Why You Don’t Want Me To Watch TV

Last night, I had a rare girls’ night with  my mom and my sister. We had a great time, but on my way home, I started to feel a little ill. I think the bacon-wrapped pork roulade was a little rich for me, and the venison was rather overdone. Chicken, okay? I ate chicken. With Lima beans and some dressing. Stove top stuffing, to be exact. Not guaciale seared scallops or cassoulet.

Our girls’ night consisted of back-to-back episodes of DVR’d episodes from the Food Network. Three hours of chefs sweating over what to do with the bizarre mystery ingredients unveiled to them in their baskets, and I felt like I had eaten my way across six continents. Television isn’t good for me.

I have a TV, of course. We paid $10 for it at a yard sale about six years ago. It works just fine. Okay, maybe everyone on the screen appears to be four inches tall and pink, and the sound quality is so bad that the television can be heard more clearly upstairs than in the room where it resides, but it’s good enough for me. And it’s obviously all that I can handle.

The set we watched last night was a little bigger than mine, the picture and sound clear as a bell. The people looked like people instead of Oompah Loompahs, and the food looked like food.  Well, most of it did. After a couple of hours, that line between entertainment and reality gets a little blurred, and I start to feel bloated from all that bacon. What is this obsession with bacon, anyway?  I don’t get it. Give me a pork bracioli and  broccoli rabe florets with a touch of raspberry truffle. That was actually not bad. Wait… Did I…? Chicken. That’s right. I ate chicken. I keep forgetting. The lines, how they blur! Maybe I just need new glasses…

I got so lost in my viewing pleasure that I know I will have to choose the shows I watch on a real television very carefully. I couldn’t watch The Bachelor without a divorce attorney present. I’d need to get my shots before I ever turned on The Amazing Race. I’m less worried about The Voice because I don’t even know what it is. Do they speak? Sing? Does the champion screamer win?

I’ve decided that television twice a month is probably all I can handle without gaining a lot of imaginary weight. I’m going back to books, I think. I’m better off with reading anyway. When I start The Hobbit for the millionth time, I don’t have to worry about those lines blurring because I already know it’s real.


Totally free-hand. If I were not a writer, I'd have to be an artist, right?

Totally free-hand. If I were not a writer, I’d have to be an artist, right?


39 thoughts on “Why You Don’t Want Me To Watch TV

  1. What does virtual nausea feel like? Did you throw up? Worrying. Gave up watching food shows years ago – spend the time cooking now. It’s a close run thing whether you should draw or write 😀

  2. That was fun reading and I’m glad it was you watching those shows and not me. When I get hungry sometimes I thumb through a cookbook, but I never end up cooking anything. I get full just looking at the pictures. I really enjoyed your evening (vicariously). Do let me know when I can get a 6-place setting of the silverware. I LIKE IT !! Plus your artistry is every bit as good as mine – isn’t “primitive” an art world phenomenon?? Sammy D at http://www.bemuzin.com

  3. I love the food network. I watch it tooo much. I know what you mean. I start to feel like I am eating the food being made on chopped or whatever show I am watching. I am a tv fanatic!

  4. Food network is one of my guilty pleasures. We have TV now but I went for the better part of six years without one. It’s healthy I think. The revolution will not be televised 🙂

    • We have the one, but no cable, so we get 3 PBS stations and a couple of others. I don’t miss it. I do watch shows, but usually in DVD format once the season is complete. AND NO COMMERCIALS!

  5. I’ve grown quite tired of those food shows. They exist to shame me for opening up a can of soup for dinner or for throwing everything into one pot and calling it a stew. I used to be inspired by those shows; now, they just make me feel guilty.

  6. Fun post! I love to cook (both WW and I do), so these shows are not good for us. We get enticed to try new things. The last thing we both need are new recipes. The worst part is that those shows make us feel that every meal should be a culinary experience when in reality most meals are nourishment and fuel to keep us fit and healthy. I have to stay away from these shows. They are like a drug. 🙂

    • Fortunately I am far away from my own kitchen when I watch, and I’m on the edge of my seat to see if they’ll plate it all before the timer goes off. I haven’t been tempted to replicate a recipe.

  7. Occasionally the shows forget to mention things like “pulse BRIEFLY just to break up the (whatever it is) and not turn it to mush”, but overall they’re fun. I’ll probably be blacklisted from the internet forever, but I miss Paula Deen.

  8. I watch one show….The Walking Dead. I was bribed into watch it, and am now hooked! I am so exhausted afterwards, that it takes a full week to recover – just in time to watch it again…:-).

  9. I had a TV like that until recently. A friend gave it to me when I moved in here, and it was huge, and weighed so much it took two of us to get it up the stairs, and I loved it even though you couldn’t turn the closed captioning off. Until one day when I turned it on, there was a weird noise, and I had no picture, only sound. And then there was a smell. What’s this? Oh, nothing. Just YOUR TELEVISION IS ON FIRE. And it’s too heavy to move on your own. So that was fun. I manhandled it out onto the porch and hoped it wouldn’t start a fire out there. (It didn’t. Whew!)

  10. I actually started and FINISHED rereading The Hobbit a couple of months ago. I forgot how much I liked it. The Lord of the Rings, however…all that teeny, tiny print is just too intimidating. I’ll stick with the movies.

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