House Rules: the Master Bedroom

1) Hot trumps cold. Get a blanket, put on a parka, turn on your side of the mattress cover, but don’t touch my ceiling fan.

2) If you turn off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button, you forfeit the right to get back into bed. Come back and wake me up in nine minutes. If I hit you on the head, don’t take it personally. Understand that you have become my snooze button.

3) Sneaky pokes with the elbow are against all rules of decorum. If you are the first to hear the toddler stirring on a Saturday morning, it is decidedly uncool to subtly attempt to wake your partner by poking them with your elbow while you fake sleep in the hopes that they will get up first. The rules of Toddler Poker are as follows: I will see you one sneaky poke and raise you one Hong Kong Phooey “Hi-ya!”

I don't want to. I have to. So keep the elbows to yourself.

4) The size of your pillow does not dictate the amount of mattress real estate you are allowed to occupy. In winter, mattress division will be 50/50. In summer 70/30, my favor. See #1.

5) For the safety of all involved, if the temperature outdoors is above 50 degrees Fahrenheit and chili was served for dinner, all bedroom windows must remain open the entire night. If you are cold, you are welcome to add more covers. Just try not to ruffle them too much. Sorry about that.

6) It is inadvisable to look directly at your mate upon waking. Leave your glasses on the nightstand until I have time to put a bag over my head. Keep the magic alive. If you ignore all other advice, just remember to avoid direct eye contact. Taking photos to post on Facebook will not be tolerated.

Avoid the eyes, bring coffee, put down the camera.


photo credits: wikipedia, because my husband is a wise, wise man and abides by rule  #6 as though his life depended on it. Which interestingly enough, it does.

64 thoughts on “House Rules: the Master Bedroom

  1. #1 – my husband is the one who loves the ceiling fan – I just tell him not to be bummed when my flannel pi’s come out of the closet.
    #2 – I hit snooze once then turn it off – if he turns his off after that point – not my problem.
    #3 – I got Saturday and he has Sundays – we learned to make a routine early as I didn’t take nicely to the elbow poke either.
    #4 – AMEN!
    #5 – We only serve chili on weekends as my husband will then reside on the couch that night. I don’t want to be suffocated by noxious gas in my sleep.
    #6 – we just don’t usually talk until after coffee.

    Love your stuff!!

  2. Ahem. You haven’t addressed the biggie (perhaps your husband isn’t old enough yet): SNORING. He snores. I don’t. So I don’t get why I must be banished to the couch (or to College Boy’s room when he’s away at school — complete with the creepy teenage-boy decor) because he makes God-awful noise while he sleeps.

    So, #7) Snorer has to leave the comfort of his bed and be banished to the sofa, not the one who’s snoozing quietly on her very own pillow.

  3. LOL.. too funny. I’m lucky I guess. My youngest is 9, oldest is 14, they are self sufficient in the mornings.. Plus my husband works nights so most of the time I own 100% of the mattress real estate, which also comes in handy on them “Chili for dinner” nights.. LOL

  4. HA! I have similar temperature rules for the bedroom. My husband, bless his heart, had a hard time adapting, but it’s not something I will compromise on. 18 years later we have come to an “understanding.”

  5. I feel like we’ve had the Hot Trumps Cold conversation before. I would much rather have a cold room and have to add a blanket than not get to sleep at all because I’m sweltering.

  6. In terms of #3: once the kids are over the age of 13 you’re hard pressed to pry them out of bed in the morning with a crowbar. The problem becomes getting them to where they need to be on time…including school.

  7. I love “hot trumps cold” ! Thanks, this gives me a great base to “tweek” – we definately need a rule to address the alarm situation…I use a clock, he uses his phone & has set the most obnoxious noise/ring tone to wake up !!!

  8. Oh dear…please b nice to my dear brother-in-law…I kinda like having him around…besides…mine would have no one to talk to at the cookouts!!! 😮

  9. BC: Love the rules. Most of them made me chuckle and #5 made me LOL because I can truly relate to it with the hubbie and the chilli bowl. Heaven help us! Fun piece!

  10. Medusa…. That would be me in the mornings for sure. We play Canine poker now because chaos and mayhem are 19 and 13- but the dogs still want to be let out at 4:30am even on the weekends. Cold trumps hot in my house, Im always cold (renauds). Great post!!!

  11. Funny stuff here! 🙂 In my experience it’s not very often that it’s the woman who complains about the bedroom being too hot; it’s almost always me who does, so I like your rule that Hot trumps Cold. I think that you and I would enjoy sleeping together. Lol 😉

  12. Pingback: I Told You So | Becoming Cliche

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