I woke up in a bad mood this morning, and I thought you might like to join me. I’m not expecting you to drop your sunny outlook at a moment’s notice just so that I don’t feel all alone in my grouch-itude. That would be crazy. Instead, I have provided a list of excellent reasons to be in a crummy mood. Simply choose one (or more) and embrace it like a brother. A brother who stole your baseball glove and left it at the park after practice so a neighborhood dog chewed it up.
Pollution: I had a professor once who told my class that whales produce far more pollution than people could ever hope to. This may or may not be the same professor who claimed that protein is the nutrient most lacking in American diets.
But he had a PhD, so I would never dare to question him. This notion bothers me on more than one level. First of all, who are those whales to be dropping their McDonald’s cups and all over the bottom of the ocean? Second, are we going to let those plankton-eaters think they’ve got the jump on us? We can out-pollute them any day. Who’s with me?
Swine Flu/Bird Flu: It’s upsetting to think about these poor animals hacking and coughing and calling in sick. When a pig doesn’t show up for work, the price of bacon soars, which affects all of us. ALL OF US. Even worse are the ones who don’t call in and make everyone sick because they don’t want to take time off. Selfish pigs.
Republican Primary Debates: This year’s debates have been televised for the last couple of months, and they must stop. There is nothing worse than having good shows preempted by some lame program where every participant calls every other one a liar. But no one throws a chair or finds out who their real daddy is. Rather than a debate, they should televise a Republican Cage Match. I’d tune in for that. Until then, keep the debates off network television and in the alley where they belong! .
American Idol: This show will be the death of us all. Literally. Every time viewers text in to vote, they are giving the robots too much information on how we think and make important decisions. Before we know it, they will be making the decisions for us, thus commences the robot apocalypse.
Downton Abbey: It has taken far too many episodes for viewers to learn the dog’s name. The dog needs a better agent. He is an integral member of the cast, and I am sure that he can plot with the best of them. On the library rug. Or Thomas’s shoes (that’s where I’d do it).
Justin Timberlake: I just heard on the news that today is his birthday. He’s thirty-one. Do you really be happy in a world where Justin Timberlake’s birthday is considered news?
Now, do you take lemon or milk?
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If hanging out in Grouchland isn’t your thing, I understand. Pay a visit to Snobbery. It’s Trashy Tuesday, which is guaranteed to lift the spirits. I’ll meet you there.
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photo credit: http://upload.wikimedia.org
I’d like mine with milk and Splenda, please.
But before I sit down, I’d better hop over to Justin’s fan page and leave him a birthday wish. Maybe even start a twitter challenge to get him more tweets today than Ashton Kutcher.
Ditto–except I think I’ll sit on Justin’s doorstep and offer a personal birthday greeting. I’ve never tried stalking and I think it might be fun to change up my routine.
I’ll be back for my tea, Cliche. I take mine with a little agave and milk, thank you.
You will have to share the doorstep with me, of course. It’s my job to wish the stars a happy birthday.
Splenda. Uh-huh. Got just the thing for you here.
Awwww! ❤
I'm still fine-tuning today's post, though, so people may be disappointed for a while. I guess you can add that to the list?
Disappoint. 😦 NOW I’m in the depths of despair…
I linked to my very, very favorite Trashy Tuesday post. No disappointment.
I wondered why that particular post popped up. Excellent choice!
You two are gonna make me all blubbery. ❤
I’ll take mine with scotch, thank you very much. I’m embracing my discovery of a run in my hosiery that threatens to have me looking like Courtney Love by the end of the day. Nice.
Off with the hose! Bare legs are still in aren’t they?
I sure hope so. I’m not even sure I OWN hose anymore. Apparently I was not brought up right.
If I hand you the scotch, maybe you can ACT like Courtney Love, too.
I called Verizon for a really stupid problem, I realized it when we started talking the rep and I. Oh, well, I mean she knew it was TN…so there’s not a huge expectation from us barefooted cousin kissers anyhow. Loved the post!
I prefer to make my stupid mistakes as publicly as possible. I find people expect less of me when they think I’m a moron.
Oh, I am so with you on the debates, but I will watch the voting results tonight to see which one is chosen as Ringmaster.
I love Downton Abbey. Who wouldn’t like a show which opens with a view of the dog’s butt? Yesterday I saw a question as to which woman is more despicable–O’Brien or Vera Bates. I’d let the dog bite both of them, then move on to mauling Thomas.
Do you think I’m too wrapped up in the show?
Yeah, I think JT’s birthday is the one that put me over the edge. Misery, move over and bring me a fluffy pillow!
This made me LOL! Thanks. You are awesome! 😉
Thanks for stopping by!
Ugh, I’ve had acid reflux all morning and this was just what I needed. Misery loves company.
That was one of the least fun things about pregnancy. Hope it passes soon!
Reblogged this on Business Satire for Grown Ups.
I wonder if your professor knew my sorority housemother, who refused to serve milk regularly because “Americans get too much calcium.”
I bet they subscribed to the same newspaper.
Newt Gingrich has my baseball glove, that bastard!
I always suspected that about him. I hope it is mentioned in Florida. Spring training is about to start, and all.
I’ll take my glass with enough sugar to kill a cow and a slice of lemon please. And a Republican Candidate cage match, please!!
Done!
Sorry that you’ve been in a bad mood, but at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor! 🙂 Hope that maybe you’re feeling better now.
Thanks, Chris. It has actually been a pretty great day. And I get to go out later for a walk with a friend.
OMG i thought the same thing about the dog when i saw the series!!!
good catch 😉
I take milk and sugar, usually. I’ve been having a particularly miserable week, though, so if you don’t mind…. can you make mine a hot toddy?
I don’t have a Todd. I can find a Steve, Mike or David, though. Will that work?
I once read a “fiction” book called Whales on Stilts. It was about whales on stilts. Not only were they on stilts, but they had lasers on their heads. And they were trying to take over the world. Now I know the book is based in fact.
I snorted tea out my nose reading this! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
It is definitely based on fact. If my professor had had the time, I am sure he would have told us about the lasers.
Thank goodness I live in Australia, without a TV, and in a natural environment… Very partial to tea though, and happy to join you anytime. Make mine chai. No, actually, I’ll make YOU one. Sounds like you need it. Hope you feel brighter soon. xx
Thank you! It was a fantabulous day. I just got back from the used book store. I spent less on books than I did getting chicken nuggets for my son, and I got ten books.
I’ll take two lumps of sugar please. Then I would love to start a group to complain about my parents. Not anyone else’s just mine.
Two lumps, it is. Feel free to complain about your parents. My kids complain about theirs all the time.
Oh BE STILL, my beating heart-Downton Abbey- (Heavy Sigh)
Wait, what IS the dogs name?
And now that Matthew can’t re-produce, what happens to that damned ‘End Tail’??? Those women may actually have to learn how to (GASP) dress themsleves if they are left penniless- who will put their jewelry on for them?? Is there NO justice in this cruel world of ours?!?
The dog’s name is Pharoah. See! I told you he needs a better agent!
I’m not sure I want to be in a world in which JT is 31!!!
I know. He’s supposed to be twenty.
How bout a touch of brandy, please. I missed this yesterday, being in such a bad mood I did not turn on my laptop for fear of leaving nasty little f -bombs all over non-deserving blogs. (the result of a non-sleeping child). I agree, American Idol must be up to something sinister, it cant REALLY be about the amateur singing !
How about I pass the kid the brandy. Then they might sleep. Mine has given up sleep, as well. I could cry.
For the love of Benji, what is that damn dog’s name? You’re absolutely right. I can’t believe I didn’t realize that he has no name. Unless I’m just not paying close enough attention and paying too much attention to Matthew’s dreamy eyes.
He IS adorable, isn’t he! The canine companion’s name is Pharaoh.
Is there a dog on Downton Abbey? I forgot, what with all the mayhem going on.
I’m all about the coffee unless the tea is iced or has vanilla in it!
But have I mentioned I love how you write? Because I do.
I laughed outloud by the idea the dog needs a better agent.
Hey Heather. Feeling down in the dumps, huh? You made very valid points & arguments. My fave being SELFISH PIGS, hehehe….Hope your mood lightens up in no time 🙂
As a vet, you should create a public service announcement encouraging those selfish pigs to CALL IN SICK!