This Won’t End Badly

So I made a tiny mistake this morning. Miniscule, really. I shouldn’t even be bothering you with it.

I got up this morning after a terrible dream in which girl-child wanted to move in with her grandmother because we had no weekend plans besides watching television and I threatened to send her to a work camp. Weird, I know. We never watch television.

Anyway, my tail was dragging. I did manage to plow through the morning routine, and there’s the problem. For you math majors, here’s an equation that adds up to trouble.

Muscle memory + coffee pot + husband leaving unusually early = making too much coffee.

No big deal. I poured my cup and put the rest in the thermos to save for tonight.Yeah, it’s a good Thermos. One day I’ll compose a poem in it’s honor. It’s several years old, but it still work…

I digress again. How did that happen? OH! I know! I came home from dropping off Squish in six degree weather. That’s degrees Fahrenheit, not dog years. It was flippin’ COLD! And I was cold. And grouchy. And upset because the heat cable we bought last night at Wal-mart (I know. But according to store inventories, it was the last place in a 50 mile radius that had one)  to keep our water pipe from bursting (again) had apparently been previously purchased and returned to the store because it was broken. So I was mad. And cold. Did I mention cold? I was cold.

I came home and jury-rigged a space heater and a box fan to try to warm the garage enough that the pipes won’t freeze. The garage was cold. My heart was cold. But you know what was hot? The coffee in the Thermos. I poured it. I drank it. Three extra cups of coffee. Not three cups of coffee, mind. Three extra cups. And I forgot to eat breakfast. Six cups of coffee. Empty stomach.

9:30am – I need to get busy! So much to DO! Laundry! Lots of laundry! ! FASTER, you stupid machine! FASTER! If the pipes burst, I want all my clothes to be clean! Wow. It’s hot in here. I should wash the clothes I’m wearing while I’m at it.

10:00am– Bored with laundry. Clothes are stupid. Maybe I’ll do some writing.Writing. What do I write? I don’t have any words. WHERE DID THE WORDS GO? I’m cold. Where are all my clothes? Why are they in the washer? I AM SO COLD!

10:30 – Forget writing. I need to scrapbook. 450 photographs to squeeze into an 80 page book. How am I going to do this? What is the matter with me? Why do I take so many pictures? I’m a terrible person. I am a pixel-hoarder. I will never get through this. NEVER GET THROUGH THIS!

11:00 – 30 pages of 80 page scrapbook done. All done. I am awesome! If I keep this up, I’ll have two weeks’ worth of work done IN ONE DAY! Whoa. Why is my t-shirt all fluttery? Oh, that’s just my heart. Cool! Look at it go! Like a little hummingbird. I can’t wait to see hummingbirds. They’ll come back in the Spring. If it is ever Spring. What if all the people in China jumped off a chair at the same time and impacted the earth’s tilt so that it will never be warm again?

11:30 – Finished drying the clothes. They’re so warm! So warm. It seems a waste to put them away. Maybe I’ll just drop them in the floor and lie on them!

12:00 – My good buddy reminds me that maybe I should eat something. Because she loves me. She’s my pal. And I love her right back. I love you, too. In case I forgot to tell you that. I do. I think it’s something that people should say more. I am eating. I got some oyster crackers and salted caramel cocoa. And they’re so good! Where’s my last cracker? Did you take my last oyster cracker? I open my little fluttery heart to you and this is the thanks I get? CRACKER THIEF! Pour one out for my lost oyster cracker.

12:30 – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. I found my oyster cracker. It was in my sleeve. I ate it. It was soggy. I think the cat sneezed on it. I am sad.

1:00 Is it time to get the kids yet? Wow. I am burning up. It is so hot in here! Is it hot in here to you? Am I going through The Change? I hope not. I just bought hygiene supplies. Hey! Maybe I can insulate the garage with tampons? I might not be needing them otherwise, and I’d hate to waste a perfectly good Tampax.

2:00 – It’s still not time to get the kids. What am I going to do? I wish I could think of something to write about because I have never typed so fast in my life! Here, kitty! Let Mommy paint your toenails!

2:30 – Husband is due home any minute. It’s about time to make some coffee.

Look! We have matching coffee mustaches!

Look! We have matching coffee mustaches!

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31 thoughts on “This Won’t End Badly

  1. “Why is my t-shirt all fluttery? Oh, that’s just my heart.” Love this.
    You drank the whole pot of coffee? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.
    As a very casual coffee drinker I can get this effect off one really strong coffee…

  2. Once upon a time, I was driving by myself and getting sleepy, and I picked up a large Wendy’s soda. If you haven’t seen the size of those, just imagine a bucket. Bad idea. I was wired and stuck in a car. I actually ripped off part of my old steering wheel cover in my frenzy.

    Also, I’m fairly certain you forgot the 7 bathroom breaks in an hour. At least that happens to me when I drink a lot of caffeine.

  3. I am now morbidly curious what would happen if I drank six cups of coffee. Since one doesn’t usually make me hyper.

    This was hilarious. Plus your RT thanks to sj earlier made me nearly choke on my water at work, too. So that’s good. 🙂

  4. Ah hahaha…SO glad I wandered across you ! My hubby and I are both coffee addicts, and one of my [few] obtainable goals each day is to drink enough so that by 9 pm or so I start to crash….its a beautiful thing.

  5. Omg! That much coffee just makes me feel ill, and I end up eating the entire package of chewable gravol. I love the taste of ginger, but am not going to eat the real ginger in the fridge, that would be too much.

  6. You are cracking me up, girl! I felt your caffeine-induced hyperactivity though the entire post. I’m typing faster now than I ever have!! I’m using lots of exclamation points!!! Arrgh! Must do a million things at once! Must get more coffee NOW!!

  7. I must know the answer to your question about everyone in China jumping on a chair. I’m jealous that I haven’t thought of such an amazing question. How do we figure this out? Who would conduct this study for me? If you find out, please let me know

  8. Ah, caffeine, how I miss you. People used to ask me “Why are you talking so fast?” and I’d say, “Iamnottalkingsofastwhatdoyoumeanwhyareyoutalkingsosloooow?” Now I sometimes actually take a breath between words. SOMETIMES. I’m still a New Yorker, after all. We don’t have time for this slow-talking nonsense.

  9. I once had three chocolate coated coffee beans. Right before an important client presentation.

    My colleagues made me promise to never NEVER have any again. Ever.

    Apparently I am hyper sensitive to caffeine. Who knew?!

    I totally relate to your post!! LOL

  10. You had me laughing and then when you wrote “Here, kitty! Let Mommy paint your toenails!” I just lost it! I came late to the party, so you’ve had a few days to recover, how are you doing? I don’t drink coffee anymore and really miss it. Now I’m craving coffee…

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