Is It Just Me?

It seems my whole life revolves around indiscriminate urination. The seventeen year-old cat, a Squish, and now the refrigerator. I’m not so fussed about the first two. The cat likely won’t be with us much longer and is, at least, choosing places that are easy to clean. And Fireman Squish will one day learn the value of aim. The refrigerator, sadly, is more problematic. When a refrigerator pees all over the floor in the dead of night, it is not a good thing, and the problem usually can’t be rectified without feeding it money calling a repairman. So I did.

And now I have a problem. Not having a refrigerator is inconvenient, but it’s not the worst. On two separate occasions last year, we spent several days without power, air conditioning, showers. We hung out in the living room and read books with our wind-up lantern, lit our gas range with a match to cook our meals. It was like a camping trip with fewer bugs. Not having a fridge isn’t the problem.

Figuring out what to do with the ten packages of hot dogs in the freezer is not the problem. Although having ten packages of hot dogs in the first place may represent a hoarding special problem of its own.  I figure those suckers have enough preservatives to keep them safe for another day. All the chemicals will kill us eventually, but this time they may keep us from being killed. Let’s let them do their job so they can feel good about themselves.

The melting ice cream is a non-issue, as well. Grab a spoon, kids! The breakfast of champions for you!

I haven’t been to the grocery store in a few weeks (I was all set to go today), so there’s not a small fortune in food meeting its demise and requiring replacement.

Here’s my problem. It’s the rats. The rats are always the problem. There are only two of each size rodent left, so I’m not worried about wasting them. It will be feast day for the snakes. I’ll just thaw them out and serve them up.

Here’s the catch. I don’t feed my snakes in their cages. Doing so leads a snake to develop what is referred to in the hobby as a “feeding response,” a nice way of saying your pet snake will attempt to eat you every time you open the cage. Snakes aren’t the mental giants of the animal kingdom. Each time the cage is opened, the snake thinks to itself “Self, I see that the lid is being removed from my kingdom. Do you think we’re about to dine?”  Yes, I believe my snakes think of themselves in the plural, kind of like Gollum, and I’ve heard at least one of them say “My preciousssss.” (Why doesn’t spell-check recognize “Gollum” as a word? I thought the people who created computery stuff were all geeks.)  About half the time, it will guess wrong.

What happens next can range from “Oh, my gosh! Look at this little cutie trying to nibble my pinkie!” to “Oh, sweet Lord! It got me! Call my wife and kids and tell them I love them…” So we train to avoid the feeding response. Removing them from the cage to eat doesn’t create a connection between cage lid and dinner. Problem solved. Except for me. Now I have a new problem.

Severus Snake eats in a large cooler. As in, the large cooler that I store my family’s food in as we wait for a diagnosis on the fridge. Which one of us gets to eat? Eenie, meenie, miney mo. There’s a three hour window we’ll be waiting for the repairman, so not enough time to get ice after the snake is fed, and the rodents may ruin if I wait to feed.

Hungry humans, or hungry snake? Choose wisely.


I know everybody else has run into this conundrum at least once this year. What do you do? It’s not just me, is it?



45 thoughts on “Is It Just Me?

  1. Holy Moly, Cliche! I’m having problems with my fridge too (it struggles to cool properly), but somehow I’m thinking my issue isn’t quite as big as yours. I have no problem drinking my evening beer warm, and the peaches and celery might just make it (I’m betting those dogs will too). And yes, ice cream for dinner is simply delightful! But RATS? Happy to say, none in there.

    Love that photo of your dining serpent. Splendid. We didn’t attempt feed our last one, but we sure had a nice time “borrowing” a pet snake for a bit.

  2. you are right about the spell check thingy.
    Uhm, sorry, I’ve got no advice for you. But I will say, your problem is very unique. And now I learned how to feed snakes properly.

  3. And to think that I almost glossed right over your post today, as your predicament is SO commonplace …snarfle ha ha. I’ve actually had the air conditioner whizz on the floor in the furnace room this summer, twice. Ick. Needed a new condensate pump. Hope yours is a relatively easy (and cheap) fix…before the rats defrost completely. Fingers crossed!

  4. It makes sense that snakes talk like Gollum! As to your conundrum, that’s definitely a unique one. I say take the kids out for sandwiches and feed the snake if it comes down to it!

  5. You lost me at snake. My wife’s worst fear in life is snakes. She sometimes squeals when one comes on TV. This post though was very funny. Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Fridge peeing usually just means you have to clean under the fridge because the fan is clogged with dust. But I’m not actually a repairman, I just know that from experience. It could probably also mean that your fridge is getting ready to give birth to a litter of mini-fridges.

  7. I love the first line of the post. overall, it sounds like you are making the most of a tough situation. Btw, I’d like that breakfast.
    I am not into snakes so I can’t help you with that part.

  8. Hi! I think it may just be you 😉 Is your snake really called Severus Snake? Please tell me this is the case, it would make me so genuinely very happy. As for the fridgey freezery problems, I can empathise: living on a farm, we eat a lot of meat; most of it our own. We currently have four large freezers full to the brim of various meaty products. Also, up here we get a lot of power cuts which as you can imagine isn’t great for people who need to keep freezers running 24/7! Oh, woe!

    I digress. I hope your fridge wasn’t too costly to make well again!

  9. Is that a ball python? My son breeds them. Because they don’t get too big, they’re great pets if you love reptiles. I have yet to acquire one, but I’m wavering….

  10. Not only entertaining but informative! I am about to “adopt” a snake and the feeding response is not something I would have considered. Glad to know, now!
    I love the name by the way, Severus Snake. LoL.

  11. Sorry about your floor wetting and non functional fridge, and the resulting problems it has caused you. Hope that you regain the benefits of refrigeration ASAP.

    I took one look at the pic of your snake enjoying a rat feast right down to the last couple inches of rat tail, and fully expected a collective outcry of shock, dismay, disgust, and even outright terror from your readers, but almost all of them handled it quite well. I guess they come here prepared for that sort of thing, since they’ve gotten to know you so well. Of course there’s no way to count the readers who may have fainted and been unable to comment… Lol

A penny for your thoughts! And by penny, I mean a warm-fuzzy in your heart.

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