I Hereby Declare Myself Queen of the Dictionary

So you can stop using these words and phrases. Like, now.

1) Epic. Talk about a dead horse beaten. It’s original meaning has been all but lost, and no good has come of it. I tried to get a neighbor kid to read Gilgamesh by telling him it was “epic.” No dice.

Suggested substitute: Epoch. Try the Pliocene. When you’re talking some smack, it never hurts to let ’em know you’re about to go all saber-tooth cat upside their mastadon.

2) Preggo. I hate this word. It sounds like an expensive brand of spaghetti sauce. And by expensive, I mean more than the store brand.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and should be referred to by the correct terminology: knocked up.

3) Baby bump. This may be the most innocuous phrase that ever tripped my rage button. It’s too cute, like talking kittens. Talking kittens might trip my rage button, too. Snooty little talking turds.

Suggested substitute: I have none. Just don’t refer to someone’s bloated midsection at all. They’ll thank you for it. I know I will. We don’t congratulate guys on their beer gut, after all.

4) I threw up in my mouth a little. I see this phrase everywhere. And every time come across it, I throw up in my mouth a little.

Suggested substitute: Um, how about just plain old “gross?” A little old fashioned, but perfectly serviceable, and this word doesn’t incline the reader/listener to reach for a barf bag of their own.

5) Chillax. This word puts me in mind of a refrigerated laxative suppository, which is, in my humble opinion, is not remotely relaxing.

Suggested substitute: Poop. Because everyone feels better after they poop, right? “Hey, man! You’re so uptight! You just need to chillax poop!” See? It speaks trippingly.

6) NE word constructed with a mishmash of letrz n numbrz cuz sum1 is 2 lazy 2 type them out. I hate me some text speak. Especially since I don’t own a cell, and you therefore cannot possibly be texting me.

On a related note, I additionally despise reading stuff dat is spelled all wrong like dis cuz it don’t make U sound cool. It make U sound sick, and not in da cool way. I mean, it sounds in my head as though you have a bad cold.

Suggested substitute: Learn to spell and speak properly.

7) Repurpose/upcycle. Repurpose (I know, spell-check, I don’t recognize it as a word, either) sounds all MacGuyver-like and all. Like you’ve made a bomb out of pocket change, duct tape, and a tampon. I find myself disappointed when I learn that you really mean that you’re using said tampon to clean the coffee out of the console of your car. I don’t like words that disappoint me.

I have yet to figure out what upcycle really means. The word implies that something has somehow risen above its station and is better than it used to be. Like the Beverly Hillbillies. I never understood the Hillbillies, either. Upcycle also puts me in mind of a bicycle that only goes uphill, right up into the sky. It makes my legs all hurty.  And since I don’t actually know how to land an upcycle, how would I ever come back down again? I am a little scared.

Suggestion: Stay off Pinterest. You won’t need these words at all.

What words and phrases send you into an apoplectic rage? Just me, then?

67 thoughts on “I Hereby Declare Myself Queen of the Dictionary

  1. You got it at Epic… It is my 6 year olds current favourite word, followed closely by ‘o.m.g’ yes… Spelt out… It hurts..

  2. Awesome. Really gets to me. No, your new flashlight isn’t AWESOME. Neat, maybe. Bright? Snazzy? But no, I’m not awestruck by your regular $8 flashlight.
    And since you mentioned talking kittens… any talking animals (especially labs) and pre-verbal infants with adult voices… make me crazy with rage. RAAAAAGE!!!
    Whew! Feels good to get that out there. Thanks!

  3. I thought number 4 came from Shakespeare. Don’t worry about not understanding thr Beverly Hillbillies. That was on a plain of intelligence that many people weren’t able to reach. Great theme song, though.

  4. Oh man, when I was preggo with my baby bump, I was constantly throwing up in my mouth a little.

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist 🙂 I’m guilty of constantly saying “preggo.” It always makes me think of waffles, which brings me to my happy place.

  5. I am tempted to call this post both epic and awesome. Sorry; you knew somebody was going to do it. I couldn’t agree more about text speak and baby bumps, and I love your new definition for upcycle. As for my own peeves, I really dislike it when somebody tells me that I can or should have a “brand.” Or, worse, that I am a “brand.” Makes me feel like processed cheez food.

  6. I want to cry for #1 and #4 – thank you for saying what I do not have the voice to say. THANK YOU. Can we please please please for the love of find-a-new-word-in-the-English-dictionary add ‘LITERALLY’? Thanks. Side note, ‘thx’ definitely falls under #6 – love that one too.

  7. My generation is so bad for shortening words. As in “I totes saw that, it was supes awk” (I totally saw that, it was super awkward). It makes me cry a little bit inside every time somebody murders a word like that.

  8. I completely agree with you on all of these. Can I just say about the Text-speak though? It’s been around for a long time and I have always hated the USavs and the ToysRUs-es. I never shop at any of them. And I hated Chick-Fil-A long before it was cool for just that reason!

    Good post!

  9. NO, not just you!! The dis iz 2 dope and stuff drives me nuts. I text my daughter’s babysitter sometimes and feel like she must think I’m such an old hag because I use correct spelling and grammar in my texts. It’s habit! I can’t stop it.

  10. I’m guilty of some of these now and again, but I realized it’s in mockery and despair of the downfall of the English language most of the time. I get irritated by text speak – no one needs to say OMG, BRB, or LOL when we’re speaking face to face.

  11. “5) Chillax. This word puts me in mind of a refrigerated laxative suppository, which is, in my humble opinion, is not remotely relaxing.

    Suggested substitute: Poop. Because everyone feels better after they poop, right? “Hey, man! You’re so uptight! You just need to chillax poop!” See? It speaks trippingly.”

    My declaration for sure! Loved it

  12. Amen! With hands in the air “Testify!” for the word Epic which is a favourite in our house. Suddenly I begin to understand why my Mom would cringe every time we declared something “Totally Rad.”

    Also, “totes” and “whatevs” – bad enough to say the whole word all the time and now we have the mutilated short version. Ugh.

  13. This post is genius, except now I’m dying for a post on alternative uses for tampons!

    Also, I’m fairly sure that wasn’t your intention… Oh, well. At least I didn’t leave my comment in text speak.

    • All of those melodramatic phrases just slay me. In the bad way. All I can think of when I hear “perfect storm” is the George Clooney movie. People, he DIED in that movie! Is nothing sacred? Don’t make me relive that pain.

  14. So, in my defense, I only call it “whatimeant2say” because someone else was already using the non-numbered version.
    And, for #5, I recommend “Orgasm”. Much better than pooping.
    Hilarious post!

  15. I agree with the misspelled words like “dis” and “dat” and “wif”(with). Wif is the absolute most irritating. As a matter of fact if someone sends me a text and uses “wif” I lose all respect for them. I am though, guilty of using “U”.
    A term I hear a lot lately that bothers me is the use of “junk” to refer to a penis. Not that I’m all about praising the human body because it’s so beautiful and sacred. I just think the reference is stupid. And I find #4 so idiotic, I can’t even type the phrase at all.

    Funny post.

  16. Couldn’t agree with you more, although I’d add “like”–that word became a converation placeholder from Hell, “like, Dude, why don’t they like my writing–“like” it’s crazy the way I can’t get anybody to “like” see my point of view.” Yikes!

  17. Brilliantly funny! “Epic” and text-speak make me a little frightened for our future. Number four makes me want to disown our oldest son who usually acts it out, too, and often at dinner time.

  18. Oh, wow, that is so true! I have a million of those that drive me crazy. One thing our small town paper has goofed up TWICE. They were reporting over a woman who had turned 100 and referred to her as a centurion. Wow, that’s the oldest Roman soldier I have ever seen. And they did it TWICE remember. This is why I don’t take the local paper.

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