Your Comprehensive Guide to Passive Aggression, Volume II

For those who didn’t get enough ideas the first time around :

Turn off the coffee pot about ten minutes before you expect them to refresh their cup. The coffee will be barely warm enough to melt the sugar. Not enough to drink.

Put their rain jacket in your trunk on the rainy day you leave for work early. Husband swears it’s an accident. We know better, don’t we?

Serve meals you know they don’t enjoy. As a preemptive strike for those with passive-aggressive partners, it’s important to lay some false trails as to what you really like.  Eat that fried liver with gusto if you never want to see it again.

If your significant other gets up before you do, set the clock ahead. Fifteen minutes or two hours, it’s up to you.

Begin the morning by saying “Are you really going to wear — never mind. You look great!” Cock your head and stare at them whenever they are sure to notice.

Mismatch their socks. This is particularly effective if they dress in the dark. They will never realize that they are sporting one black, and one navy blue until their boss points it out in the middle of a business meeting.

Repeatedly flush the toilet while they are in the shower. Only considered passive-aggressive in homes whose plumbing dates to this century. The goal is to monkey with the water pressure, not leave second-degree burns.

Give the toddler a long nap and a Mountain Dew when you’ve got plans for a night out with your friends.  Use this tip with caution, as it sometimes takes a caffeinated toddler two to three days to come down from their high. Best used when going away overnight. And if your plans fall through, go anyway. I cannot emphasize this last part enough.

Write a series of blog posts on passive-aggression that you would never have the heart to actually follow through on.  And leave them to wonder.

Find their secret stash of hidden goodies  And move it. No, don’t eat it!!! Are you crazy? Sorry. You know I don’t share, right? You don’t even have to move it to an entirely new location, although that can be fun. Just slide it over far enough that they know their security has been breached. Maybe even rearrange the remaining Russel Stover dark chocolates that are hidden in the dresser drawer. I may have just said too much. I, um. I gotta go…

Sorry 'bout the cake, Daddy. Mommy goin' bye-bye.

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56 thoughts on “Your Comprehensive Guide to Passive Aggression, Volume II

  1. Hold doors for people who are far enough behind you that they feel a need to run a little to use your door-holding even though they would have preferred to just open then door themselves and not have to run.

  2. The coffee pot. That is accidentally done quite a bit in this house. IT TURNED OFF BY ITSELF, IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU DIDN’T GET DOWN HERE IN TIME!

    This does not make any difference with my coffee, though. I’m perfectly content to drink cold coffee since I don’t use sugar in it.

  3. I can’t use the mismatched sock suggestion – my boyfriend already mismatches his socks on purpose which as a slightly OCD clothes folder I find totally boggling. But I’m liking the toilet flush/shower method and the blog posting idea too!

  4. I think it takes a *special* husband to be peeved by the mismatching of socks.

    And mine is indeed special.

    It’s not really the coloration of said socks, but the mere sensation that they come up to different heights on his thighs that would drive him bananas.

  5. My husband is partially color-blind and can spend 10 minutes trying to decipher navy versus black. The mismatched sock tactic is just too evil for words. I think I’d go straight to hell.

  6. I thought of one – asking your husband after he grabs a clean coffee cup from the dishwasher, fills it, and takes a few sips, “Oh, did you run the dishwasher last night?”
    Or did I get that idea from you?

  7. Initially I read it as “Put your coat in your spouse’s trunk on rainy day” which could work well, too. When they swear they didn’t know it was there, you act hurt and offended that they’d not only leave your coat there when you need it, but then lie about it…?

  8. I love all of the suggestions but I wish I had known you when my kids were toddlers because I would have used that long nap and Mountain Dew suggestion just for grins and giggles. Very funny!

  9. My version of the meal thing, is to announce you’ve made something the kids wanted for dinner – not only does it make it hard to complain, but it usually forces an insincere “oh great, mac & chesse!” (its the cherry on top !)

  10. This post is hilarious! 🙂 BTW, the nap tip, my husband did it to my, kind of. I went out for two hours in the afternoon, and my tot fell asleep right after I left, and woke up right before I came. So, my husband didn’t get a taste of how really is at home with the kids. Oh, well! 🙂

  11. Pingback: All That Glitters ….. « Memoirs of an Evil Stepmom

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