I woke up in a bad mood this morning, and I thought you might like to join me. I’m not expecting you to drop your sunny outlook at a moment’s notice just so that I don’t feel all alone in my grouch-itude. That would be crazy. Instead, I have provided a list of excellent reasons to be in a crummy mood. Simply choose one (or more) and embrace it like a brother. A brother who stole your baseball glove and left it at the park after practice so a neighborhood dog chewed it up.
Pollution: I had a professor once who told my class that whales produce far more pollution than people could ever hope to. This may or may not be the same professor who claimed that protein is the nutrient most lacking in American diets.
But he had a PhD, so I would never dare to question him. This notion bothers me on more than one level. First of all, who are those whales to be dropping their McDonald’s cups and all over the bottom of the ocean? Second, are we going to let those plankton-eaters think they’ve got the jump on us? We can out-pollute them any day. Who’s with me?
Swine Flu/Bird Flu: It’s upsetting to think about these poor animals hacking and coughing and calling in sick. When a pig doesn’t show up for work, the price of bacon soars, which affects all of us. ALL OF US. Even worse are the ones who don’t call in and make everyone sick because they don’t want to take time off. Selfish pigs.
Republican Primary Debates: This year’s debates have been televised for the last couple of months, and they must stop. There is nothing worse than having good shows preempted by some lame program where every participant calls every other one a liar. But no one throws a chair or finds out who their real daddy is. Rather than a debate, they should televise a Republican Cage Match. I’d tune in for that. Until then, keep the debates off network television and in the alley where they belong! .
American Idol: This show will be the death of us all. Literally. Every time viewers text in to vote, they are giving the robots too much information on how we think and make important decisions. Before we know it, they will be making the decisions for us, thus commences the robot apocalypse.
Downton Abbey: It has taken far too many episodes for viewers to learn the dog’s name. The dog needs a better agent. He is an integral member of the cast, and I am sure that he can plot with the best of them. On the library rug. Or Thomas’s shoes (that’s where I’d do it).
Justin Timberlake: I just heard on the news that today is his birthday. He’s thirty-one. Do you really be happy in a world where Justin Timberlake’s birthday is considered news?
Now, do you take lemon or milk?
If hanging out in Grouchland isn’t your thing, I understand. Pay a visit to Snobbery. It’s Trashy Tuesday, which is guaranteed to lift the spirits. I’ll meet you there.
photo credit: http://upload.wikimedia.org