Why Did I Get Out of Bed?

Breakfast has conspired to let me down.

My husband informed me last night as he was putting on his pajamas that we are out of oatmeal. I shrugged. I did think it was a little odd that he was putting on his pajamas to run to the store and buy my oatmeal, but he’s a boy, and boys are weird. So imagine my surprise when I get up this morning and realize he was putting his pajamas on to go to bed! It’s like our whole lives have been a lie.

I didn’t fall apart. Not totally, anyway. After I swept up the box of Cheerios I threw at his head, I remembered my backup plan.

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law introduced me to an innovative new product called BelVita. I smiled and nodded at first, with no intention of actually eating the things because of this:

That sounds like it might hurt.

That sounds like it might hurt.

I am rather a passive type. I don’t believe I have ever grabbed anything or anyone by their biscuits. My limited knowledge of biscuits is that they are rather fragile things, preferring to be handled gently and never grabbed, lest they fall apart. I left them well enough alone.

Until a few weeks ago, when I discovered these:

Oh, dear Lord! Yes! A thousand times yes! Wait. Did I just accept this cookie's proposal? Maybe...

Oh, dear Lord! Yes! A thousand times yes! Wait. Did I just accept this cookie’s proposal? Maybe…

I bought. I know. I have read the nutritional information, so I’ll save you the trouble of telling me. They’re cookies. Breakfast cookies. Are you thinking I would oppose cookies for breakfast? Have we met? I grabbed morning by its biscuits, and with glee.

Anyway, these bad boys are my backup plan. They are just as good as they look. Maybe better. They have the power to make an oatmeal-less day almost bearable. Almost. Except for this.

If you didn’t click the link, I’ll tell you what it says. Because I like you and want you to live. It’s a recall notice. Issued 11 hours ago. Approximately the same time my husband was hauling on his flannel pajama pants. There’s a connection there, I’m pretty sure.

Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah. Nabisco has issued a recall for two flavors: apple cinnamon, and, you guessed it, chocolate.

There’s a number to call. In a way, I’m glad that they don’t expect me to take it back to where I bought them. I don’t remember where they came from exactly. I have a series of dealers stores where I get them. But they’ve asked us to just throw them away. Let me repeat. Throw them away! Am I going to take this lying down? Am I going to let a few metal bits stand between me and a chocolate buzz? I’ve got fillings. How different can they be, right? Wire mesh, fillings. Same diff.

Okay, maybe I have a problem.

***all images taken from BelVita’s very own Facebook page.

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44 thoughts on “Why Did I Get Out of Bed?

  1. I never run out of food for breakfast, because I eat veggies for every meal. Today it was snap peas, mustard greens, onion, and mushrooms sautéed in sesame oil and soy. Peas and greens picked from my yard, tofu made in my kitchen. It’s how I still have my high school body at 46.

    PS — oh…and coffee. Must. Have. Coffee.

      • That didn’t come out right! Allowing flexibility over the traditional breakfast (donut, pancake, cookie with eggs/bacon) means we are used to eating ANYTHING for breakfast, which really helps when the oatmeal runs out or when there’s no Denny’s on vacation. Being fit is merely a side-benefit of that. And I’d throw the cookies with metal shavings in the trash and get something else, chocolaty or no. There are better ways to get iron in your diet.

  2. I think Shannon above is a health nut and you are normal. Sorry Shannon, at least you are darn healthy–but quit making the rest of us look bad — snap peas, mustard greens, onion and mushrooms sauteed in semame oil and soy–oh please, and you picked the peas and greens from your yard–have this person committed! At least you like coffee–don’t tell me that is healthy too?

  3. I can’t believe that you’d even think about throwing away a breakfast cookie, even if it is recalled because of metal fragments that might tear up your stomach lining.. I mean, how are you going to get that extra bit of iron in your diet? You should be like me and make brownies the night before, eat half a pan, and then feed the other half to your kids the next morning! That will show your husband you are a great mother and provider!

    Or you could feed the cookies to your husband and use him as a test subject. If he survives, then you can feed the cookies to the kids. Of course, if I were you, I wouldn’t risk my own health on metal shaving cookies. I mean that is why you got married and had kids right?

    Have a great day! I’m enjoying your blog!

    • I could never feed these cookies to my children. Because when I get metal-free ones, they’ll expect me to share them. When the kids see them, I’m pretending they are prune bars, for the record.

      • I’m so relieved! I was hoping you didn’t share them with the kids. 🙂 When you have a chance, I wrote an article about raising kids (and bad parenting tips) so stop on by after you feed the bad cookies to your husband. 🙂

    • That’s the kind of person I am.

      When I called their customer service line to get my coupons, they asked me if I had eaten any of them. I said yes. She asked if I had felt, um, anything. “Like an overwhelming sense of rightness with the world?” I asked. She said no, like metal pieces. So they do need me to eat these things. To see where the wire mesh went.

  4. TOO FUNNY! I know how you feel. Just recently, I was on a rampage because I wanted ONE FRICKIN’ FRENCH FRY, and I couldn’t find the ketchup. Normally, I do my best to follow a healthy diet, and I exercise 5 days/week. However, occasionally, I allow myself to stray, and I love Kentucky Fried Chicken’s potato wedges. My Grandmother, who lives with us, regularly dines on KFC, and a week or so ago, I just wanted one of her delicious, slice of seasoned potato, but I MUST HAVE a dollop of the tomato condiment – or forget it. It’s not worth the calories and fat that I’m going to ingest with that beloved sliver of fried vegie of the spud persuasion. And Nana doesn’t mind. She never eats them all. So, I began removing absolutely everything from the fridge. With half the contents of our always overloaded ice box, I FINALLY found a bottle of Heinz, organic tomato catsup lying sideways behind my son’s blasted chocolate milk in the back of the fridge. I was already late with a transcription project, and it took me almost ten minutes to end my search, but I didn’t care. I work three jobs and take care of Ms. Cranky Pants (my 95-year-old grandmother), and I deserved that damned FRY coated with red tomato goodness as much as you deserve your oatmeal and/or breakfast cookies! 🙂

    In praise of the little things!

    Thanks for sharing!

    Tenacious BITCH…
    P.S. For a good laugh re: oatmeal, check out my Post #18 in the archives called: “The Oatmeal Incident” …which is parked at: http://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/06/02/the-oatmeal-incident/

  5. Now, see? This is another thing I needed to salvage my day – a good laugh. Thank you! I especially liked the caption, “Oh, dear Lord! Yes! A thousand times yes! Wait. Did I just accept this cookie’s proposal? Maybe…” Humor is restorative!

    • I was, too. You’d think that in an oatmeal emergency, he would simply rush to the store and pick some up. I thought he was just slipping into something more comfortable before he did it.

      Now I’m pretty sure that my non-oatmeal-bringing husband had something to do with the recall. He has always had it in for my breakfast. He denies.

  6. You post is hilarious, as always.
    But, yeah, you’re right, he’s a boy. But throwing a box of cherrios? Really? I would have tried a can of soup. Less mess to clean up. Although there could be a bit of blood afterwards… Anyway, at least he’d never forget to buy oatmeal ever again.
    My plan B is always a cup of greek yogurt. I know, I know, greek yogurt and oatmeal have nothing in common, but hey, they’re both delicious. Have you tried the oikos café latte? Or the banana cream? Or the coconut one?
    Dang, now I need some yogurt.

  7. I remember seeing the commercial for belVita late one night at work and thinking, “Wow, they have struck catch phrase gold!” Grab life by the biscuits! What a stroke of genius…… The whole “recall” thing sucks, but the catch phrase is awesome!……I hope you didn’t mind my overuse of punctuation…

  8. Reblogged this on Yaya Speaks and commented:
    I’m still adapting to a gluten-free diet and it is difficult. The meal that has suffered the most is breakfast. No toast, oatmeal, cereal, bagel with cream cheese, scones, muffins, cookies, NOTHING! Just coffee…and fruit, which does not really taste that great together. Have you tried dunking a slice of orange in your coffee? Aaack!!! Fortunately, I found this hilarious blog to keep my spirits up. My kitty is not feeling well so look for my regular blog next week. Big thanks to Heather from Becoming Cliche for her wonderful humor. Cheers!

  9. Pingback: New Inspiring Blogger Nominees! | Yaya Speaks

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