My Saddest News

My coffee pot is dying. Well, maybe it’s not technically dying, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to kill it, which will have the same end result. I have diagnosed the issue, but I don’t think it can be fixed. How do you treat a coffee maker for PMS? I’m fairly certain that’s what’s wrong with it because it seems to be retaining water, and it punched the toaster oven for saying the new filters make it look fat.

I’ve never had this happen before, and we’ve been through a lot of coffee pots. I put in 3 scoops of coffee and 5 cups of water, which should result in a nice, strong, wake-me-up pot of coffee. What I get is 6 cups of weak, watery mess that couldn’t jump start a Matchbox car. Where is the extra water coming from?

My theory is that it isn’t pushing all the water through every time, and sometimes it pees out the extra. The question is how to fix it. I doubt that we can.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s Christmas, right? We could go to the coffee maker store and buy ourselves a nice, beautiful, new coffee pot as a gift to one another. Sounds simple, no? No. It’s going to take awhile before my sweet husband will be able to let go. Right now, we’re navigating the five stages of grief.

Denial – There’s nothing wrong with the coffee pot. We’re simply putting in more water than we think we are. Never mind that I have used the same measuring device twice a day for two years.

Anger– I think the anger is directed more at me than the fates for even suggesting that the Krups may be on its last legs. And my anger is aimed at husband for being so attached to this particular stupid coffee maker. I don’t care about the Krups, just gimme the joe. Even if you have to filter it through a sock.

Bargaining– This is where we’re currently setting up camp. “If we just add a little more coffee to the brew, it will be okay!” Let’s just forget for a moment that I am already adding 20% more coffee than is recommended. And that it costs $15 a pound.

Depression– I think we can rename this one “sleepiness,” and it’s coming soon. When we’re used to about a billion micro-grams of caffeine a day and we’ve been reduced to drinking dishwater, the nap-attacks are just around the corner.

Acceptance- I wish I could say that with this stage would come a visit to a department store to purchase a new pot. Instead, we’ll start the thrift store prowl in the hopes of finding a better coffee pot than we could ever afford to purchase new.


Wake me in about a month.

32 thoughts on “My Saddest News

  1. I’ve lost so many coffee pots over the years, I finally just bought a French press instead. The coffee is amazing, but the downside is that I can only make 3 cups of coffee at a time. Good luck with your coffee-maker!

  2. I am extremely particular about my coffee. I want my coffee from my pot. I won’t even suggest to you my coffee brand and my pot because you need your coffee and your pot. I understand. I grieve for you.

  3. This is heartbreaking. My deepest sympathy to Edward. My coffee pot broke once. I don’t remember much but am told I flew into a blind, sleepy rage and broke most of my empty, empty mugs.

  4. My sympathies on your loss. We are facing a similar dilemma. I insist on having a coffee pot with a removable water reservoir, because I saw a movie about 25 years ago where a woman was electrocuted pouring water into her coffee maker. And I don’t want to be the story where life imitates art, so I insist on this feature. But it’s hard to come by these days.

    We’re not yet to your phase, but we know she’s on life support, so we’re preparing ourselves mentally. Perhaps we can be comforted by your grief.

  5. I’d like to say ‘hilarious’ but the context makes it very wrong. RIP Edward. Not that there’s anything wrong with him. (I hope Edward is the coffee pot).

  6. My husband does the same thing. He was so attached to his “bachelor” microwave when we first got married. No matter that it was probably emitting huge waves of radiation. Also he has a strange fondness for this ancient Kirby vacuum cleaner. Sure it weights 800 pounds and picks nothing up, but it’s STILL GOOD and works fine, I don’t know what I’m talking about!

  7. My dolce gusto machine died recently, of course it waited until I had just stocked up on the pods to go in it ensuring that once i have moved past the grieving process and once more grow weary of normal instant coffee I shall have to buy another, those pods sit taunting me

  8. Hubby is at the denial stage with our dishwasher while I am at the anger stage. It’s not even our dishwasher – it belongs to the guy who owns our apartment & he has offered to replace it. I keep telling hubby get a repairman in to make sure there is nothing fixable, the landlord will pay the bill. If the repairman says it’s got to go then ask the landlord for a new one. I’m tired of dirty dishes & cloudy glasses! Keeping my fingers crossed for you & a new coffee pot. We just got a Keurig not that long ago & I’m enjoying flavored coffee again, one cup at a time!

  9. Where there’s life, there’s hope even if you are drinking mostly hot water. Do not give up the fight. The pot may surprise you and suddenly produce the best coffee you ever had! 🙂

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