me to the musical library suggestion, though, because there is an awful lot of ABBA showing up on my iPod. Keep the ideas coming!

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  14. my hubby takes a metal “canteen” to work each day. Before I go to bed, I wash it out for him and leave it on the counter. If I’m feeling particularly sassy, or if he’s been particularly annoying, I add a little salt to it after washing it out, then set it on the counter so he knows it’s been cleaned out. He’ll get up, fill it with water and iced tea, and then will text me about 11 o’annoyed to find out what he did that set me off this time. 😉

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  18. Love this — especially the signing up for catalogs part. To make it even better, forget the password that you used to get them onto the account.

    Thank you for your recent visit to my blog and for Liking Valentine’s Day. I hope that this year’s will not involve shrinking your loved one’s underwear. (What do I do? I don’t have a dryer.)

  19. Wow, this place looks like fun! Snakes? Oh don’t get me started. I abhor them, seriously, I don’t like them. I prefer things with fur, thank you. But I’ll stick around and see what you have to say.

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