Death to the Gamer Bird

I’m tired. Sleep eludes me for several reasons. For starters, Phoebe, my sweet PBGV, has lost her ever-loving mind. She’s going through yet another false pregnancy and spends most of her time in mourning because she believes she has misplaced her non-existent children. She’s willing to adopt, outside her species even. but the cats are having none of it. Though their rejection cuts her deep, she’s not willing to give up. How many times does someone have to pee in your bed before you realize you don’t belong together? I draw the line at one, but Phoebe is a forgiving desperate soul. Two weeks ago, she was a normal dog. Anyone rising before 7:30am  might qualify for a half-hearted tail wag. From her spot on the couch. Now she’s up all night digging a bed for her babies and despairing of ever having a four-legged lover. Spay your pets, people. Spay them.

It is a sad, dark world without the babies. Even if they are imaginary. Especially if they are imaginary. Won't someone show a Phoebe some love?

Another obstacle to my shut-eye is the heat. The temperature outside is only in the 50s, which is just about perfect for opening the windows and letting the breeze blow. The only trouble with this plan is that our neighbor apparently has hot flashes. The hormonal state of another being doesn’t typically register on my radar unless they are attempting to nurse their squeaky hamburger in my living room. Or if their air conditioner sounds like a Boeing 747 and never stops running. I’m almost looking forward to weather hot enough to turn on my own AC so that I don’t have to listen to hers!

But the number one turd on my poop parade this morning was one of God’s own wild creatures. No, not Squish, but thanks for asking. I’m talking about a bird. I’ll say straight up that I am not a bird person. I can identify all the frogs in my area by call alone, but I wouldn’t know a pigeon from a partridge, so please don’t ask me what kind of bird it was. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want it to shut up! 

It started about 5:45am, and it has a fairly complex call that I might find moderately interesting at any time after my first cup quart of coffee. The first part of its call is a “Yoo-hoo!” pitch, followed up by an echoing trill I would normally associate with Frogger making it to his lily pad on an Atari 2600. Over and over and over and over.

I’m pretty sure this is how species go extinct. The stupid bird is doing a great job of advertising its location, but the incessant nature of its call is leading this normally even-keeled animal-loving individual to wonder how said stupid-bird would taste with ketchup. And a side of rice. And maybe some steamed broccoli. I will let you know tomorrow.


42 thoughts on “Death to the Gamer Bird

  1. Poor poor Phoebe! Couldn’t you catch the blasted bird and give it to her as a child?

    Re videos on WordPress, you either have to cough up the dough for an upgraded service or create your own YouTube account. Once you’ve uploaded the video to YT, you can click the ‘share’ button and embed the code in your WordPress page – they allow you to do that at least 😉

  2. Poor Phoebe!! I’ll be her puppy!! We had a bird last week that sounded like a car alarm, but high-pitch and birdy. It was awful at 6 in the morn! It moved on to terrorize someone else… You, perhaps?

  3. Oh that poor dog, that’s just so sad !

    As for the bird issue, I sympathize – I had a tree outside our window of my last house that we referred to as a “bird condo”, it was just teaming with the happy early risers !
    Have you seen “Failure to Launch” ? Theres a side story where a mocking bird is driving one of the characters crazy, she even goes out & buys a shot gun, its hysterical……it’ll at least make you laugh !

  4. I lived in an apartment that had pigeons roosting on the ledge. That is the strangest, loudest sound- a brooding pigeon. I have no advice for you- but it sure was a fun read. Poor Phoebe.

  5. Hi,
    I feel so sorry for Phoebe it must be terrible for her.
    Sounds like you might be going to have some fun with the A/C wars, maybe it will chase the bird away. 🙂

  6. Poop parade indeed. Poor thing, not one but two inconsiderate neighbors. Why not come up with an annoyance of your very own? Catch the bird and imprison it INSIDE said AC unit (dead or alive)? Or cut the electric cord to the AC unit and use the exposed wires to weld said birds beak shut? Drill a tiny hole in your shared wall and insert a red hot poker and try to raise the temp even higher so she decides to move out. Um… what else. Hmm..

  7. I hate spring for the very reason of birds who wake up in the dark all chipper and chirpy. It is just not natural. Really! And your poor dog, I’m so sorry. But yes, now I know why spaying is important it seems.

  8. Haha! Hope the bird is tasty… and my dog keeps having phantom pregnancies too! I had her spayed about a year ago. She gets really fat, waddles around a few weeks, and we keep looking at her wondering if the vet ripped us off, and then all the sudden she’ll be back to normal. Strangest thing in the world…

  9. I feel your pain – with the neighbor AC and the hooty-hooter. But then, Mot’s snoring often drowns all the background drama. I’m still looking for a good set of ear plugs myself… ;-(

  10. Poor girl! How often does it happen to her, can you stop it somehow or is it too late for an operation?
    Usyaka was operated very early. I always planned to but I never thought we’d do it so early. The first time she started searching for her “four-legged soulmate” it was so horrible that as soon as it was over we picked her up and went to vets.

    I hope that bird will shut up soon 🙂

  11. I look forward to reading your blog always…. and you never disappoint!!! I am truly laughing out loud. 🙂 Keep it coming.

  12. We had doves nesting in our chimney last spring. And these pesky kids whom I’ve taught to show compassion to animals refused to let me use my higher order thinking skills and opposing thumbs to remove the nest. We listened to those things coo for about 6 weeks.

    I hope your story ends better than mine.

  13. I’m very sorry for your childless dog, your lack of sleep and the heartbreak of bird song. Now don’t get mad with my wording there, cause trust me when I say that I can feel your pain, and I’m not being a wise arse (this time) I frequently have trouble sleeping so I can relate. I also can relate to your bird rage, because although this was some time ago, I had an experience very early in the morning with a very large and incredibly loud crow on a tree branch just outside my bedroom window. This crow was loud enough to wake the dead and he cawed repeatedly and incessantly.
    After I had launched the last of my personal grooming products out the window at this evil black feathered curse, who would fly just out of the way of my flung can of deodorant, and then perch right back on the same spot of the same branch and resume cawing loud enough to break the sound barrier, well I ran outside and tried pelting him with rocks. My aim was good, but his agility was just a bit better every time.
    Finally his bird brain decided to fly away, and as I stood under the tree, there was the blessed sound of relative silence… for about 30 seconds, and then from my window above, I could hear my alarm clock going off and announcing that it was now time for me to get ready for a long and sleep deprived day at work.

  14. OH, the poor pup! Can you buy her some small stuffed dogs and try to fool her? I’d suggest eggs, but that might make a mess. Oh, wait, that’s bird babies. Yeah, that bird – kind of annoying, huh? Nature can be so damn hostile and intrusive!

  15. Phoebe, sweet Phoebe. I want to lick her head like Nicki from The Middlest Sister licked her cat. How completely heart-breaking.

    Now to the bird part. Aren’t birds the closest animals to reptiles? Seriously, I saw my childhood pet cockatiel moult and she looked just like an iguana. I’m not trying to argue their case though — they really drive me batty.

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