It’s that time, friends. Emily at The Waiting has reminded me that we are coming up on Festivus. As an observer of all Seinfeld holidays, I feel bound to honor tradition. Since I’m too lazy for any feats of strength, I’m here to air my grievances.
One of my biggest grievances was an inability to actually choose one. I debated. At first I thought my biggest grievance would be with Amazon for that email suggesting that a Kindle Fire, with all its free books, would be the perfect gift for the kiddies. Even though the vast majority of those free books are erotica, and there’s no way to actually filter that crap out in a search, I have bigger grievances to air.
Then I thought the biggest complaint might be Target and their crummy website with its limited products and lack of free shipping. I cannot order the sink strainer of my dreams, nor will they ship it to me gratis unless I agree to let them track my spending habits forever and ever amen. But I have bigger annoyances.
Was it the notice that the 50 Shades series was voted Romance of the Year on Goodreads? Though I am not sure how I can live in a world where such drivel becomes a best seller, surprisingly, I have bigger complaints.
Maybe my biggest grievance is that I am not the party animal that Squish is. He turned four yesterday, and though my special day is a mere four days away, I’ll never be able to celebrate with the same reckless abandon. He knows what he wants, and he just goes for it, let the chips (and the mustard) fall where they may. See what I mean?
His birthday wish. What can I say? The kid knows how to party.
On my birthday, it is doubtful that I will even find a box I can fit into, much less get someone to make me lunch. Squish lives the good life. No, I will admit, I am a wee jealous, but that’s still not my biggest grievance to air.
Today I am airing my underwear. I was perfectly content with my choice of undergarment until yesterday, when I visited a new store in my town. If we had gone right but an aisle sooner, I would still be happy with my bloomers, but alas, we went to the left, straight into the hunting department. I saw it, and I covet it more than free shipping and lunch in a box. I want Scent Away, the underwear that promises to make me smell invisible.
I don’t know why no one has thought of it before. It’s such an obvious pairing. Smell and invisibility go together like peas and nuclear warheads, chocolate sauce and gym socks, Play-doh and woodwind instruments. Someone put two and two together and came up with this fabulous product. And I don’t own any. It’s not fair.
How can anyone now be satisfied with mere Underoos? Sure, it’s underwear that’s fun to wear, but while we may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, or sling a web from skyscraper to high-rise, those villains have noses. All that leaping and slinging works up quite a sweat, you know. They’ll smell us coming from a mile away.
I could buy a pair of Scent Aways, I suppose. If they made them for women. THEY DON’T! . Stupid, sexist pigs odorless animals! Again, unfair.
Getting dressed is not any fun anymore. Who wants to be a superhero? Superheroes stink. Thanks, Scent Away, for making the unmentionables not worth mentioning. I don’t want to fight pretend crime. I want to smell invisible.
Are there any earmuffs out there that will make me sound weightless?
Squish in a box! He does know how to party.
He really does. I may need to go to Home Depot and get a dishwasher box.
😦
Surprised the cats let Squish have that box.
There are two boxes. The cats get one, and Squish gets the other. We have rules regarding box ownership.
All right and proper then 😉
LOVE Festivus and all things Seinfeld! Celebrating right there with you! I myself did an airing of grievances last Christmas and am tempted to do it again. I’m sure in a year’s time I’ve developed a few new ones 🙂
I love Seinfeld, too. I need to dig through my DVDs and get out the Festivus episode.
😀
It’s been a LONG time since I’ve watched it, so maybe I’m missing something obvious, but… what other Seinfeld holidays are there?
Pretty much just this one, but it demands celebrating.
It’s apparently become cool to not like Seinfeld. That’s just insanity.
And the advantage of Underoos is that I’m pretty sure about 85% of what it takes to transform in to a superhero is the rock-solid belief that you can.
I love Seinfeld. It’s one of my top five favorite shows ever.
Cool! I will put on my Wonder Woman suit and go dodge some bullets!
If not for women, who are these magical undergarments made for? Don’t they know women have the greatest need to remove stench?! This world is cruel and inhumane!
I know. Women need these things. We need them!
Oh, we have Festivus traditions here, too! But, as it is still two weeks away, I’ll start prepping in about a week and a half.
I jump the gun on everything. I was afraid I’d forget my grievance if I didn’t go ahead and air it. Stale grievances stink.
We have written very similar posts today Cliche. Bravo! As a lover of Seinfeld I was flustered that I couldn’t remember Festivus. We also share Hanukkah with Seineld and his buddies… but now I think I’ll run out and get a pole too! I will also add this video to my post and honor Festivus, since the kvetches are already there. 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8g4Ztf7hIM
Great minds think alike! Are you sad about invisible smells, too?
Well, if truth be told… invisible smells are kinda fun. Not sure I want to hide them. 😉
PS) I added a link back to this one though, and the video for Festivus… went perfectly with the post I had up.
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I think I need some of those too. Maybe we can purchase them for each other in the most awkward gift exchange ever?
LOVE that picture! I think Scent Away should sponsor Festivus. Also, let me know when you find some of those earmuffs!
There is nothing wrong with wearing men’s undies, so don’t fret. You can still smell invisible! Now if only they made long johns in invisible…
Will you eat a hot dog in a box, will you eat it with a fox?
Um, I want to climb in a box and have a secret club, now. We can air our grievances in there. Underwear required for admission.
Take it back! Superheros do not STINK! And that’s because they wear their Scent Aways ABOVE all their nether regions so that it traps the smells and hence makes you (smell) invisible. I think the real issue here is how are you going to design your costume to fit your pair of Scent Aways?
Bwahaha I cannot tell you how much of that stuff my hubby owns (not the unddies…at least I don’t think he has the unddies).
I just can’t choose what I like best about this post: Squish in a box, your analysis of Target’s ridiculousness, the even more ridiculousness that someone finds 50 Shades ROMANTIC, or the scentless/invisible underwear. As always, thanks for the laugh!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, where can one find Underoos for adults? I totally want a Wonder Woman set like I had when I was six.
The Target website is the worst! It is so slow to load and I can’t ever find what I’m looking for. Glad you are celebrating Festivus, too. 🙂
I have a box like that at work. It’s called a cubicle. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a hot dog in it, though. MUST try that! Squish is adorable.
I have lots of grievances right now. And I have a new bottle of Tawny Port sitting in the kitchen.
Walking so the balls of your feet are the first thing to hit the floor will make you an (almost) soundless walker. I keep telling hubby this, just like my mother forced me to do all during my childhood.
I think scented underwear freaks me out. When you get some please post about it, I need to know more before I consider investing in such a unique product.
Wow, he looks so darn adorable. I love that kid!
I do not want to smell invisible. Wonderbutt would ignore me, then, and I would be very sad.