I Told You So

As my husband will attest, I am warm-natured. After nearly 20 years of marriage, we have yet to call a truce in the Fan Wars. If it’s 50 degrees outside, my bedroom window is open. A night at a sweltering 75 degrees is just miserable for everyone. Mostly because I whine a lot when I’m overheated. But women are perplexing creatures. *** I am a mystery inside an enigma, wrapped in 1000 percale sheets. Because regardless of the temperature, I cannot sleep without covers of some kind.

This habit is ingrained from my earliest years, as are most of my quirks. At some point, I came to believe that whatever is left uncovered is fair game for hungry monsters. Sometimes superstitions are simply relics of childhood. Sometimes they’re based on fact. Turns out, my conviction is true.

Two nights ago, I was awakened suddenly. Having broken my cardinal bedtime rule, I lay sheetless and exposed in the darkness. And I felt teeth in my bare feet. My heart lurched. Something is eating my feet! EATING MY FEET! All those years of carefully covering myself was not superstition at all! The monsters WILL get you if you aren’t careful! Goodbye, cruel world! I whispered my last will and testament to the universe. Then I recognized the identity of my assailant. It was this girl.

Yeah, she's cute when she's sleeping. Too bad she only does that about 15 minutes a night.

Yeah, she’s cute when she’s sleeping. Too bad she only does that about 15 minutes a night.


She started on my toes, then moved up to my ankle, then my calf. Finally I dumped her sad, sorry behind out of the bedroom and went back to bed feeling somewhat vindicated. “See, I told my sleeping husband (oh, he wasn’t really sleeping. It’s hard to sleep when your wife is flailing about like a goldfish on a dusty carpet. He was totally faking.) This is why I cover up. Things will eat me.”

The wily little minx slithered back into game-time central when I got up to go to the bathroom, and I was awakened a couple of hours later by a psychotic animal bicycling my head. Uncovered = eaten by monsters. The monster = Pixel = Pixel is a monster. It’s a good thing she’s cute.

Today’s my day off, and I’m going shopping. I wonder where I can find chain-mail sheets and a helmet.


***So are men, actually. Frankly, people are just weird.

38 thoughts on “I Told You So

  1. We got a new kitten in February and oh how I remember those interrupted-sleep nights well! She would decide to either sleep on my head/in the crook of my neck, or she would decide to bite the inside of my legs in the middle of the night. We have since closed her out of the bedroom at night (for several months now), and she is blissfully quiet until we get up in the morning. Took a while, and she has some nights where she whines at the door, but those nights are few and far between.

    She sure is cute, but I am much cuter too if I get a good night’s sleep 🙂

  2. Our dog recently passed away and now our cat has moved into our bedroom. She is quite annoying in the middle of the night, sleeping on my chest, waking me up at 4 am for food. Now she sleeps with the bunny…don’t worry; they are still both alive just living in the basement during the night.

  3. Oh my goodness. I have the same phobia of being uncovered. Spiders are my monsters. I fear that uncovered skin will be crawled upon by spiders.

  4. I’ve have just been adopted by two baby ginger brothers and believe me at 3am I have two sets of paws tapping my face asking ” whhhyyyy won’t you plaaayyy with us?” 🙂 Laura

  5. In no particular order: (2) Stick to your convictions. The monsters WILL get you. (14) I do NOT like cats. Not one tiny bit. So I cannot say how very adorable your kitty looks all tucked up like that with her little huggy paws. (6)

    • Cats are rotten. And this one wakes up each morning and sits outside the boys’ room looking at the closed door, like “Let’s get this party started!” Not cute at all. Not the tiniest bit adorable.

  6. “oh, he wasn’t really sleeping”… I ask myself this questions OFTEN 🙂

    For me, I still can’t sleep with any part of my body hanging off the side of the bed due to my older brother telling me spiders would crawl up my body!! JERK!

    Also… I know you didn’t ask for help ;-), but maybe you should get one of those, very sexy indeed, PajamaGram adult onesie thing… the Hoodie-Footie!!

  7. Totally agree, a sheet is not enough protection there has to be at least one blanket even in the summer. The nice thing about dogs is you can train them to sleep in a dog bed they generally stay off the human bed. Never had that luck with my cats. Then again never could train my dogs to do the kneading thing while I’m reading a book, which instantly puts me to sleep.

  8. I also need covers, at least on my torso. I usually kick my legs out from underneath because I’m too warm, so I guess I would be equally vulnerable to monster attacks (thankfully we lock both of our little monsters out of the room at night). But no matter how warm it is, I still need that blanket tucked up under my chin.

  9. I have long (48 years!) felt that a sheet was necessary to keep the monsters away.
    Do you ever wonder why cats are kept as pets at all? My cat has the whole family, myself included, that we are his staff. Open the door, close the door, feed me, pet me, DON’T pet me, sit still, stop typing, etc….he’s a very demanding task master.

  10. Bwhaha. This is my house. Yes, I have to sleep with a sheet over me and yes, sometimes something enters the bed. Only it doesn’t bite or lick, but it lays down with its hot kitty body against my leg. I usually wake up wondering if the tales I read as a teen about spontaneous combustion could actually be true.

  11. I hate not having a cover. Can’t sleep! Even if it is totally hot. I can handle sticking my feet out but only a little and only if it is really hot… It would have freaked me out if my cat would have nibbled on my toes… Good on you for not having a heart attack…

  12. This post is too weird – my #1 fear at night is having something eat or pick at my feet. No kidding.

    Lesson learned – don’t get a cat, and mummify my feet in bandages before bedtime every day.

  13. Oh yeah, you gotta make sure everything is covered to avoid the monsters. That’s just basic survival.

    I also need some sort of cover on me, even if its a light sheet that I can kinda spoon with

  14. My SO is on the same boat with you. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m suffocating if my feet are covered up, at least one must collect air for the whole body. Yes, I breath through my feet haha.

    Also both of our cats love chewing our toes but they are so effing adorable we bare it all 🙂


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