The Benefit of Second-hand Smoke

My husband and I decided to treat ourselves to a movie. Like, in a theater. I found one I wanted to see, and off we went.

About two minutes into the film, husband and I looked at each other and said “Is someone smoking?” And the answer was yes. Smoking. In a movie theater. The audience collectively waited for the miscreant to put the thing out. We couldn’t see the culprit, but it was pretty obvious to everyone that they were there. (Let me interject right here that I am not a “condemn smokers to hell” kind of gal. I am, however, asthmatic. And seriously. Smoking? In a movie theater? C’mon, kids!) It was like hanging out in a bar.

Don't smoke in the theater. Angry usher will get you! Or bring you pizza. Whatevs.

Don’t smoke in the theater. Angry usher will get you! Or bring you pizza. Whatevs.

One person left the theater and returned with an usher. She could not find the source of the smoke. My money was on the kid who said “F- you” repeatedly when she came up the steps toward him, but I am no Sherlock Holmes. Instead of ousting him, she brought him a pizza. No, I am not kidding. She did get another usher, however. The two of them scoured the place with no luck. After another complaint, a manager was brought in. She could smell the general direction the smoke was coming from, but she couldn’t catch anybody. Finally, we moved seats hoping that we could at least get away from the worst of it. After an hour, we left the theater and got our money back, and as we left, an officer of the law came in to try to sort it out.

My husband and I will be ever grateful to the individual who decided to flaunt social graces and light up illegally. In doing so, they saved us from perhaps the worst movie I have ever seen. And I even watched Dodgeball. Accidentally. The drama in the theater itself was more compelling than the action on screen. Yeah, I’m talking about Noah.

GIANT SPOILER ALERT. I know. You’ve already read the Bible story, so you know what happens. Trust me when I say you don’t.

I knew next to nothing about this movie going in, except that it was a retelling of the story of Noah’s Ark. And it starred Gladiator and Hermione Granger. And Hannibal Lechter as Grandpa. What else do you need to know, really?

So a few minutes in, I began to question the authenticity of the piece. The wheel hadn’t been invented yet, but we are shown a mine with some kind of wind-driven machinery. Okay, then. So it’s fantasy? I can live with that. Then the rock-Transformers show up.

Yeah. The Watchers were fallen angels (the Nephilim in the Old Testament. But instead of marrying the daughters of men, these guys helped build the ark. I know. And they looked pretty much like this, give or take a leg or two.

Yeah.So.  The Watchers. They looked pretty much like this, give or take a leg or two.

The Watchers were fallen angels. And boy did they fall far. Instead of looking all glam and naughty-angel-like, they looked like walking charcoal briquettes. Except they didn’t burn. And they could totally kick human tail, except for when they couldn’t. I don’t know. It didn’t make sense to me, either. There currently aren’t any images of them available because they’re pretty hilarious. Shh. They’re top secret.

This post became entirely too long and cumbersome for one sitting. Stay tuned tomorrow for the conclusion of “Why This Movie Was a Real Waste of Time.”

Have you seen it? Did the rock-Transformers make you giggle?

22 thoughts on “The Benefit of Second-hand Smoke

  1. Awesome. I love it when you hate stuff! You get so articulate!! But smoking in a movie theatre,, how could no-one see the live ember! Secretive and remarkably bad. c

  2. Cigarette smoke is one of the worst things to try to sit around with in the air. Ugh. I would have gotten up and complained too, and it takes a lot for me to do that! Looking forward to the conclusion of why Noah was a waste of time. (I love Emma Watson, I hope she at least did good acting even though the movie was bad?)

  3. It seems to be an odd movie to have been smoking in, you know? I’ve been to a few movies where people brought in…smokable substances…but they were the kind of movies you might do that in. Not “Noah.” Odd.

    I seriously had the giggles over your rock-Transformer. Movie studios should hire you to do character creation. I can’t imagine their rock-Transformer was any better than yours.

  4. smoking in a movie theater??? Wow! The brazenness of some people. Noah doesn’t really interest me so I won’t be seeing it, especially after your review 🙂

  5. Aww, Emma Watson agreed to be in this? Come on, Hermione, you deserve better than that!

    To be fair, it’ll probably be kind of tough to match the experience of being in the HP movies for +/- 10 years. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence at least has had some big-time roles besides — before, even — The Hunger Games.

  6. Back in the day I was an assistant manager at a movie theater and I only caught someone smoking once. I walked up to him and told him he had to leave in a very firm voice. He nonchalantly looked up at me, took another drag, and then very slowly got up and sauntered his way out without saying a word. He looked so smooth and cool that I couldn’t even be mad at him anymore.

  7. Pingback: The One In Which I Realize We are Doomed as a Society | Becoming Cliche

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