So you can stop using these words and phrases. Like, now.
1) Epic. Talk about a dead horse beaten. It’s original meaning has been all but lost, and no good has come of it. I tried to get a neighbor kid to read Gilgamesh by telling him it was “epic.” No dice.
Suggested substitute: Epoch. Try the Pliocene. When you’re talking some smack, it never hurts to let ’em know you’re about to go all saber-tooth cat upside their mastadon.
2) Preggo. I hate this word. It sounds like an expensive brand of spaghetti sauce. And by expensive, I mean more than the store brand.
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and should be referred to by the correct terminology: knocked up.
3) Baby bump. This may be the most innocuous phrase that ever tripped my rage button. It’s too cute, like talking kittens. Talking kittens might trip my rage button, too. Snooty little talking turds.
Suggested substitute: I have none. Just don’t refer to someone’s bloated midsection at all. They’ll thank you for it. I know I will. We don’t congratulate guys on their beer gut, after all.
4) I threw up in my mouth a little. I see this phrase everywhere. And every time come across it, I throw up in my mouth a little.
Suggested substitute: Um, how about just plain old “gross?” A little old fashioned, but perfectly serviceable, and this word doesn’t incline the reader/listener to reach for a barf bag of their own.
5) Chillax. This word puts me in mind of a refrigerated laxative suppository, which is, in my humble opinion, is not remotely relaxing.
Suggested substitute: Poop. Because everyone feels better after they poop, right? “Hey, man! You’re so uptight! You just need to
chillax poop!” See? It speaks trippingly.
6) NE word constructed with a mishmash of letrz n numbrz cuz sum1 is 2 lazy 2 type them out. I hate me some text speak. Especially since I don’t own a cell, and you therefore cannot possibly be texting me.
On a related note, I additionally despise reading stuff dat is spelled all wrong like dis cuz it don’t make U sound cool. It make U sound sick, and not in da cool way. I mean, it sounds in my head as though you have a bad cold.
Suggested substitute: Learn to spell and speak properly.
7) Repurpose/upcycle. Repurpose (I know, spell-check, I don’t recognize it as a word, either) sounds all MacGuyver-like and all. Like you’ve made a bomb out of pocket change, duct tape, and a tampon. I find myself disappointed when I learn that you really mean that you’re using said tampon to clean the coffee out of the console of your car. I don’t like words that disappoint me.
I have yet to figure out what upcycle really means. The word implies that something has somehow risen above its station and is better than it used to be. Like the Beverly Hillbillies. I never understood the Hillbillies, either. Upcycle also puts me in mind of a bicycle that only goes uphill, right up into the sky. It makes my legs all hurty. And since I don’t actually know how to land an upcycle, how would I ever come back down again? I am a little scared.
Suggestion: Stay off Pinterest. You won’t need these words at all.
What words and phrases send you into an apoplectic rage? Just me, then?