Innocence Lost

I went to the hospital last week. It was horrible. The emotional scars may never heal.

It wasn’t the doctors, though they did get my diet orders mixed up. Carbs are essential for managing my condition. When I started to have a flare-up, my personal doctor asked me to take in about 80-120 grams of carbs per meal. That’s a loaf of French bread, folks. I love my doctor. But the hospital team got my condition confused with a related one and had me on a diabetic diet. I had to choose between a muffin or a glass of juice. They did get it straightened out within a couple of days, so no harm no foul. And in the meantime my peeps kept sneaking me in stuff to keep me from dying. The doctors weren’t the issue.

The food wasn’t bad, either. “Not bad” doesn’t actually imply “good,” but I could eat it for the most part. Eventually they gave up trying to calculate carbs and just sent icky vanilla Ensure shakes on every tray. I am now using them as bowling pins. But the food didn’t ruin me forever.

The nurses were amazing. And the CNAs. They have to do some pretty awful and uncomfortable jobs in the course of their day, but they were always pleasant and accommodating and tried to help maintain my dignity. I didn’t know for three days that there were no sodas available on the floor because every time I asked my nurse for a Coke, one magical, lifesaving beverage appeared. With a smile. They made my stay bearable. Hug a nurse or CNA today. I really mean that.

The television was the problem. I knew I was a goner when we were admitted through the ER and were trapped in a room with cable television. My doctor had called ahead to get treatment set up, but it was still a lot of hurry up and wait. The TV was stuck on ESPN. The announcers continually blabbed on about NFL drafts. Which wouldn’t happen for another eight hours. Grown men playing pretend. “What will happen if Team Z chooses this quarterback? And then this team chooses that guy over there? And then they’ll invite Roger Staubach (the only football player whose name I actually know) over for  a tea party, and they’ll all wear fancy hats?” I think that last part happened. Anyway, I thought Sports Center was bad. And then someone changed the channel.

They finished my treatment and were trying to decide if I was well enough to go home. Picture it. My husband had to leave to pick up kids from school. The medical team left to let me get some “rest.” I was flat on my back, unable to stand on my own. And the Kardashians came on the screen. No remote control. No emergency call button.

I have heard of Kardashians, of course. But I thought maybe they were a line of expensive shoes or handbags or something. I was taken quite by surprise. After watching those hate-filled Barbie dolls for five minutes, I was writhing in a whole new agony as my brain cells spontaneously combusted . I begged for an anti-emetic. And for someone to change the channel. Good grief! I had been forced to pee in front of five different people with my tushy hanging out of the back of my gown, and I still had more dignity about me than that sad family.

An angel of mercy did finally appear. Though she declined my fervent request to hit me over the head with a croquet mallet, she did at least change the channel. And I am grateful. But I will never be the same.


*** I couldn’t bring myself to include any images of Kardashians. Their dead, haunted eyes give me the willies. If you’ve never heard of them, count yourself lucky. Or just Google them.


86 thoughts on “Innocence Lost

  1. I kan’t tell one Kardashian apart from the other. It’s quite konfusing, really. Never have so many with so few brain cells been so overpaid for kontributing nothing to society.

    Unless you kount having more children as a kontribution. But I kall that a Klusterf*ck.

  2. Oh my. I wasn’t expecting that for some reason. Well-played! 🙂 But yeah, the Kardashians are terrible. I’ve never actually watched them, but from what I’ve heard… *shudders*

  3. I feel your pain — I’ve had chronic health probs for 40 years and have been hospitalized more often than I’d like to remember. Nurses and aids are wonderful.

    I think that the image of being stuck with the Kardashians may be all I needed to keep me from getting sick again. Thanks!

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  5. I’ve never seen an episode of The Kardashians – but now after reading your post, I don’t think there is anything in life that could scare me more than a hospital stay without a TV remote! I hope you are on the mend by the way.

  6. I love that image of grown men playing pretend…now I’m imaging a bunch of football player dolls, and two commentators playing dress up with different little outfits (“Will Whats-his-name Sportsplayer wear this team’s uniform, or that team’s? I think he looks better in this team’s colors, don’t you?”)

    . . . what? That’s where my mind went.

    • Thank you. That’s where my mind went, too. Have you ever seen “Steel Magnolias where one character becomes a color announcer? She says “I think their uniforms are a shade of purple…” or something to that effect.

      • It’s Olympia Dukakis’ character who bought her own radio station & then becomes a color commentator for the local football team. She’s in their locker room & have of them are naked & she covers over by talking about their uniforms being a “lovely shade of purple.”

  7. Glad to hear you’re on the mend.

    What is it with hospitals and TV remotes? It seems like half the time when I visit someone in the hospital, their TV remote doesn’t work. Maybe the emotional pain of having to watch that stuff on TV is supposed to distract you from your actual physical pain.

  8. This reminds me of that one time when I was 17 and I was so sunburned that I couldn’t move. I had turned on the TV when I woke up, and watched through Days of Our Lifes (my choice), Passions (oh Gawd) and (worst of all) The Rosie O’Donnell Show (I liked her in A League of Their Own but that was about it)…

    Except that the Kardashians are worse than Rosie, so maaan I feel your pain. I had co-workers on 2011 who insisted on watching them every day at lunch. It was not fun.

  9. I’m sad you had to endure such misery, but I’m grateful it didn’t dampen your sense of humor! The Kardashians I can’t tolerate when I’m felling well; no way would I want to be tormented by them in the hospital!

    • I can’t understand the appeal of them at all. It’s not reality TV. It’s unscripted, but definitely isn’t reality. And they all looked so sad, like they would rather be anywhere else, WITH anyone else.

  10. I hope you are better and getting fed properly. I read a blog when I first started out that said that one of the things every blogger will eventually do was to write a post about the Kardashians. So I smiled to see this one!

  11. Heather, I can’t imagine the pain and anguish you went through – first the NFL and then the Kardashians! Don’t worry…the nightmares will soon cease, trust me.

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  13. Are you certain you were at a hospital and not at LaSades chamber of horrors? This would have been enough to send any sane person screaming down the corriders tush hanging out and all.

    Glad you are home.

  14. Oh poor, poor Heather! Not the illness, the lost innocence I mean. I always knew there are good sides to not living in the US (although I reckon the guys at Homeland Security will heartily disagree), in Cape Verde this show is just not available. Thank goodness. It is not missed.

  15. I cannot forget the time I was with my fiancée in the ER and our choices were pawn stars, educational medical tv or a rerun of Maury “guess who is the transvestite” episode! So pawn stars won. Lol

  16. Oh darling, horrors, you poor thing, they should invent a tv that changes channel when you clap your hands like those light thingies, but then it would change every time you dropped a bed pan.. ick, that did not sound nice.. hope you are better now, or at the very least can pee in private! c

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