If Wishes Were Horses, They’d Poop On Your Floor.

I wasn’t going to blog today. Or tomorrow. Or maybe even the next day. But here I am. I don’t usually follow the Daily Prompt, either, primarily due to the recessive you’re-not-the-boss-of-me gene. But here I am. Today’s prompt asked if there was a gift I wanted as a child but never received. You know this story doesn’t end well.

Don’t ask me where I saw it. I don’t know. I was seven. At that age, I perceived that everything in the world came from Woolworth’s, Saturday morning commercials or Tupperware parties (is my 70’s showing? Let me tuck it back in…). But saw it I did, and I wanted it; coveted it secretly. Well, maybe secretly is the wrong word considering I told Santa, my mom, and pulling out all the stops, my grandmother. And maybe Jesus. I forget. Anyway, I asked for it. And asked for it. And what did I get for my troubles? Matching “What the heck are you talking about?” expressions. Because, indeed, they had no idea.

It wasn’t a Barbie for whom I burned with longing. Puh-leeze. My one concession to that franchise was a Malibu Ken, who had a scandalous tan when I took off his swim trunks. And no Strawberry Shortcake for me. Well, not until the following year. Nor did the delicious saltiness of Play Doh hold appeal (have I said too much?). The only thing on my Christmas wish list that year was a sandwich.

It was a thing of beauty this sandwich, the very height of cleverness, for you see, it wasn’t a real sandwich! It was a set of bath sponges made to look like one! I’ll let that sink in for a moment. A sandwich whose bread was a sponge! And whose cheese was a sponge! And whose pastrami…wait for it…was a sponge! What magic was this? And I haven’t even mentioned the best part. This sandwich was merely a stack of adorable absorbency without its crowning glory; a pickle! Made out of soap! A sweet little soapy gherkin just ripe for the scrubbing. It was a thing of beauty, so realistic I could have eaten it. And I wanted it. Badly.

All through the long weeks leading up to Christmas, I begged asked for this bath set. From anyone who would listen. To my mom’s credit ,I’m sure she wanted to encourage my sudden and new found interest in bathing and probably did ask me for details.

“Did you see it at Woolworth’s?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it on TV?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it at a department store?”

“Maybe. Yes! I think so!”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know.

I should have known it was a lost cause, but I didn’t. I hoped. And wished. Christmas morning came, and I did get a sponge. It was in the shape of a large key and came with bubble bath. I tried to find an image online to show you, but all I come up with is information regarding bubble bath and urinary tract infections. Once again, I am disappointed by bath sponges.

So there you have it. My heart was broken by a bath sponge and a soapy little pickle all those Christmases ago. I have never seen that set again, and my heart has never recovered.

Merry Christmas and stuff.

What did you wish for but never got? Just me, then?

56 thoughts on “If Wishes Were Horses, They’d Poop On Your Floor.

  1. Is it possible you dreamed the whole thing? If it existed it should be on ebay, no? All I can imagine is your poor mother going from store to store, Woolworth to Sears, asking for a sandwich sponge set with a pickle for soap.

    And wait—there are prompts?

  2. I had Barbie–and an enormous Barbie wardrobe–but I was never a Barbie girl. Heck, I was never a doll girl. However, I do remember watching a commercial and thinking, “Okay, that doll looks interesting. That doll actually seems to do stuff.”

    Then my mother walked by and said, “That doll is so ugly.” And I thought, “Well, maybe I shouldn’t want it, then.”

    So I never did get that G.I. Joe.

  3. I can’t think of anything I wanted that compares to this story. Best thing i’ve read all day. Laughed out loud in my empty house which made me look around to make sure someone wasn’t wondering what was wrong with me.

  4. This is really pathetic, but — when I was about 6-8, I wanted one of those race car sets with a track and remote-operated cars. I didn’t get it because I didn’t tell anyone that I wanted it, because that wasn’t the kind of thing that girls are supposed to want. The crazy thing is that this restriction was self-imposed — no one in my family would have had a problem with it.

  5. LOL can’t remember really wanting anything specific so I must have gotten everything I asked for… otherwise, I’d still remember. Wouldn’t I… lol. Thanks for the giggles today, just what I needed.

    • I never found anything with “Heather,” either, which is weird because it was the 70s. I can’t imagine trying to find Elyse. At least now you can get anything with your name on it, right? That makes it better? No, it doesn’t.

      • I hardly ride my bike any more and that’s where I most wanted it! Sniff sniff.

        I actually got choked up a few years ago when a friend asked me what it was like to have such an unusual name! So silly what you remember being traumatized by! I wanted to be a “Mary” so that everybody could pronounce it.

  6. When I was three I asked my grandmother for red shoes. I’d just seen the Wizard of Oz. She looked everywhere for red shoes and couldn’t find any. I’m sure I promptly forgot what I asked for, but she felt terrible. Now if it had been my daughter, she would have remembered it. She never forgets ANYTHING. EVER.

    That bath sandwich sounds awesome. I would have wanted it too.

    • That’s the thing. We hunt high and low for the weird things the kids ask for, and then they forget they wanted it. Squish wanted a trumpet. Badly. He got one and h as played it about three times.

  7. I wanted a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet (this was back when they were winning things, like Superbowl 13) and real shoulder pads so I wouldn’t have to push stuffed animals under my shirt to look like a football player. (They always slipped. It’s embarrassing to have a blue stuffed mouse named Hermie drop out the bottom of your shirt when you’re trying to look like OJ Simpson, especially when you are an eleven-year-old girl. In retrospect, it is probably just as well that the dream stopped there.)

  8. I feel your pain. I desperately wanted a sit-n-spin. I believe I made my desire clear to all those who could make it happen, but I never got one. I have never recovered from this deprivation.

  9. Glad to hear I wasn’t the only weirdo who peeked in Ken’s drawers. I just HAD to know, you know? I was always horrible at dreaming up Christmas lists so I took a cue from my spoiled next door neighbor and would just ask for whatever she was asking for. I didn’t take into account that she was the only child of very wealthy parents, so I was shocked beyond shocked that I never got that chromed-out golf cart or giant trampoline for Christmas.

    • My kids can’t come up with a list to save their lives, which I guess is good. Squish wanted a trumpet, the Padawan said “Legos,” and girl-child said “I don’t know.” I’m glad they didn’t take hints from rich friends!

      Maybe one day you’ll get that golf cart. Did she?

  10. I once got a bar of soap with the image of Garfield the cat in the center. I tried to use it carefully, because I was determined to use it all up EXCEPT for the image. You can imagine how successful my efforts were.

      • Well, by the time that happened, I’d already resigned myself to its inevitability, so it wasn’t too bad. The therapy bills are worse. Kidding. Sort of. 🙂

  11. Hahaha Google searches will turn up some VERY interesting results 😛 The only thing that I was turned down was a car for Christmas the year I turned 16. But technically my mom took care of that too because she got me a little toy car just to taunt me. What a jerk!! 😛

  12. You had me at “poop on your floor.” New reader to your blog, loving it. My broken wish was for a Crayloa belt, literally an elastic thing with a giant plastic pastel Crayola crayon as the buckle. Our poor parents, without the aid of the Internet to track down this stuff. Then again, all Google roads do lead to “urinary tract infections”…and such.

  13. I don’t really remember one particular instance where I wanted something and didn’t get it. Not because I always got the things I wanted but rather because I was so used to not getting things. We didn’t have money, so I just didn’t ask much for things. One thing I remember I always asked my mom for and never got was a sister. Does that count?

  14. I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven (because I liked cookies, not because I wanted to reinforce stereotypes). My mother never got one for me, despite my nagging, so, when I was 19, my friend and I found one at Wal Mart for $20 and bought it. We made the cookies, the excitement building inside of us, only to be seriously let down by the taste of sugar cookies baked by a light bulb. Maybe as a kid it would have been better, but maybe that sponge set would have been a let down. (Although the soap pickle sounds pretty amazing). Great post!

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