Over the last couple of weeks, sugar has become the focus of my day. I scavenge any time of day or night for something sweet. It’s either my metabolic disorder begging me to eat more carbs so I don’t die, or I’ve been sneaking one too many handfuls of Sour Patch kids. It’s probably the Sour Patch kids thing, so it’s time to take control of my body. I did a very little bit of reading about sugar detoxing, and I thought I should try it. Three days without sugar, and I’m free. I can do that.
Day One
Morning – I pour myself a bowl of Cheerios. Instead of sugar, I use raisins. Look at how healthy I am! I feel powerful conquering my sugar addiction. I drink my black coffee in triumph. It’s not bad, really.
Mid-day – Turns out I’m subbing for the afternoon, so I can keep busy. It’s easy to distract myself. I grab a snack of sugar snap peas, which are surprisingly low in sugar. I am so proud of myself!
Afternoon – It’s time to go home and pick up kids. What a great day! I feel amazing! I can do this!
Evening – I drink another cup of black coffee. It’s not bad. Not good, either, but not bad. I can do this. Three days is nothing.
Day Two
Morning – I’m 1/3 of the way there. Cheerios with raisins. Again. Anyone ever notice that raisins look like rabbit turds? Just me, then? Whatever. I drink my black coffee. It tastes bitter. Like tears.
Mid-day – I’m subbing for the morning. I’m busy, but I’m not all that nice. I’m supposed to have a lunch meeting, so I didn’t pack any food. Turns out it was just meeting, no lunch. I hate everyone.
Afternoon – It’s time to pick up the kids. Wow. I never noticed how much that haircut makes the Padawan look like a Hostess cupcake.
Mmmmm. Chocolatey!
I apologize for biting him and try to hide my disappointment that he does not, in fact, taste chocolatey.
Evening – I drop by the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. Namely bags of sugar. I briefly wonder if snorting the sugar spilled on the shelf is punishable by law. I briefly wonder if I care. The manager asks me to leave. Looks like it’s not technically illegal, folks! Yet. Just strongly discouraged. Store that in your trivia bank.
Day Three
Morning – Husband gives me a vitamin. It’s a Flintstone, and the sweetest thing I’ve had in days. Half a cup of those things in a bowl of milk isn’t half bad. Sadly, I discover that they contain artificial sweeteners. My hair begins to fall out, and I grow gills. I hate my life.
I drink my coffee black, hot, and so fast I scald my tongue. There. Now I can’t taste it at all. Makes me happy.
Mid-day – Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Leave me alone.
Afternoon – I have to get the kids from school. Which kids? I don’t know. Which school? Like I’m supposed to know. Shut up.
Evening – Nothing will ever make me happy again. I don’t care if I never eat another snickers bar blizzard.
Mission accomplished. I’m going to bed.
Becoming Cliche 
So you’ve conquered that then.
There’s definitely defeat in the air.
Maybe “in moderation” would be a better way to go?
If not, I have some kid-dessert recipes that make them taste GREAT!
(The kids I mean.)
Um…or so I’ve heard…
Once the sugar is gone for three days, the idea is that you can add a little back to your diet.
I did think of a kid-dessert the other day. One of my students had chocolate all over their face.
OH MY GOD…I was snorting through this whole thing. Not sugar…just hilarity. But sugar sounds good too.
Oh, you gotta try the sugar. It’s sublime.
But what did you eat for breakfast on Day 4? An entire 5lb pound of sugar? LOL, great post.
Breakfast? What is that? Sawdust and rabbit turds.
Hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh.
Thanks for reading!
I have been thinking of sugar detoxing because it was bad there for a while. I was adding a TABLESPOON of sugar to 6 oz of coffee. It snuck up on me, but I’ve been cutting back slowly. I’m down to half a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee… topped with whipped cream and a sprinkle of nutmeg. What? That is totally healthier!
I want to crawl under a bed at the mere though of sugar detox. You are strong.
72 hours was doable. I couldn’t give it all up forever.
Oh, goodness no…. forever is just unthinkable. So is 72 hours, to be honest, she thought as she shoved cookies into her face.
Whenever one attempts to give up something, that thing lodges its awareness in your brain and never leaves. Next time, try overdosing on sugar, thoroughly saturating yourself with it, and then see if you’ll look forward to sugarless days. Raisins instead of sugar? I think they might as well be rabbit turds for all the tastiness they provide. Raisins are a mistake gone wild.
The detox is supposed to cut cravings so I can add a reasonable amount of sugar back. All kidding aside, it actually seems to have worked. I’m not surfing around for something sweet to eat. I tried giving up sweets forever. Life wasn’t the same.
There’s sugar in everything. If I tried that, I’d be eating nothing but carrots. Now, I do enjoy carrots, but that’s a lot of carrots.
And there’s a lot of sugar in carrots, too. God bless carrots.
I’ve tried to do a full scale sugar detox before, including natural sugar (like fruit), and… it wasn’t pretty. You don’t realize how many foods have sugar, until you try not to eat them. I didn’t even last a day.
I made it through three whole days. No one wanted to be within ten feet of me, though.
This is great! Haha
Thank you! And it’s over! Who knew three days could last so long?
There’s no Padawan like a choclatey Padawan…
None at all. It was an honest mistake.
Just a hint for you: I used to be a model so I drank lots of black coffee to keep my weight down. When your coffee tastes bitter, add a tablespoon of cold tap water to your cup. It’s amazing how it makes your coffee taste sweeter! And no sugar added!
Water, bourbon. Thanks for the tip!
Reminds me of the time I gave up coffee for Lent. Worst. Idea. Ever. It was ugly!
Ha Ha! Hilarious post! I’ve gone this way for about 2 weeks. It gets better a week later.
I was laughing and craving sugar through this whole hilarious post! One little Dove chocolate wouldn’t hurt. Three might be even better. They say dark chocolate is good for you. 🙂
I feel deprived just from reading about this. I can’t imagine one scenario that would impress upon me the need to do this for three days. Unless my diet coke was at stake.
Heather, I’d advise against biting your children. I’d be happy to send you donuts by mail (but don’t be upset if each one has a few bites already).
Oh thanks for the laugh! 😀 You need a Verve! Best things ever for energy and its so healthy with vitamins and flavor you forget what sugar is.
Thanks for the laughs! Going without sugar only gets worse, especially if one is diabetic. Moderation is the key. I find just the smallest taste of anything sweet satisfies. Also try splenda or some other sugar substitute. Keep in mind raisins are mostly coated with sugar unless bought in health food store.
I do get my raisins uncoated at the equivalent of a health food store. Even for me, raisins are sweet enough! Thanks for the tip!
It’s hard not to look forward to it when you downplay the misery so much… 😉
Sounds like a great three days…. 😆
Ha ha..I loved your Day 3..
Following you.:)
I couldn’t do this. You are a better, stronger, more sugar-free-er woman than I can ever hope to be.
I am so hooked on sugar, so jonesing for it that I’m thinking of doing an inpatient detox. Just waiting for Obamacare to kick in so I can do that with no copay.
Simply loved it. Glad you get through it and were able to grasp some “air” afterwards. 🙂
hahaha ! mid day day 3 hilarious. It’s hard to cut out sugar completely! So…good for you for doing it – seriously. Whenever i eat REALLY healthy, i still need like 3 dove chocolates at the end of the night. I can’t get through a whole day.
Absolutely hilarious! And what kismet. Today is Day One/Ground Zero of my attempt at the Shred Diet, (based on the book – Shred Revolution by Ian Smith), and I so feel your pain! I’ve gained more than 30 pounds back out of the 60 I lost between 2002 and 2004, which I’d kept off until my Grandmother moved in with us in 2011. She’s a rather difficult person to live with (i.e.http://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/03/10/as-my-mother-lay-dying/ ), so I ate a lot of food I’d foregone for years because she’s so PICKY and wouldn’t eat healthy food. I also consumed a lot of sweets because she’s totally addicted to sugar. But it’s not all her fault. I could’ve just said NO…but you know how powerful DONUTS can be when they’re wailing their garbled siren song from inside the pantry, and you feel you must eat one before the neighbors think you’re strangling the cat/beating the children. Thankfully, Nana’s now in a nursing home 1,000 miles away, so I’m now trying to get back on the healthy track. And I commend you for stopping after biting the Hostess Cupcake boy only once…I think I would’ve made it through half his face before my vampirish love of chocolate was assuaged enough to stop! 🙂 Thanks for the LAUGH! Best of luck in your efforts to stave off the sugar madness! 🙂
Btw, I had to post this comment left on my blog today. I pinged your post and mentioned how I wouldn’t have been able to STOP eating the Cupcake boy’s face, and part of the reply from one of my readers was:
“… maybe have a safety word or something the first time a small child looks like a Hostess Cupcake, I dunno, just a thought. Love yer work. REDdog”
Is that not hilarious!??? 🙂
Just had to share!
Best,
TB
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HAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Now that’s funny!
Maybe a frozen Reeses is not such a good idea after all. You have inspired me. To eat ice cream instead. Dairy. Protein. Right?
I found your post hysterical. I’m sorry. *stays sugar-dependent*