Slip Me Some Skin

I have heard it said that dermatologists have a good gig. Their patients never get better, but they never die. Forget being a dermatologist. I want to be one of their patients. I’m not sick, so no getting better is required. But it would be so cool to live forever! And that’s why I went. Not because of that annoying mole.

In order for my insurance to cover a visit to a specialist, I have to get a referral from my regular doctor, and I think a personal request from God, himself. On the day of the appointment, I gathered the paperwork I had been sent. All of the relevant information had been included except for an actual address. No worries there, though. Given her magical abilities to grant immortality, I was pretty sure her office was located in a cave or a castle, which narrows the search considerably.

I did find the office because I am just this side of magical myself. I signed in at the front desk and waited for the paperwork that required me to be there a full fifteen minutes early. The receptionist possessed some magical traits of her own, such as the ability to avoid making eye contact. But I was toddler-free and holding a good book. I sat down to wait.Forever, if it came down to it.

Only after those fifteen extra minutes had expired did “Bonnie” hand me the forms and ask for my insurance card. And my driver’s license. As everyone wants to be me, I totally understand why I should need to prove that I am, indeed, the real deal. I handed her the license. So she looked at it, looked at me, looked at it. When I asked if I could have it back, she narrowed her eyes and said “No.” I backed away slowly, unsure if her powers included breathing fire.

I dutifully filled out the volumes of forms, including one asking the reason for today’s visit. Interestingly, immortality was not one of the choices. Maybe that’s just a given. Not wanting to look like a total novice, I wrote “little mole.”

The nurse, whose powers of friendliness rivaled that of the receptionist, instructed me to put on the gown, a glorified paper-towel with arm holes. A cheap, generic Wal-mart paper towel with quality control issues. As I unfolded the thing, it ripped all the way down the front. Fantastic. But the doctor probably has x-ray vision anyway, so I decided not to worry about it.

The visit with the doctor herself was the shortest part of the whole deal. A little sawing, a couple of band-aids, some smelling salts, and I was all done. If results are good, I don’t have to come back for a year. Yippee.

I went to check out. With Bonnie. She shook all the money out of my wallet in return for my license, and I asked her if the office sends reminders at the one-year mark. “If you don’t make an appointment today, we have no way of contacting you,” she said flatly.

So if I skip out on the bill, they will never be able to find me? Even though they have my name, phone number, insurance information, mother’s dog’s name, and an actual street address? Immortality and invisibility. This pleases me.

Here's hoping that they are just garden variety moles.



Photo: Wikipedia. They have good pictures of moles.

40 thoughts on “Slip Me Some Skin

  1. HA! Was just as the doctor myself and had a similar experience. I always get the impression that I’ve interrupted the best game of Solitaire the reception has ever played by showing up on time.

  2. Haha! My sourpuss of a doctor sent me to a plastic surgeon he recommended in order to remove my mole. I went, it was benign, all was well… except that it left a hideous scar. I preferred the mole. At my next annual visit, Dr. Sourpuss saw the scar and tutted “You should have gone to the plastic surgeon I recommended instead of those dermatologist butchers!” I told him that I DID and that shut him up for the rest of the appointment (a small miracle.)

  3. Oh they will find you. Their minions in collections are powerful wizards. They won’t contact you to come back because they don’t want to deal with mere mortals, only the money you can provide.

    Smelling salts … Heh.

  4. I’m impressed you were in and out so fast. My dermatologist routinely made me wait 1 to 1 and 1/2 hours to see her. If my appointment was at 10am, I would check in, and then go run errands, stopping in around 11:30 usually to hear my name being called. Of course, one time I checked in 5 minutes passed my 10:30 appointment and was told that I would have to reschedule. I told her no, I was using all my credits that I had saved from when Dr. McPunctual kept me waiting at previous appointments. She shut up and let me keep the appointment….I was seen 2 hours later.

  5. I went to the dermatologist once. I have red hair and freckles cover every square inch of my skin. When she walked in, I told her I just wanted all my freckles checked. She laughed. Hysterically. She also offered to remove a few of the larger ones – “age spots” that bitch called them. I’ve never been back.

  6. You are so right about the “stink” eyes the staff gives you when you are a few minutes late but heavens, no problem letting you sit in their office waiting for hell to freeze over!
    (No, I don’t want to reread for the 20th time that old outdated People Magazine!!)
    …love how your Bonnie shook all your money out…:)

  7. As a life-long “severe atopic dermatitis” sufferer (that means I have eczema and it’s bad), I’ve spent more time waiting in dermatologists offices than I care to say. It never gets any better, even when they know you because you’re there three times a week. <.<

  8. Oh my goodness. I love that picture of the mole. It’s slightly better looking than the body moles. And your personality-less receptionist reminds me I have to make my yearly pap appointment. My goal is to make her smile this time…

  9. Oh man, I had no idea all I had to do to achieve immortality and invisibility was to go to a dermotologist. I’ll have to make an appointment so I can sneak into the midnight release of The Hobbit even if I have no money. I don’t know what I’ll do with the immortality yet, but I guess I have plenty of time to figure it out.

  10. Those gowns are pretty classy, yes? Do you think doctors are magical (maybe more like shaman)? They get paid big bucks and we only see them for 5 minutes a year – those kind of hours must have some magic going on!

  11. Personally, I think the reason those gowns split all the way down the middle is to keep you from gaining the powers of camouflage.
    I mean, green like chameleons. There’s gotta be something going on there…

  12. The contact information always blows me away. What kind of black hole do they put it in? Why do I have to keep filling out the same paperwork that they already have on file? I don’t mind looking it over to see if it’s changed, but only one office has ever asked me to do that. One doctor’s office kept calling to remind me of OTHER PEOPLE’s appointments – and then somehow completely lost mine. That was the last time I went there!

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