Post-Apocalyptic Confessions

It’s Saturday. Turns out the Mayans were wrong. The world did not end yesterday. Stupid Mayans. Now I have to wrap all these Christmas gifts.

At least I think the Mayans were wrong. I had a disturbing experience this morning. I went to a shopping mall, and we found the place nearly deserted. Only one small section of the parking lot actually had any cars in it. We wondered if perhaps the Rapture had occurred and we were left behind. I’m still not totally sure. My Twitter feed is kind of quiet. Anybody left out there?

I really meant to post my confessions for the End of Times before the world was scheduled to end, but what with one thing and another, I never actually got around to it. So here goes:

1) I have lost the ability to wrap gifts. Blame it on age, cheap wrapping paper, whatever. They appear to have been wrapped by a drunken elf. Here’s the actual confession part. With the worst ones, I’m telling people that Squish helped.

2) I went to Trader Joe’s and bought sea salt caramels. And I have subsequently hidden them.

3) In the fall, bears need to consume about 20,000 calories a day to prepare for winter. After yesterday, you can go ahead and call me Winnie the Pooh.

4) I ate a McRibAnd I liked it. I don’t actually need the Mayans. I’m pretty sure the trans-fat and preservatives will bring about my demise on their own.

5) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer confused me. Until I was an adult, I thought the misfit elf yanked the Abominable Snowman’s teeth through his behind. As a result, I have refused to visit an elf dentist all my life.

6) I saw Breaking Dawn 2 at the 10pm showing on opening night. Here’s part of the reason. I owe my sister big. Explained here.

7) I liked Breaking Dawn 2  the movie better than Peter Jackson’s The HobbitLike, way better. That’s not as much confession as saddest thing ever. One of these movies realized the potential of a book whose ideas were creative but whose execution was poor. The other  took a well-written book and squandered its potential.

8) I could live a happy, full life wearing pants with elastic waistbands. See number 3.

9) Christmas is about carbs and corn syrup. Not solely, of course. But all those unhealthy Good Housekeeping recipes from the 1950’s will find their way to my table on Tuesday. Which brings us back to number 3. 

I should aim for 10 things, I know. But I’m afraid that I’ve already shocked my readership beyond recovery as it is.

Anybody want to share their post-apocalyptic confessions?

Maybe this is what Christmas is about?

Maybe this is what Christmas is about?

 

My daily joy: My kids worked together to clean my house last night while I was out finishing my shopping. I am blessed.

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44 thoughts on “Post-Apocalyptic Confessions

  1. Your blog makes my day, I just love it. I bought fancy dark chocolate last week and I wait until everyone is asleep to eat one little piece. I hide the rest and quietly eat my little piece in the bathroom. Wrong of me?

  2. My confessions:
    I hate doing the Christmas tree, like violently loathe the entire procedure, but I paste on a smile and make hot chocolate and my children will never know.

    I have sour patch kids in my purse and a chocolate bar hidden in the gift drawer and candy cane ice cream behind the frozen peas – and I’m not sharing.

    I regift presents. A lot. Cause I’m too lazy to shop. And I’m kind of picky. And I hate to waste another perfectly good set of creams/bath salts/Basket of Avon crap.

    This IS good for the soul. Shhhhh.

    • I have sweet tarts and a Reese’s peanut butter cup in my purse.

      I have regifted before, too. I have also bought a couple of presents at thrift stores (which isn’t as bad as it sounds. They were totally awesome and well-received.)

  3. Your inability to wrap gifts is a sign you too are getting old. Sorry. It’s not inability at all, it’s recognition that life is too short to spend it on something that will soon be torn up. I hate decorating cookies, so I bake a big batch and provide icing and sprinkles etc. On Christmas eve the kids, grandkids, spouses and anyone else except me make a glorious mess that requires a paint scraper to clean up, and results in cookies much wackier than I (with my art degree) would ever come up with. Merry Christmas to you and your family!

    • I could not agree with you more. It seems so silly to wrap the things at all. Which is why my sweet husband always reverts to the old Wal-mart-bag-behind-the-back version of gift wrap.

      You are a genius for delegating the decorating in a fun way!

  4. I love the list. It seriously made me laugh out loud and that is something I really need to do in this pre holiday stress period. If I had a list I guess my biggest confession would be that I will need a full litre of Pinot Grigio to even contemplate Christmas day with my sister and my father. Thank God that I have my husband to see me through…he is a great designated driver! Happy Holidays to you…love your blog, btw. =)

  5. A McRib? Really? I find those kind of scary. With no end of the world in sight, I guess I missed my chance to try one. 😉

    I guess my confession would be that I don’t wrap. Not a thing. Isn’t that why gift bags were invented? I guess I wouldn’t make a good Santa. 🙂

  6. I liked your list. I myself have never eaten a McRib sandwich, although I am thinking I should put it on my bucket list. Something about a food shaped as though it has bones but doesn’t weirded me out. I need to get over myself and try it.

    • Not a chance. I pooh-poohed all objections to there being 3 movies. I loved the first trilogy so much that I couldn’t imagine not loving this one. I even took the Padawan because I didn’t picture Jackson pooping all over this movie.

      It wasn’t you. It was Peter Jackson.

  7. I completely understand your calorie dilemma. Today I convinced my husband to decorate gingerbread houses with me just so I would have the chance to buy – and eat – all manners of candy.

  8. I have a garage full of beautiful Christmas ornaments and delightful craft show collectibles, but these days I put up a 5.99 “Christmas-Tree-In-A-Box” and call it decorating. My daughter is grown and my husband is a humbug, so nobody cares. Takes me less than 5 minutes to put it up and take it down. Done. And. Done.

  9. Loved this post. My post-apocalyptic confession: I haven’t changed the cat litterbox for over six years. Oh, don’t fret. It has been cleaned. My husband completely took over the duty when I was pregnant with my daughter. And then I just sort of let him believe it was still unsafe for me to clean it while breastfeeding. I didn’t lie or tell him this. I just didn’t correct his assumption. And then I had my son. Who I just weaned. At age three. Ahem. I’m running out of excuses now. I think I might need to get pregnant again.

    Phew. I feel better.

  10. I loved your post! My confession – just one: I don’t eat carrots. I don’t like the taste of it fresh or cooked. It has that taste that doesn’t go with my mouth. HAHA. It’s good for the eyes, I know. But since I have an excellent eyesight, I don’t really need it so far. O’well. Anyway, great blog! Hope you’d check out mine? beautifoolnightmares.wordpress.com I’ve posted and would want your opinion. 😀

  11. I’ve read some disturbing things about McRibs. You are very brave. I’m afraid of anything from McDonalds. Several years ago, I was cleaning out a car to turn it it for new. while cleaning, I came across a single french fry. I tried to recall the last time I had fast food in my car. It was months….like at least 5-6 months. The fry was intact. Not deteriorated in the least. That scared me off McDonals for life.

    • No doubt. I never eat at McD because after watching Super Size me, I just can’t. They did an experiment with the fries, and after months, no bacteria grew on them, while the natural fries had been broken down. Someone said “If the bacteria don’t want it, I don’t, either.” That being said, sometimes a craving must be catered to. I am updating my will, though.

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