I See What I’ve Been Missing

We cut off cable a few years ago when we moved to our new house, and we never bothered to have it hooked back up. After a Saturday at my mother’s house with access to 300 channels, I am now discontent with my life. We need cable.

I was there to take care of Mom following her surgery. But apparently post-op patients tend to take a lot of naps, which left me in control of the remote. Such power! I skimmed through that awesome and amazing TV guide channel and discovered the most amazing things. I found an educational program called “Brazilian Butt Lift” on the ABC Family Channel. As the old adage goes, “Families that lift their bum-bums together go to therapy together,” and who wants to stand in the way of that?

I scrolled through more channels and found about fifty more workout programs. I didn’t bother. According to a fellow blogger, I would actually have to do the exercises in order for them to help. As if.

And there were a few dozen home improvement programs. Watching a team come in and knock out half of the walls, paint everything green and purple, and spend large sums of money on weird bits of furniture is good fun. The families are always so excited about that latch hook Dogs Playing Poker rug in the living room and the velvet Elvis on the bedroom ceiling because it’s all in such good taste.

I finally settled on Planet Earth, a nature series with spectacular cinematography. And even better commercials. I timed it. Three minutes of commercials for every five minutes of programming. You know what that means? Too much programming. I found that I have been missing out on a lot of great stuff.

I need a GoJo. It’s the truly hands-free headset, and I need to use my hands less. And I want one for the whole family. We don’t have cell phones, and I only voluntarily make one phone call a week, but we need this thing. With this device, I could do back flips and carry my five pound laptop without even using my hands. I have always wanted to be able to do a back flip.

And there was this sticky roller thing used to get pet hair off of clothing. They said that buying their product could save me $100 a year, and who doesn’t need extra cash? But here’s the sad part. Vince promised that if I called within the next 20 minutes, he would double my order, but they couldn’t keep the offer going all day. And apparently he meant it. I couldn’t find the phone, and they never ran the ad again.

So here I sit, sad and still covered in cat hair, unable to lift my Brazilian Butt off the couch, and still using my hands to hold things. I am way behind the modern world. I may never catch up.

Dude, with a GoJo, you could be holding that cat hands-free. I swear!


41 thoughts on “I See What I’ve Been Missing

  1. Haha, had the same experience last month when Hubby got his knee replaced… We don’t have channels either–even the Basic–and we decided we don’t miss it… Though of course we channel surfed for the entire three days at the hospital 😉

  2. I don’t have cable either – my poor deprived brain. Funny how when you finally get around a tv again you start watching anything and everything that comes across that screen in a trance-like state…

  3. We ditched cable a while back as well. It always seems like there are just more and more channels of NOTHING! We watch a few shows still, but they’re online and we can watch them when it’s convenient in our schedule. I’m not sure what a Brazilian Butt Lift is…not sure I want to know honestly!

  4. Ha- in that case I could really use a GoJo- my cats are constantly wanting me to hold them when I’m trying to do other things.

    Side note- planet earth is spectacular. I get mesmerized like an addict at hypnosis therapist when I watch that show.

      • The streaming shows and movies for $7.99/mo is an excellent deal. I’ve been re-watching the entire Frasier series, no commercial interruptions 😀 Not all movies are available, but there are tons of suggestions which are curtailed to your personal interests. And you can stop it any time. They have 4 seasons of Mad Men! Cooking shows! Gone with the Wind! Have you tried the one-month-free offering yet? One word: addictive.

  5. I love this. And, I just gave your blog one of those spread-the-blogging-love awards. It is today’s post on my blog if you want to see what I had to say about you…


  6. We cut cable six years ago and I really don’t miss it. Every so often I worry that I’m not up on my reality TV characters and someday it will come back and bite me — come future editions of Trivial Pursuit, for example.

  7. My children enjoyed life with cable for a brief 2 or 3 years (several years back.) The only programming they really missed was found on the Discovery channel, which they binged on in hotels during vacation. (I don’t want to see _________, Myth Busters is on!) Today, Netflix rounds out our homeschooing curriculum and fills the cable void, all for a bargain 8 bucks a month. And, without the commercials– Dangit! Seems I’ve been missing out on a lot of great stuff, too!

  8. Pingback: Low-ku | snobbery

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