In The Name Of Fitness

My husband saw it first, standing in all its dusty glory at the church rummage sale. A marvelous piece of machinery – a Nordic Trac elliptical trainer. How could anyone let this baby go?  At its unbelievable bargain price, we bought it. There was only catch. Actually, there were three of them; our children. We had too many to get our family and our new machine in the van. We tried to give them all a child away, but there were no takers. I would be forced to return to fetch my prize on the morrow. And so I did. Now you can follow the timeline as my fitness dreams come closer to fruition.

11:00am – Locate treasure. Discover with great joy that it has wheels, so moving it will be almost effortless. Two guys offer to help, so it’s even easier! Whole new levels of physical fitness await.

11:05 – Open back of van. Crane neck to one side, and then the other. This is not a warm-up stretch. This is the slow realization that this machine, which measures five and a half feet tall,  may be too big for the van.

11:07 – Remove 75lb seat from the van in an effort to fit the elliptical. Discover stash of bunny crackers and miscellaneous crumbs sufficient to feed a starving nation. Die of humiliation.

11:08 – Realize that there is nowhere in the van to store the dislodged seat. It is heavy, and now it is also loose.

11:10 – Watch two guys struggle to get the machine stowed in the vehicle. Do not wonder how a lone female will remove it when the time comes. Doubt is fatal.

11:20 – Admit that it is not actually possible to close the hatch at all, and the only way to get it home is to drive with the back entirely open. Be very brave as the machine is secured to the van by the grace of God and a strategically placed bungee cord.

11:25 Rummage through a bag of Goodwill donations in the hopes of finding a red cloth to tie to the open door, which protrudes four feet. Find nothing of the sort. Pink striped polo, it is. Off we go.

11:30 – Try to forget that the only thing stopping the loose seat from leaving the scene is a 150lb piece of exercise equipment that is held in place by a giant rubber band. Gravity is not on our side. Avoid hills and imagine buff and beautiful new physique.

11:32 – Begin to wonder why husband insisted on buying this stupid machine in the first place. Consider looking for new man who likes his woman fluffy and weak.

11:37– Try forget that there is no way to actually get home without scaling hills that make K2 look like a prairie. And there is a heavy seat floating around unsecured in the back.

11:39 – Beg Squish not to throw the toy he is holding onto, even though he asked nicely. Try to describe said toy getting sucked out of the van, never to be seen again. Small son not convinced.

11:45 – Breath sigh of relief as the driveway appears. Elliptical machines really are good for the heart. It never stopped pounding the entire drive home.

Not mine. Know how you can tell? All of my walls have fingerprints. And I'd never work out in front of a window. Like, ever. Got this pic from wikipedia.


Stay tuned for Part II:Getting the Ever-Loving, Stupid Machine Into The House And Abandoning It In The Living Room Because The Wheels Didn’t Work And It Was Too Heavy To Move Anywhere Else.


40 thoughts on “In The Name Of Fitness

  1. re: 11:39

    Tell Squish that Hairy Gene lost her favourite Care Bears book out the window when she was about his age…on the freeway…and watched with tears in her eyes as the wind whipped it away. Further sadness occurred when she realized that her daddy wasn’t going to buy her a new one. 😦

  2. Yep, you got a major cardio workout just from getting your new exercise contraption home. Wishing you the best on your quest to get buff, and looking forward to hot string bikini pix this summer! (kidding!) 🙂

  3. Too cute! And way too familiar. I purchased an eliptical on a whim once. Used it twice one time while drinking a beer and eating a brownie. Shortly thereafter it disappeared. My Husband gave it to a contractor that was Doing some work for us! Ha.

  4. Hilarious! Sounds like you got a workout from your purchase anyhow! Look forward to reading the adventure of getting it indoors. I am thoroughly convinced that the elliptical machine is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (or at least one of them will be riding one)!

  5. Thank goodness in my quest for fitness, the largest thing I’ve brought home was stepping blocks! Sounds like you got a good workout getting that machine into your van – can’t wait for the rest of the story!

  6. Ah, Squish I can relate! Its so exciting to go with mom to pick up things that require an open hatch while driving – the thrill! Until mom says you can’t sit in the back near the hatch and watch the road blur past. Then its a just another car ride…

  7. So funny! I like to keep all exercise equipment far away from house. I use my lack of machinery as an excuse not to exercise. I’m staying away from church rummage sales now, lest I find a large metal friend of my own.

  8. Ah, the elliptical machine. I’m glad that picture isn’t actually your new machine or else I’d feel weird telling you I just laid my head on my monitor and caressed that image. Enjoy!

  9. This one had me laughing OUT LOUD – especially the comment about the picture re not working out in front of the window!! So true! Can’t wait to read part 2!

  10. Went through the exact same fiasco with a treadmill when I “scored a bargain” on ebay.

    Addition: we live on the 2nd floor, no lift.
    AND: place we picked it up from, the guy was asleep inside for 30 mins til his friends turned up and unlocked the door and woke him up = extra $150 to my moving van costs.

    Conclusion: not so much a bargain and now am guilted into using it therefore creating achey knees.

    Hope you have better luck!!

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  12. I so laughed out loud – We just did the SAME thing – but I made my husband come with me – minus the toddler – but add a snarky teen giggling under his breath, if that’s what teen boys do, cause he knows us… 30 days later, My husband has used it about 4 times and me – 0..:D good luck!

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