An Open Letter to the Thief Who Steals My Jewelry Box

Dear Sir or Madame,

In response to some recent break-ins, our neighborhood has met and formed a neighborhood watch. The first meeting was eye-opening. The coordinators shared things that Sneaky McSneakersons tend to look for when planning their next big heist. Toys in the yard apparently attract thieves because where there are kids, there are video game systems. I won’t deny that we have one. (I’m sure you’ll get a pretty penny for our Super Nintendo, once you’ve knocked off all the dust and vacuumed out the kitty litter. And shaken out the goldfish crackers. And after you replace the left controller that hasn’t worked right since someone dropped it in the aquarium.)

Then we went around the room sharing any experience we’ve had with theft and vandalism. All three robbery victims reported the same thing; that their jewelry boxes had been stolen. I was shocked and horrified I knew then that I needed to write you this letter. I owe you a bit of an apology.

You have clearly gone to a lot of trouble to get to this point. You’ve made it past alarm and canine, braved the gauntlet of snake cages, maybe even turned an ankle on the assorted Legos decorating my floor, and for what? My jewelry box. Yeah, about that.

I’m sorry about my necklaces. I found most of them at thrift stores. Some of them may turn your neck green, but a scrub with baking soda will take it off. A little cocoa butter will clear the rash right up. And if you have any food allergies, best avoid eating the macaroni necklace.

Sorry about the little suede bag of baby teeth, too. If you’re not a parent yourself, it can seem a little ghoulish to hang on to them. If you are a parent, you’ll know just how precious every little piece of their childhood is. Even though I’m not totally sure which tooth came from which kid.

I am sincerely sorry for my ring collection. If I were wearing those mood rings right now, you could see just how sincere I am. And don’t get too excited about that other one with the sparkly blue stone. It’s not real. In fact, it may actually be rock candy. My bracelets won’t bring you much, either. Except the Grim Reaper silly band. You may be able to get something for that one. I know my son will give you three Harry Potter silly bands. Of your choice. So there’s that.

But I am the most deeply apologetic for the brooch made out of elephant dung. It was a gift. I won’t even try to explain. But it’s environmentally friendly, and I swear it doesn’t smell. Just don’t get it wet and you’ll be fine. It would dress up your orange jump suit and make you look real pretty.

You could try again in about ten years when I’ve really made it as a writer. I might have some better stuff then. But probably not. After all, you’re talking to the person who kept a piece of jewelry made out of elephant dung. For five years. My financial clout may improve, but my taste probably won’t. Sorry for your trouble.

Respectfully yours,

Heather

PS: If you have the time to sort your loot before the police arrive, would you be so kind as to leave behind the macaroni necklace and the baby teeth? Those things are priceless.

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50 thoughts on “An Open Letter to the Thief Who Steals My Jewelry Box

  1. I have three items in my jewelry box. One of them is a squirrel carved out of a walnut shell. I am holding onto it until my daughter is old enough to care for it properly. Her now late great-grandfather carved it just for her. If anyone stole it, I would be mad a cat.

  2. Ho disappointing. They may all have little value or none but they were yours and you had collected them 😦 We get around the threat by not having a jewelry box or any jewelry apart from what is on the body.

  3. You should tell them all your really valuable stuff is stashed in the vaccum cleaner, and the only way to get it open is to fill the bag to bursting.
    So they better get to work.

  4. I’m sorry for the baby teeth lost. Nothing will erase the memories. I do think you should leave your letter of apology to the thief on the kitchen table every night and during the day when you leave. Print it out in big block letters! Great post. 🙂

  5. Love this one Heather. Our neighborhood has been hammered of late, with numerous break ins all at once. It is unsettling in the worst of ways… not feeling totally safe in my own home sucks. Sorry for your loss… it is such a violation, and while I love that you can write about it, I know that it burns.

  6. Hilarious, Heather. As someone whose home HAS been robbed — and yes, they did take my jewelry! — I wish I’d been more frugal instead of trying to accumulate good pieces. One can only hope they get turned away by the thought of snake cages, ha!

  7. I think if they opened mine they would call Etsy and say, “Etsy! I think someone robbed you!” and then back out of the house slowly. Because everything in there is Etsy stuff. EVERYTHING.

    I might have a slight problem with Etsy.

  8. This is a wonderful “Mommie’s Tale.” The baggie of teeth is so precious, I forgot it was about thwarting a robber. I think you ought to frame it and post it to your front door. May your precious little baggie of teeth always be protected.

  9. Say, if you have a few extra teeth in that bag of teeth that are petite adult sized, would you mind sending them over here? My sister’s visiting and will be cooking tomorrow night. Much appreciated.

    Gummy Sue

  10. I’m afraid a thief would have to dig veeery long for my non-existent jewelry box. Other than my hairbands which I keep around the handle of my hairbrush (you know, for that motherly pony tail look) and my wedding band made from titanium, the most precious of metals, which I obviously don’t store in a box, seeing that I have not been married for nearly long enough to not wanting to wear it on my ring finger, I don’t even own any jewelry. Or a game console. Pathetic, I know, but I am happy this way.

    • I’m happy without super-expensive stuff, too. That’s not where my heart is. I’m incredibly sentimental. We got our game console as a wedding present. Actually, it was the best wedding present EVER!

A penny for your thoughts! And by penny, I mean a warm-fuzzy in your heart.

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