We cut off cable a few years ago when we moved to our new house, and we never bothered to have it hooked back up. After a Saturday at my mother’s house with access to 300 channels, I am now discontent with my life. We need cable.
I was there to take care of Mom following her surgery. But apparently post-op patients tend to take a lot of naps, which left me in control of the remote. Such power! I skimmed through that awesome and amazing TV guide channel and discovered the most amazing things. I found an educational program called “Brazilian Butt Lift” on the ABC Family Channel. As the old adage goes, “Families that lift their bum-bums together go to therapy together,” and who wants to stand in the way of that?
I scrolled through more channels and found about fifty more workout programs. I didn’t bother. According to a fellow blogger, I would actually have to do the exercises in order for them to help. As if.
And there were a few dozen home improvement programs. Watching a team come in and knock out half of the walls, paint everything green and purple, and spend large sums of money on weird bits of furniture is good fun. The families are always so excited about that latch hook Dogs Playing Poker rug in the living room and the velvet Elvis on the bedroom ceiling because it’s all in such good taste.
I finally settled on Planet Earth, a nature series with spectacular cinematography. And even better commercials. I timed it. Three minutes of commercials for every five minutes of programming. You know what that means? Too much programming. I found that I have been missing out on a lot of great stuff.
I need a GoJo. It’s the truly hands-free headset, and I need to use my hands less. And I want one for the whole family. We don’t have cell phones, and I only voluntarily make one phone call a week, but we need this thing. With this device, I could do back flips and carry my five pound laptop without even using my hands. I have always wanted to be able to do a back flip.
And there was this sticky roller thing used to get pet hair off of clothing. They said that buying their product could save me $100 a year, and who doesn’t need extra cash? But here’s the sad part. Vince promised that if I called within the next 20 minutes, he would double my order, but they couldn’t keep the offer going all day. And apparently he meant it. I couldn’t find the phone, and they never ran the ad again.
So here I sit, sad and still covered in cat hair, unable to lift my Brazilian Butt off the couch, and still using my hands to hold things. I am way behind the modern world. I may never catch up.
Yup, just forget it. It’s the destitute writer’s life for you, lady.
Harsh. I need a GoJo. PLEASE? Even if I don’t get one for my whole family? PLEASE?!!!
My kids clamor because we only have basic cable with about 60 channels. None at all… geesh, lady. Are you trying to raise Amish kids or what???
Hoping to scar them early by a lack of Phineas and Ferb. .
Don’t you have kids? Then what do you need cable for again?
Oh, and I’ll have one of these sticky roller thingies. But only if it can remove grubby kids’ handprints as well.
I think the sticky roller thing is limited to picking things up. But maybe it can pick up the kids from school.
Haha, had the same experience last month when Hubby got his knee replaced… We don’t have channels either–even the Basic–and we decided we don’t miss it… Though of course we channel surfed for the entire three days at the hospital 😉
Surfing is the most fun part of it. Dibs on the remote!
Loser
But you knew that already!
LIKE ! Too damn funny! Sharing this!
Thanks for the share!
I don’t have cable either – my poor deprived brain. Funny how when you finally get around a tv again you start watching anything and everything that comes across that screen in a trance-like state…
Truer words were never spoken.
We ditched cable a while back as well. It always seems like there are just more and more channels of NOTHING! We watch a few shows still, but they’re online and we can watch them when it’s convenient in our schedule. I’m not sure what a Brazilian Butt Lift is…not sure I want to know honestly!
It was amusing to discover that she has 300 channels of nothing to watch. Give me DVDs any day.
Ha- in that case I could really use a GoJo- my cats are constantly wanting me to hold them when I’m trying to do other things.
Side note- planet earth is spectacular. I get mesmerized like an addict at hypnosis therapist when I watch that show.
It IS spectacular. The fun irony was that my mom has the entire boxed series, commercial-free. And I still watched the TV.
Haha… commercials introduce us to great life-changing additions- like ActivOn.
Lol! My husband and I cut cable once I stopped working to stay home with our kiddo, and we miss it every day! BUT, I do remember very clearly having 300+ channels, and nothing to watch.
Having Netflix helps. 😉
We’ve thought about Netflix at our house, but I am waiting to see how they manage their business for a few more months. They were not quite in touch with their consumer base last summer!
The streaming shows and movies for $7.99/mo is an excellent deal. I’ve been re-watching the entire Frasier series, no commercial interruptions 😀 Not all movies are available, but there are tons of suggestions which are curtailed to your personal interests. And you can stop it any time. They have 4 seasons of Mad Men! Cooking shows! Gone with the Wind! Have you tried the one-month-free offering yet? One word: addictive.
Hands free eh? We have surpassed technology of the Jetsons !
I still want the robot maid, though.
Hilarious! But you left out the twenty channels devoted to food you’ll never cook/eat/locate at the grocery store.
Oh, gosh! I need to go back and visit my mom, then. I didn’t see a single cooking show in the lineup. Maybe they had weird names and I only thought they were infomercials.
That’s it. You’re cut off, Missy.
No! Please! I need this stuff!
I see what I’ve been missing too! Because I missed reading this post yesterday, and now I have to settle for laughter a day late. Now picturing you in your Moo-Moo… 😉
Who needs cable when we have 400,000 blogs on WordPress? I could use a GoJo type thing to read my blogs for me as I do something else (like organizing the coats on the eliptical trainer).
I liked the cat hair line.
I love this. And, I just gave your blog one of those spread-the-blogging-love awards. It is today’s post on my blog if you want to see what I had to say about you…
Cheers!
Thank you so much!
We cut cable six years ago and I really don’t miss it. Every so often I worry that I’m not up on my reality TV characters and someday it will come back and bite me — come future editions of Trivial Pursuit, for example.
We have three editions of Trivial Pursuit and a Harry Potter version. I don’t feel the need to invest in any newer editions. I’ll live in the trivial, trivial past.
My children enjoyed life with cable for a brief 2 or 3 years (several years back.) The only programming they really missed was found on the Discovery channel, which they binged on in hotels during vacation. (I don’t want to see _________, Myth Busters is on!) Today, Netflix rounds out our homeschooing curriculum and fills the cable void, all for a bargain 8 bucks a month. And, without the commercials– Dangit! Seems I’ve been missing out on a lot of great stuff, too!
Life is far less interesting without someone trying to sell me something.
So funny! You are great! Thanks for the laugh!!
I was wondering why my butt was lifting itself.
Of course, every time I’m using my laptop I’m really thinking, “this is nice and portable and all, but I wish I could duct tape it to the side of my head. Thats ULTRA portability.”
That is what I have been saying all along.
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