I Will Rule The World!

You may already know how I feel about Pinterest. And I can help you understand Facebook. I don’t have a cell phone, so I guess I can’t use Instagram. Which of course means that I now really WANT to. But I’ve discovered a new thing that I want make a part of my life. Klout.

Ever since I started on Twitter, I’ve seen mysterious tweets “So-and-so earned +K for pants-zipping (I’m pretty sure, but it might have been for blogging or dog-walking)! ” And I think “Yay for pants-zipping! And potassium!” Imagine my surprise when I discovered that +K has nothing to do with eating bananas, though there might be a category in there somewhere for best banana bread maker. It all has to do with influence. On the internet. Count. Me. In.

I discovered today that not only can a numerical score tell everyone around me (who follows likes klouts on me, or whatever it is you do) how very important I am, I can also get free stuff! Who wouldn’t want that? I can get stuff like this:

Person of Interest SCREEN WIPES! Person of interest here! SO interested! Is that a TV show?

And oh, my gosh!

Who wouldn't need these? Yes, it might slow down the consumption of my food, but they are FREE! And free is awesome!

I looked around, and there are some folks with a lot of Klout.

I want to be as important as these people! And with Klout, I can at least look like I am!

But it does make me a little sad that Lil Twist barely has enough Klout for those plate-toppers. Poor guy! Or girl. I have never heard of him/her, but there they are on Klout! And I am happy to live in a world where Cher packs as much klout as Bill Gates!

Influence is important, and it must be used with great care. How should I influence the masses? Pants-zipping is already taken. What is left for me?


43 thoughts on “I Will Rule The World!

  1. I have 52 Klout and have earned Perks and I’m here to tell you THEY’RE ALL ‘SOLD OUT.’ Every single one of the Perks are full. WTF? I’m giving Klout and checkin in every day and making my presence known all over the worldwidewibe and for what? No more Perks available.


    • I don’t understand it, either. It’s a strange website that measures your influence. No idea what criteria they use or anything else about it, but lots of my friends use it. And I think I should, too. I never pass up an opportunity to be an influence.

  2. OMG and WTF !!! I think I’ve been tramatized. I started the morning with a review of The Secret History of the War on Cancer – uplifting reading, NOT! Next I read a poem about war & rape…I think that was the point?

    And now KLOUT – shoot me now. We’re doomed, we’re doomed!

    Where are the pictures of those damn baby tortoises? I need an infusion of cuteness…quick!

  3. I had to look up plate topper because I needed to know why this invention existed and how I lived my entire life without knowing about it. I didn’t realize it saved one from the hassle of plastic wrap. Can I bestow +k for broadening my worldview and helping me defeat the evil of plastic wrap?

  4. Klout is for people with advanced online ADD. But see, advanced online ADD is different, because people who have it are suffering from a disorder in which they have a serious deficit of OTHER people’s attention – so they compensate for it with Klout As in “When lots of other people pay attention to me, I know they love me, and then I know that I really love me too. Because I’ve got Klout.”

  5. I can not only zip up my pants like nobody’s business, but I’m an expert in tying my shoes in a double-knot AND making little men out of aluminum foil! I can also pull my thumb back behind my knuckles and can (usually) talk for long periods of time without choking on my own saliva.

    Damn, Klout’s just begging for someone like me! Free plate-toppers, here I come! (Also feel free to choose any of the talents I just described if they’re not taken yet).

      • Don’t be discouraged! With enough practice you too can become master of the double-knot. I’ve managed to outdo my 19-month-old cousin! I would actually feel terrible if I was on Klout. I’d pose much too big a threat.

        Hey, is there a category for people who like to raise reptiles? You’d probably get all the Klout points ever in that one.

  6. Hysterical! I am afraid Klout is one of my least favourite things. In fact I tweet about how much I dislike/disagree with Klout that last time I checked Klout had me down as “influential” about Klout. Still laughing. 😉

  7. Pingback: But What About the Pants Zipping? | snobbery

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