Three Things That Shocked Me Last Week

1) Paula Deen’s mac and cheese recipe.

I love mac and cheese. It’s comfort food that cures what ails. When I discovered that Paula Deen has a slow-cooker recipe, I did some investigating. I found it. I read it. I shook my head. Cheese soup, sour cream, eggs, whole milk. You have got to be kidding me. I could feel my arteries  clogging just reading the recipe. How much fat must it contain? Do you really want to know? Because I know.Dinner conversation for the last week has consisted of me asking my family “Do you know how much fat Paula Deen’s recipe contains?”

Are you sitting down? No, I’m talking to you, dear reader. I know my family is sitting. They’re at the dinner table. Okay.  24 g, or 122% of the recommended DAILY fat intake. Kids, let’s put that into perspective. If I eat a serving for breakfast and subsist on love and sunshine until breakfast the following day, I’ve still had too much fat! Even her “lite” version contains 18g of fat. The US RDA of saturated fat is 20g.  That’s light mac and cheese the way Shamu is a light whale.

I looked around a little more to see if I could find an even lower fat recipe, and I did. Bunches of them. Here’s your cooking tip of the day. Lower the fat content by replacing every single ingredient but the pasta. Some of the suggested substitutions aren’t even recognizable as food. Low fat margarine? Isn’t that something akin to plastic? I think this is a recipe I’ll be better off for skipping. Because it looks delicious.

2) Abercrombie and Fitch.

Hereafter referred to Armpit and Stench. I went shopping recently, and boy has this store changed. When my husband and I were first married, we used to browse the store from time to time. Even then it was too expensive to actually buy anything, but we liked looking. They had cool stuff, sort of a function meets style. Not anymore.

It’s now a total sensory experience.They no longer offer customers a whiff of their cologne. They insist on it. From the moment the store opens, fans blow that pit stench right out into the mall. Before I could actually enter the store, I had to cover my nose. And I may have coughed some. And gagged a time or two. Because I’m cool.

The merchandise has changed some, too. Now the logo appears to be a giant moose. And I do mean giant. I found a lovely grey cashmere sweater that was a treat to the touch, but the lapel sported a two inch Logo. In hot pink. Kids these days are so understated, you know.

The biggest thing (smallest thing) that shocked me was the cut of their shorts. Style meets function? Hardly. There are few functions anyone could perform in said attire without exposing significant portions of body parts that should never see the light of day. Abbreviated? Um, no. Cliff’s notes are abbreviated. These were Morse Code. I am old.

3) Hallmark Christmas ornaments.

I used to work in a Hallmark shop, back before college. Working there was what motivated me to get my tookus back in school. But I liked the ornaments, and I’ve gathered a little collection over the years. I found a Star Wars ornament that depicts Han Solo on a Taun-taun and thought it was the coolest thing ever. Until I pushed the little button to make it talk and it said “See you in hell!” Awww! What a beautiful Christmas-y sentiment! Doesn’t it put you in mind of every holiday reunion you’ve been to in your entire life! Awww! And don’t I want Squish to learn this handy little phrase? I think I’ll buy one! Or two! to give away as gifts. Who needs a brand new GPS for Christmas when a Christmas ornament alone can tell you where to go?

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52 thoughts on “Three Things That Shocked Me Last Week

  1. Nothing says Christmas better for me than damning each other to hell. Sounds like my family.

    Have you ever used butternut squash puree in mac and cheese? It’s in Jessica Seinfeld’s book Deceptively Delicious. It makes it very creamy without clogging your arteries so much.

  2. Love everything about this. Especially Abercrombie & Fitch. Do the teens these days still wear A&F? It was the go-to brand when I was in middle school. It was also one of the first to offer $40 t-shirts. Maybe now that you can get $40 t-shirts everywhere, they’ve lost their edge. Too bad.

  3. I totally want that ornament. I’d have to make sure my kids never pressed the button, though, but my dad would like it. Just like Rae’s Christmas cards last year.

  4. The Abercrombie & Fitch in our mall features a huge poster of a topless male model from the waist up who looks about 14 years old. I laugh at it every time. You’re a clothing store for goodness sake…why wouldn’t you put clothes on your models?!

  5. I second the butternut squash idea for mac and cheese. My kid actually requests it. And he knows it has squash in it, so that’s saying something.

  6. It’s like I didn’t believe you or something. I was at the mall today and popped into the Hallmark store. Yes, they really do have a Christmas ornament that says “I’ll see you in hell!” (I was about to buy it because I’m trying to keep the Han in Hannukah, but it was expensive!)

  7. I love mac n cheese because I have the food tastes of a four-year-old. But Paula Deen is scary. Have you seen her blindingly white teeth? I just . . . those teeth. . .

    And the see you in hell ornament, wow. Did Han have to say anything on his Ton-Ton? How about the comment about how they smelled on the inside, or did people get sensitive about Ton-Ton rights or something?

  8. My friend asked me to wait for her while she tried on something in Abercrombie and Fitch, and after about five minutes I had to lay down on the floor to avoid passing out from the fumes. And I’m 17, their “target market”.

  9. Deen is still cooking like that?! Shame on her – really. My gosh, she must be hankering for a triple bypass in addition to her diabetes problem.

  10. I’ve heard that A&F’s clothing catalogue is nothing short of a teen porn magazine….scary! And when I was in college I had a boyfriend who actually requested that I start wearing A&F perfume, and I almost told him the same thing as that Han Solo ornament! We broke up soon after that…

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