To the Creators of Bible School Curriculum

Dear friends,

While I have always enjoyed Bible school, there’s always a little room for improvement. There are several different curriculum that my church has purchased over the years, and there are a couple of areas that seem kind of consistent. Here are a few key points where we’re not quite on the same page yet. Come and join me in my world.

Location, location, location! I do enjoy a nice little dance move with  my Bible school songs, but it’s important to keep in mind that many older sanctuaries still use pews. Add a few fast and unexpected toe-touch moves, and it’s likely that one or more leaders will render themselves unconscious when they smack their head on the pew in front of them.

Keep it real, bro. As in, realistic. Preschool games should involve neither rules nor children touching one another. At any time. Ever. Especially at high speeds. Two or three black eyes during a game of freeze tag might be a bit of a downer. Maybe we could play Pass the Ice Pack or Bandage Your Buddy afterward.

Only vampires should sparkle. No craft ever, under any circumstances should require glitter, sand, confetti or red acrylic paint. The church who buys your curriculum will not love you. There is a special place in hell for those who plan glitter crafts. I picture it as a carpeted football field covered and glitter. You’ll be armed with nothing but a whisk broom and a broken dustpan. Good luck with that. The next group will be here in five minutes. Also ill-advised? Anything involving hammers or sewing needles.

The Barefoot Contessa we are not. The snack section of the curriculum should not contain actual recipes. I don’t care if it’s an island theme. No one is getting smoothies. Like, ever. Although the workers may enjoy a nice margarita when it’s all over. If it can’t be purchased at Wal-mart in a stay-fresh pack, it’s not going to happen. Construction theme? Cool, but while the grey Rice Krispy treats do look like boulders, that doesn’t make them appetizing.

Gifts that keep on giving.  Injuries and such. It’s awesome to have something nifty to give the kids at the end of the day, but use the old noggin. A colored pencil that changes colors as you sharpen it? Awesome! But sharpening them before you ship them to us? Are you kidding? Goodbye, hymnals, pew Bibles, thy neighbor’s eye. Hello, emergency room and lawsuit.

.

Thank you for your time, friends.

Listen to Squish. Freeze tag bad. Duck Duck Goose bad. No touchy.


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31 thoughts on “To the Creators of Bible School Curriculum

  1. Sorry, shouldn’t the focus be on bible at bible school?
    Although there is a lot of booze in the bible.
    And begatting. There is a ton of begatting. Everyone is always begatting someone else.
    I think even Cain begatted. What’s up with that?

    (Why no, I’m not a biblical scholar. Why do you ask?)

    • Our craft volunteers shook their heads in dismay this time. And made some adjustments. One craft called for sand to be glued to a picture frame. The craft leader’s words? No. Way.

  2. this just gave me my best chuckle of the day!! Many fond memories of Vacation Bible school were dredged up for comical perusal…great post, thank you! 🙂

    • I think they bought reasonable facsimiles at Hobby Lobby. And they left behind the sand. And the glitter. And anything involving nails and hammers. These are wise crafts people who have actually BEEN around little kids.

  3. Love it! I’m on our Children’s Ministry committee and we just met last week to discuss VBS. I have to say that what amuses me most (Is VBS allowed to amuse me? I hope so, because it does sometimes) is the “catchy” title that reflects the whole theme each year… you know, like “Blast Off with the Bible”, “Cooking for Christ”, “Safari WithThe Son”, “Surfing in the Son-Shine”, etc. 🙂

    As far as “cooking”, if it can’t be made of goldfish or cereal, it doesn’t happen! 😉

  4. The church across the street from our house has an afternoon of Jesus Walking on Water on the Water Slide. I don’t know if that’s what it’s called but I assume so since why else would they be playing on a water slide?

  5. Bible. School. Just can’t imagine those two thrown together at all. But Rice Krispies treats? Oh, yeah, love them but not as brick and mortar.

  6. Awesome,, bring it on – cover that church in glitter, put a bouncy castle in there, hose the kids through the windows. put the teenagers in charge, make jello and play in it! bible school is not how I remember it! Things just ain’t what they used to be c

  7. My biggest chuckle this past weekend was when our friends’ 5-year-old started chanting one of her VBS songs, “No matter where you are, trust in God.” She was on the toilet.

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